I have experienced many forms of trauma in my 26 years, every form of abuse as a child to rape to even abandonment. But nothing has effected me as much as the story I am about to tell you.
Last week I was rushed to the emergency room due to my blood sugar being high. I felt dizzy and faint to I asked my boyfriend to take me.
On the way I had become unconscious, they immediately took me ripping my clothes off with force. I could hear them talking but I was in an out of it state of mind. I remember a bag over my mouth, I heard a Dr. say that he was going to intubate me.
This day they were training, and she asked if she could administer the tube. The Dr. found no wrong in this and let her, immediately woken I could feel stab me. I went into panic and tried to move, I couldn't I was completely paralyzed due them failing to administer the anesthesia right.
I lay there, almost breathless, my mind is now running for it is all I have. The tube is not in my air way and the only means of air I have is the tiny tube from my nose. I count my breaths. Every 5-10 seconds I was aloud a very shallow breath of air.
The nurses failed to see my distress due to their lack of supervision, I hear them gossip of other patients. They also disclose of the fact they were unsure why the Dr. had me on anesthesia.
Now 4 hours into my nightmare, every breath has become my only way of survival. I listen to the nurses petty gossip to know I am still alive. My feince' was finally aloud back to see me, I hear him. I shed a tear for I know I am going to die to night, the mean nurse is now pleasant with her words choosing them wisely telling him I am under deep sedation and am unaware of everything but he can still talk to me.
I can hear his silent sobs over my lifeless body. He cries, and confesses he love and his fears of loosing me. I am dying even more inside. By now the back of my throat is filled with blood and mucus, and I am starting to choke, it burn the wound near my useless tube. I am choking this is it I am going to die I can not move, scream nothing. Then my hero of a lover leaves the room rushing for help, I can hear him screaming for someone to help me. They come back in and tell him to leave. At this time my mouth and body are drenched in saliva, the nurse in training questions this. The other nurse just wipes the drool and forgets to suction out my mouth. While they were there I could feel that I could barely motion my hand to my chest motioning my distress, the woman yells at me to stop, and that she was going to give me more anesthsiesa. I vigorously shake my head no, and she then yell at me to stop moving and that I will be okay once the medicine kicks in.
I am screaming in my head, HELP HELP HELP, the best way I can describe it is being buried alive and being paralyzed. I can't move anything now. The nurse tell the other in training that they are not legally suppose to restrain me but she is going to, and if anyone walks in I was being combative.
They then forcefully tie my hands and feet to the bed leaving future bruises on my wrists and ankles.
I can feel the pain, I want to scream but I am to busy fighting to stay alive. I can feel every ounce of my pain, and I started to prepare myself for death, as I was feeling exhausted for fighting for my life.
I then begin to choke again, this time with no help for minutes, I pray out to God, I pray for my family and whatever else I could get in, I knew this was it. The women come in and readjust my tube, still without suction I am left in purgatory. I hear the talk shit about me and my past medical histories. About other patients. After the last choking incident the nurse of the year decides to restrain my head I am now in a full mask and it is tied around my head cutting off even more oxygen supply. I am pissed at this point.
4 hours go by as I try to move my hand, not moving. It is the weirdest feeling, I was straining my mind then a reaction a little tick from my left arm, ahhhhhh yessssss, tears roll down my face in joy I survived! I now am trying to tug but am still restrained and have very little movement, I now have to wait another hour before I could bat my chest. Once full movement the nurse once again notices I am in tacacardia, she comes over an scolds me to be still or I could hurt myself. She tell the trainee that she is going to find the doctor to remove the tube. My heart sank, I could not wait. I am exhausted and oxygen deprived but it is almost over. All by my arm is paralyzed still as the nurse in training takes to side, calming me down she sees my distress, this makes me cry more silent tears that are starting to choke me more. An hour later she came back with news of the removal, they take their time getting on gloves and making small talk she get out the suction. and starts suctioning my overfilled mouth. Then she realizes that my mouth is filled with blood and mucus, she takes out the tube and I gasp for air, filling my poor neglected lungs with a harsh breath. They could not suction as fast as the blood and mucus was coming out of me, I tried to talk but could not. Once I could get out I have been alive and dying for 8 plus hours! Get me my boyfriend now!!! She claims that I could not have him in the CCU I yelled again and she went.
By the time my boyfriend got there I was moving but without memory or sight. I woke up blind in both eyes and no memory of the past month or so.
They kept me in the hospital running test, I am still blind at this point in both eyes. The next morning I wake up with sight in my right eye only partial, I am still waiting on the left to come back.
They released me from the hospital with a bull shit discharge of alcoholism, I don't even drink that much and the night before had a 2 glasses of wine.
For the past 6 days as my memory came back, I am in straight panic all the time, I feel like this disgusting weight of terror over me. I can't relax, I can't cope, I fear everything and everyone.
My memories of what happened were reaffirmed by me tell my boyfriend the story, everything I said when he was in there was 100 accurate, I was telling him things and he was like oh yeah I remember her doing that.
