Client Expunges Grief, Therapist Traumatized. What Do You Think?

[Seasounds]

What do you think?

A bit of background first:
I worked with a Gestalt therapist for 10 years, emoting-laughing, sobbing , yelling, talking, was allowed and encouraged. From this experience, I was not aware of my current therapist's training which taught thAt if a client raised their voice at their therapist, it was at least disrespectful, at worst abusive.

A few weeks ago, I was so depressed that I missed my phone appt. The message alert on my phone woke me up. So, half-awake I called my therapist.

At the end of my session, (still that 'rummy not-fully-awake-state') in desperation, I resorted to what my Gestalt therapist taught me, to try to expunge my feelings; so I raised my voice, and said (somewhat with the lack of emotional regulation of a drunk), "I want you to know I am really depressed.!" It is as close as I get, to a cry for help.

The next session, my current therapist informed me, that do to raising my voice, he can not work with me emotionally any longer. He is willing to work on only strategies handling problems.

Instead of being treated like someone who made a plea for help, I am being punished. And truth be told, my therapist, in past conversations, has mentioned he had some trauma from a grandparent yelling at him. It is as if, he is now the trauma victim, and doesn't have the ability to be therapeutic for me.

In fact, now he treats me as if I am not wanted and not safe to be close to; just as I remembefrom being treated my parents, it is awedul to be treated like that; (fear based) and of course I understand his perspective, I can't handle people raising their voice to me. But in this case I'm the client. I feel very sad, as I meant no harm, and there was no blame involved.

From what I understand of theapists getting supervision, it is his role to at least treat me with compassion while he sorts out his trigger with his therapist. And it is true, if he got triggered to much, he can most easily bow out by referring me.
This ends up being a a good example of a'therapeutic re-enactment, of both of our childhood traumas. So sad, he doesn't work out his end, so he can help me.

I do resent that he can't see my cry for help, and only sees his victimized state.
And he is rigid; his tone of voice strongly implies:, you hurt me, I am NOT coming close to you. It would be one thing if I raised my voice on regular occasions, but that is not the case. Sad but true, two traumatized people caught in their trauma. Therapy ceases to be therapeutic.Since I am unemployed it is hard to afford another therapist. If the therapist puts their need for protection first. It hurts, when I am in need of support more than ever.

Life sucks sometimes.

 

[mary1979]

Oh that sucks.

What you yelled isn't exactly abusive, and it was over the phone so invokes no sense of intimidation....

But I guess it also does :(
They set their own boundaries I suppose.
Might have been handy to have mentioned this little fact to you however?

I'm not a therapist, so this is slightly different.
But I have a no yelling boundary too.
My kids Dad and I both yelled and yelled and really were quite viscous.
Eventually I learned to control my emotions but his yelling would ALWAYS end in something being broken, sometimes everything, and me in a corner terrified.
My Mother yelled and yelled and would attack right out of nowhere when I never saw it coming.

So I don't do raised voices very well now.
For any reason.
If it cant be handled calmly, I walk away. (or cry hysterically and hide in a corner, whatevs. Walk away sounds tougher)

So I can empathise with your therapist.
Even in his professional capacity he still has feelings.

But what kind of idiot doesn't state those boundaries clearly from the start?
Lousy therapist really.
You'll be better without him.

 

[joeylittle]

I worked with a Gestalt therapist for 10 years, emoting-laughing, sobbing , yelling, talking, was allowed and encouraged.

I'd tell your current therapist exactly this. They should know what Gestalt entails. You were doing it as a potential positive release.

And truth be told, my therapist, in past conversations, has mentioned he had some trauma from a grandparent yelling at him. It is as if, he is now the trauma victim, and doesn't have the ability to be therapeutic for me.

I wouldn't leap too hard to this conclusion. Yes, you're right - if he's got unresolved issues and they are coming into play with you, that's his problem. But I think you'd be better to assume that he was putting down a boundary. You were on the phone when you yelled, correct? Without the benefit of face-to-face, things are too open to misinterpretation. Assuming he's having a trauma response gets into doing a lot of mind-reading, IMO.

But I'm very sorry the whole thing is happening - it sounds tough, and that you're in a rough place right now as well. I hope things turn out OK.

 

[Seasounds]

:tup: @joeylittle, your level headedness has helped me shift a bit more in a neutral gear; a better place. I was hoping to let this issue settle by writing this post. And what're my therapists' trauma history is, he is setting a boundary-not very nicely, though.

That 'expungement' did cause movement for me; since that time, that deep depression from loosing my job, has lessened. I think it was the one moment I dared to be inappropriate (only because I was not fully awake).Now I've moved on to the 'what am I suppose to do now' phase. And my PTSD is greatly decreased, from not being triggered in a high stress job.:)

 

[Suzetig]

I think it was the one moment I dared to be inappropriate

I don't see anything inappropriate in what you did, the therapeutic relationship is the place where you can express whatever you need to - your therapist should be able to take a bit of yelling. They may have been surprised at your manner but id expect your therapist to be see it for what it was and able to cope with that.

Some of what you've written is a lot of assumption, but you know that, we do make assumptions in the absence of actual information. Could you go back and talk to your therapist about how you're feeling? Explain how it was for you to be told your manner of expression wasn't ok and explore why your therapist was unhappy with it? In all of that though try to hold on to it being ok for you to express yourself. You can then decide with a bit more knowledge whether you're able to work with his restrictions on your expression.

Therapists can be impacted by their clients, and yes they can potentially experience trauma symptoms but it is entirely their responsibility to look after themselves and monitor their ability to practice - using supervision or peer support to help with this. Your therapist may be struggling more generally, you've no way of knowing this but even if he is, even if he reacted badly to you yelling that's not your fault. You aren't responsible for someone else's triggers - here or anywhere else.

 

[EveHarrington]

I do not believe this is effective boundary setting.

This is his expectation for mind reading and when you failed, you were punished.

I think you'd be better off with another therapist. This one is woefully inadequate------for anyone IMHO.

And I'm sorry, but if someone cannot handle a raised voice, he/she is in the wrong profession. Less than perfect behavior is pretty much par for the course in the therapeutic world. This guy needs to find a job where he has no contact with the public whatsoever and minimal contact with people in general. I'd sarcastically suggest librarian as it's the stereotypical quiet place but even librarians get yelled at for those darn fines. Maybe hermit in the woods would suit him better. But therapist? Whoa, no.

 

[Neverthesame]

if he's got unresolved issues and they are coming into play with you, that's his problem.

This.

Traumatized or not, if he can't separate his issues from impacting on his ability to provide his services for his client. Maybe he needs to reevaluate his priorities, and or scope of practice.

While he certainly shouldn't be made to endure clients throwing abuse at him, that's not the impression I got from your post. A client reports a depressive episode severe enough for it to affect their routines. So he shuns them, refusing to do his job, because the client didn't use their indoor voice? That's absurd.

I like how he offered to still work on problem solving. This sounds to me like. "Because I have a thin skin and am unable to seperate my issues from your's. I will project my issues onto you, because it's easier to make my client walk on eggshells around me, rather than deal with them myself. But don't worry, I will still keep you as a client, doing half of the work I was previously. This way I can do a half assed job, while still taking your money."