Partner Freaked Out By Symptoms

[WesternSky]

Last night my partner told me she doesn't really understand PTSD or how I could have it. She too thinks it's for people from war/disasters/accidents/abuse. I feel even worse. She was trying to be loving and supportive, but admits she doesn't know how and can't understand why I'm having trouble still. We went to a group party last night. I don't like social gatherings, but I went with her anyways. There were too many people in too small a room. I was struggling with staying in the present anyways and the wall color and a picture on the wall were really bothering me. I made the mistake of having a drink - I have no tolerance, and when I'm under the influence I lose my word filter. Usually it just makes me super polite and friendly, but this time I was talking to my partner and was telling her that the walls were too white and the picture didn't have any glass because that's the kind of picture that belongs in a hospital so the patients can't hurt themselves and I'd feel so much better if it was in a glass frame.

She told me later when the buzz wore off that I had been scaring her talking like that, and that for someone who was afraid people would think I was crazy and lock me up again, I wasn't talking normally. She said that it wasn't me. That hurt more than I can explain, because it IS me. These are the types of thoughts I have. The only difference is that usually I'm able to lock them inside my own head. I'm not normal. I will never be normal again. I can try to be but there will still be these moments I won't be able to hide where she'll see that I am still crazy. And I feel even worse that I have a hard time trusting her with my mental state. She loves me and wants the best for me, but unfortunately her well-meaning intentions and concerns about my health a couple years ago led to the situation that caused all the PTSD. There will always be a shred of doubt that she will withdraw from me again or send me away. Especially if she thinks I'm crazy and just can't deal with it.

 

[Tanishq]

Hi westernsky, Please you will have to understand most people don't understand about PTSD and how much psychological this is. You'll have to bear with them. Only talk with Therapists, psychological doctor or here on this forums or you can talk to people who are good at understanding ptsd. I hope you receive the support you need.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am confused, too...

If you weren't abused in the psych ward, re: your own admittance in that you were not abused but you were traumatized in the psych ward, then it's difficult to understand your trauma. I have PTSD and don't understand, so I can see why your girlfriend doesn't understand, either.

 

[WesternSky]

If you weren't abused in the psych ward, re: your own admittance in that you were not abused but you were traumatized in the psych ward, then it's difficult to understand your trauma. I have PTSD and don't understand, so I can see why your girlfriend doesn't understand, either.

I'm sorry. I don't understand fully myself. I beat myself up about it often because it shouldn't be there. It has no right to be there. Maybe I just don't understand how psych hospitals are supposed to work. I don't understand when people call them a "safe" place or say they have found any benefit from being there.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wait....

You were hospitalized because of cutting, right? A large number of those who cut have a reason to cut. I was in a SI program and ALL of us had a past trauma of one sort or another. Do you have anything else in your past that was traumatic?

I'm not trying to be nosy... Just curious as I was traumatized at the age of 4 but it was always "this means nothing". I had what would amount to an altercation (verbal, not physical), and I crumbled like a house of cards. Nobody would understand that is what caused me to crumble. But it's akin to having your foundation weakened by some past event and then crumbling at the hands of something that you should be able to handle. Does this make sense?

 

[WesternSky]

I was hospitalized because I was deeply suicidal, although I never attempted. I never cut, but when I was younger I used to hit myself in the head with notebooks when I was frustrated. I don't really know why. It usually wasn't hard enough to hurt unless I used a calculator or a textbook by mistake.

I don't think my past before then was especially traumatic. I had some rough times in school where I had no friends, but nothing compared to the bullying we hear about today on the news. A few depressive episodes in junior and high school that I didn't recognize as being depressive. Then boom, sophomore year of college I developed full-blown depression.

Nothing I can pinpoint. I'm just a failure.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You're not a failure!

Just because you're trauma wasn't typical (ha, whatever "typical" trauma is), doesn't mean that you aren't suffering or don't deserve to heal. (Sorry for getting your story wrong.)

It sucks when people don't understand. Even those of us with abuse or war trauma are often misunderstood. (Not trying to minimize your experience.)

My advice? Stay away from the alcohol. I know it can be hard, ESP when everyone else is drinking. (I altered my friend group because I didn't want to be around people who defined "good time" by their ability to drink at said happening.)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Has anyone talked to you about major depressive disorder? Why PTSD? Did they explain it too you?

That might help you focus and heal to learn more, that's why I ask.

 

[WesternSky]

That's ok, I realize that posting in pieces leads to gaps and misunderstanding.

PTSD was somewhat explained to me by my psychiatrist. We were looking into CBT and EMDR but needed to focus on the depression first, and then I graduated and left the area. I've been learning about PTSD on my own lately.

 

[Dorri]

I beat myself up about it often because it shouldn't be there. It has no right to be there. Maybe I just don't understand how psych hospitals are supposed to work. I don't understand when people call them a "safe" place or say they have found any benefit from being there

I'm sorry, I'm new and I might have got the wrong end of the stick but I think being locked in a psych hospital (esp if it was against your will) can be pretty traumatic in itself. It’s not an experience that’s happened to me personally but I’ve visited a friend during several of her hospitalisations and from what she said it sounded quite scary and I know visiting her did nothing to dispel that impression.

I think it is hard sometimes to understand our PTSD and I know I was never gentle or kind enough with myself – I think that’s probably normal for us.

For me I was hospitalised in a locked ward (neurosurgery) the lack of control, others ruling your life, trying to find your way out of the fog that fills your mind and leaves you totally confused – all this contributed to my PTSD. I think your experience probably had a fair number of similarities and knowing what I do about how psych patients can be treated I suspect that there were a lot of other very difficult things too.

There is, sometimes, a find line between treatment and abuse and sometimes even genuine medical treatment, however helpful, can be very psychologically hard to deal with. Add to that that you were locked somewhere that you seem to me to describe as unsafe – that’s a fairly reasonable reason for developing PTSD as far as I can see.