Pandora's Box Opening

[risingsun]

"there's always hope."

thank you willykat, my faith is what keeps me going but I really need the universe to step in now. . . i'm feeling sick.

 

[risingsun]

It IS very frightening. Please share your feelings about this with your therapist...you may need to move much more slowly.

I want to move fast to get it out and over with but i went too fast i think, maybe i need to move more slowly.

 

[WillyKat]

Umm…yeah, about that "fast" part. Be careful here. It only goes as fast as its going to go. I've done this myself and I've seen many posts on this forum in the same vein. We would all love to treat this as a nail to hammer, a ball to kick, a finite amount of shit to shovel, but this may be a much slower process than you would like. I'm really sorry to say it, but you'll need a great deal of patience here. That's one of many painful lessons here is that this isn't a project at work or school where there's a known deadline when you shove it out the door. It just doesn't work like that.

Small steps and short-term attainable goals. Don't start thinking you can just go kick its ass one day and move on.

Just want to revisit one of you're earlier posts. Yes, you're supposed to stay mindful and grounded, but that applies to everyday life when you're not in the therapist's office and not privately doing healing work. Staying mindful and grounded is there to handle the everyday stresses of work/school/kids and so on. It's in a therapeutic setting, with guidance, quietness, safety, and comfort that you go back, bring up the memories, and work on integrating them. I hope that clarifies things.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @risingsun , I haven't posted much because of my own lack of energy & too much processing going on or things spinning around in my head, but I will try very hard in the hopes this will make sense. You are always so kind & encouraging & supportive to others.

I fell apart before too, twice in my life with the ptsd. But this time (unlike those for me) we know 'why', & we can know it is the pandora's box & the past. And we can ask for help, or as opposed to unawareness or denial recognize the reason why.

I think 'processing' means not just remembering but 'getting to the heart of the matter'. Not just acceptance or grieving (although that's part of it) but finding out where we're not to blame, looking at things in new ways, getting more 'info' that can enable us to change our perspective.

JMHO, but like a plane in a stall, I think we have to push the nose downwards so that the wind will begin to buffet it & we can try to get our engine going & level out. If we try to pull up too quickly (like panic) we will go in to a (tail)spin. Slow, steady, don't panic, reach out. So much is different than before. You have so much more knowledge & resources under your belt. Be very very kind to yourself.

Big big hugs & prayers for you. :hug:

 

[WillyKat]

@Junebug, love your plane in a stall metaphor.

@risingsun, I'd recommend reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. It's got a kind of academic tone, but it will help clarify things.

 

[risingsun]

Not just acceptance or grieving (although that's part of it) but finding out where we're not to blame, looking at things in new ways, getting more 'info' that can enable us to change our perspective.

Thank you Junebug for your kind words and prayers. And WillyKat thank you for the recommended reading. Am I allowed to contact this therapist again or should I not? I have an apt way at the end of next week which seems so far away.

 

[ghotiff]

I am heavily biased from my first T pushing too fast and ending up a mess. My current T goes very slow and continually helps me to control the pace.

I think you maybe went a bit fast at least for the reason that it scared you. As such I would go slower, or pause, and build up your confidence that you can handle this.

I think you should reach out again to your T. If they reject your outside of therapy contact, at least you know where you stand. My T reminds me that I can contact her between sessions and though I dont, the fact that I can is very comforting.

Hope that helps.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @risingsun , as ghotiff & the others said it is just too fast. I know though my 'too fast' came without anyone pushing, maybe just too much & over-exposure myself? I don't know if I could have done anything to slow it, other than reaching out for help. I think it is a good idea if you want to contact your T, or anything that helps to feel better. As @ghotiff said you will see how they are.

I was thinking though, how can you (I, all of us) 'remember' that this will pass or how it felt to feel better? I think concrete things help (me); for example, a particular plane reminds me of my dad (& also he used to say, "Nothing bad lasts forever Mouse (nickname) "); a particular song always used to come on when I felt down & drowning & overwhelmed, & obviously I'm still here, I can remember that & it makes me feel better, those times were overcome. A rock I take with me. Whatever small reminder brings something like that to mind helps me to ground overall (versus just in the moment trying to be present). Something that in a tactile sense brings a sense or reminder of stability & hope, it's actually outside of the moment because the moment is too painful. Hope that makes sense.

 

[J_trustno1]

@risingsun: I'm sorry that you feel this way right now but avoiding the past fears will only make your condition worse. I am not saying what you are going through is not justifiable but you need to deal with these things in order to rise above it all.

Tell you a little story about myself: when I was first send to a psychologist (PhD), I was depressed and suicidal and that goes back only a year and 4 months. I was shaking, sweating, crying , sad and angry at the same time. My feelings and emotions were all mixed and I felt I couldn't breathe while telling her the entire story about my past. I hated myself for my past and there I was telling her about my past.

BUT here is what happened each time I shared my story with that psychologist, my doctor, therapist and now counselor. Each time I shared, I felt I was letting little bit of burden off my shoulders (even in micrograms) of that hurt and deprived child. (Note: this didn't happen overnight. I have struggled for a year to get this far and I still have many unresolved issues ). So over the time , whenever I told my story to them, I started feeling sense of control and relief. I felt HEARD for the first time in life in therapy and someone actually understood what I was feeling wasn't all bullshit and didn't ignore me like I was at home. I have slowly started to see who I really was and I am. I didn't have any self Identity till the end of 2013 but now I know who I am, what are my needs , what I don't want in life and most importantly I am starting to feel unleashed which I never felt for more than 26 years of my life. With therapy And talking more about past has made me a lot stronger than I was before and I now actually have built strong boundaries which never existed prior to therapy.

Now let's deal with your troubles. You are very intimidated by your past and I'm many of us were feeling this way when we started therapy. The thing with any kind of fear or trauma is that , the more you run away from it the more it'll run after you and scare you. Test this analogy for any fears you have in life and they don't have to be related to your trauma. However, when you start facing them, feel what you are feeling your fears will start diluting slowly over the time. I used to cry whenever I thought about my past (yes, still at times but NOT everyday ) and my blood used to boil with hate and anger for my prime abusers but now, I just feel that they are sick people who are brought to this world to make others miserable. Don't quit therapy, trust me over time things will start to fall in place. I really hope that you don't give up now. You are an intelligent, kind, sweet and honest lady and you also deserve peace and happiness. If you want to chat please let me know. My best wishes are with you :hug:s

 

[risingsun]

I don't know. only been less than 5 times so I'm trying not to jump to conclusions . . . . but once we're talking about my financial situation and the urgency of that, then my current symptoms of severity, now the past. . . . . I'm feeling so scattered.

If they reject your outside of therapy contact, at least you know where you stand.

Well i inquired about being fit it sooner than later and was agreed to be seen, supposed to go today but im really frightened. Having a severe panic attack over this right now. If my feelings partly stem from whether it is me having a gut feeling about her then this could make things worse. But i'm not sure if its that or just being really triggered.

 

[risingsun]

Update: The therapist saw me on an emergency appointment, dimmed the lights and calmed me. She even is going to see me sooner than later this week since I need immediate assistance as eating/drinking have become quite difficult and I'm really struggling. We are also going to go much slower.

Thank you all for all of your helpful and caring responses. I really appreciated it :hug:.