Orgasm=flashback :(

[Ice_Fire]

Last night was horrible. Everything was great, better than it had been for a while as far as sex goes, I was actually enjoying it and just being close. I felt genuinely relaxed and I'd had a really good birthday so I was pretty happy.

But then it all went wrong. As I climaxed I got really anxious and I saw my dad, and N and I must have tensed up because it started to really hurt. :( I just sort of froze I guess. It was awful, horrid mixed emotions and all the enjoyment went out of it completely. I just felt really small and vulnerable and horrible. It's difficult to describe.

Declan picked up on how I was reacting and stopped. He just held me and told me that I was safe, I'm with him, they can't hurt me now etc. But I didn't really hear any of it, well, I did, but it was as if he was a million miles away.

I'm still hurting now, both physically and emotionally. I don't know what to do. Right now, it feels like I'll never be able to enjoy sex, it's been stolen from me. :no:

 

[cherryblossom]

You will be able to enjoy sex again, you just have some emotional stuff to deal with. You also have a great guy who will be loving and patient while you deal with it.

You can and will overcome this. All your emotions and memories are raw right now, but with the help of your therapist and Declan, you will start to feel better from this, and return to having a healthy sex life.

Just don't be so hard on yourself right now, you're going through a difficult time. However you are seeking help for that (both on the forum(s) and in real life). It might take some time, and a lot of hard work with emotional ups and downs, but it will get better :hug:

 

[Ice_Fire]

Thanks CB,
:hug: back :)

You also have a great guy who will be loving and patient while you deal with it.

I must admit I'm always, I don't know, surprised by how understanding and caring Dec is...even though I know he cares, I just kind of expect him not to. Does that seem daft?

Just don't be so hard on yourself right now, you're going through a difficult time. However you are seeking help for that (both on the forum(s) and in real life). It might take some time, and a lot of hard work with emotional ups and downs, but it will get better :hug:

I trust that you're right about it getting better eventually, I just feel like I'm in the middle of a big long tunnel and if I look back it's just dark and if I look forward the light is tiny... too far away. I'm just so angry that Declan should be the 'first' (and only, hopefully! :D) person and I see my frigging father!!! :furious: :no: don't like it and I just want to scream at mum and dad and well, make them hurt. But I can't and I won't because they're not worth the effort.

Your confidence is reassuring though :)

 

[cherryblossom]

I think the main point and the thing to remember is that you are getting help. You are facing your demons, and while that is so tough - you will come out of that, and you will be better able to deal with the future.

While you are dealing with it - it's hard, your emotions will be all over the place, you will find it hard to be intimate, and struggle with emotions surrounding your parents.Sometimes you have to get worse before you get better.

Have no doubt - you have tough times ahead of you. However if you deal with them now, you have the best chance of a very successful future.

I don't think I'm the only person here who wishes that they'd dealt with their issues long ago, before our issues got so ingrained in our personalities. Deal with this now, as you are doing, and I have little doubt that you have a very bright (and sexually active ;)) future ahead of you. :hug:

 

[Nyx]

Have you tried somatic therapy or EMDR? I don't think the classic kind of therapy will help you with this particular problem. I will ask you something, you don't have to answer me, just take it in and answer yourself: have you climaxed during past abuse? If so, you might need to work through the guilt with your therapist.

Take care.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Have you tried somatic therapy or EMDR? I don't think the classic kind of therapy will help you with this particular problem.

I haven't had any specific therapy yet. Just a younger mind counselor. It's so hard to get anywhere with the NHS.

If so, you might need to work through the guilt with your therapist

Yeah, need to work on this :(

<Edited - fixed quote (CB).>

 

[rainbow1]

This is one of the things I am struggling to forgive myself for. Having climaxed at various times throughout the abuse I thought initially that it meant that I wanted it to happen, that I encouraged him/them to keep on abusing me, and more recently that my body let me down by reacting like that.

I'm realising that my none of that was true, that my body reacted naturally. It's tough though. I've never managed to have an orgasm with a partner since.

 

[Nyx]

Guilt is one of the biggest enemies of a survivor. I should know, I still haven't forgiven myself. I just hope that always reminding myself that it wasn't my fault will eventually make it true in my mind...

 

[Ice_Fire]

I just hope that always reminding myself that it wasn't my fault will eventually make it true in my mind...

I hope so too, for all of us.