I just want to die, I feel like I am constantly having a heart attack this led me back to another er twice, only to be diagnosed with severe panic attacks. They gave me a shot of adivan and sent me on my way, I was furious that they would send me back with emotional suicide. I would have rather them chop of all my limbs while awake then to have to deal with this feeling inside of me. I feel like I have lived death for hours, helpless alone. I fought, but did I win? And the thought of if the anesthesia did work I would have been dead instantly.
After going to the ER for panic attacks, I can not cope with this. I tell my fiancé that I want to be committed, I feel like I am dying on the inside, and the fact that no one can empathize with this is so frustrating. I hate the fact that everyone is like it will be okay, you're alive, blah blah. I feel like I would have been better off dead, the emotional recoil is worse than anything I have ever experienced.
Finally I have to go back to the hospital that was neglectful due to the fact they are the only ones with an inpatient psych department. I have to go through the ER first to be evaluated, this scares the crap out of me. They give me 2 adivans to calm me down before the woman comes and talks with me.
I give my story over and over to the ER doc, the nurses my soul feels like it is being crushed as I relive it, and they ask stupid questions that have no relevance, the ER doc said so you're like having depression and you came to the ER and I said no dammit I can't cope with life anymore, I would not be here if it was not an emergency. So the lady assess me and says I need medication and therapy and they will no commit me. I am pissed, and once again feel neglected by the health system. So here I am today this has been my life for 6 days. I have been dying on the inside and I want to die but they won't commit me, I think due to the fact that it happened at their hospital? Anyone have any advice on how to cope? I want to be sedated until I can forget, then I can start moving forward. I hurt so bad, it is worse than an physical pain. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Last week I was rushed to the emergency room due to my blood sugar being high. I felt dizzy and faint to I asked my boyfriend to take me.
On the way I had become unconscious, they immediately took me ripping my clothes off with force. I could hear them talking but I was in an out of it state of mind. I remember a bag over my mouth, I heard a Dr. say that he was going to intubate me.
This day they were training, and she asked if she could administer the tube. The Dr. found no wrong in this and let her, immediately woken I could feel stab me. I went into panic and tried to move, I couldn't I was completely paralyzed due them failing to administer the anesthesia right.
I lay there, almost breathless, my mind is now running for it is all I have. The tube is not in my air way and the only means of air I have is the tiny tube from my nose. I count my breaths. Every 5-10 seconds I was aloud a very shallow breath of air.
The nurses failed to see my distress due to their lack of supervision, I hear them gossip of other patients. They also disclose of the fact they were unsure why the Dr. had me on anesthesia.
Now 4 hours into my nightmare, every breath has become my only way of survival. I listen to the nurses petty gossip to know I am still alive. My feince' was finally aloud back to see me, I hear him. I shed a tear for I know I am going to die to night, the mean nurse is now pleasant with her words choosing them wisely telling him I am under deep sedation and am unaware of everything but he can still talk to me.
I can hear his silent sobs over my lifeless body. He cries, and confesses he love and his fears of loosing me. I am dying even more inside. By now the back of my throat is filled with blood and mucus, and I am starting to choke, it burn the wound near my useless tube. I am choking this is it I am going to die I can not move, scream nothing. Then my hero of a lover leaves the room rushing for help, I can hear him screaming for someone to help me. They come back in and tell him to leave. At this time my mouth and body are drenched in saliva, the nurse in training questions this. The other nurse just wipes the drool and forgets to suction out my mouth. While they were there I could feel that I could barely motion my hand to my chest motioning my distress, the woman yells at me to stop, and that she was going to give me more anesthsiesa. I vigorously shake my head no, and she then yell at me to stop moving and that I will be okay once the medicine kicks in.
I am screaming in my head, HELP HELP HELP, the best way I can describe it is being buried alive and being paralyzed. I can't move anything now. The nurse tell the other in training that they are not legally suppose to restrain me but she is going to, and if anyone walks in I was being combative.
They then forcefully tie my hands and feet to the bed leaving future bruises on my wrists and ankles.
I can feel the pain, I want to scream but I am to busy fighting to stay alive. I can feel every ounce of my pain, and I started to prepare myself for death, as I was feeling exhausted for fighting for my life.
I then begin to choke again, this time with no help for minutes, I pray out to God, I pray for my family and whatever else I could get in, I knew this was it. The women come in and readjust my tube, still without suction I am left in purgatory. I hear the talk shit about me and my past medical histories. About other patients. After the last choking incident the nurse of the year decides to restrain my head I am now in a full mask and it is tied around my head cutting off even more oxygen supply. I am pissed at this point.
4 hours go by as I try to move my hand, not moving. It is the weirdest feeling, I was straining my mind then a reaction a little tick from my left arm, ahhhhhh yessssss, tears roll down my face in joy I survived! I now am trying to tug but am still restrained and have very little movement, I now have to wait another hour before I could bat my chest. Once full movement the nurse once again notices I am in tacacardia, she comes over an scolds me to be still or I could hurt myself. She tell the trainee that she is going to find the doctor to remove the tube. My heart sank, I could not wait. I am exhausted and oxygen deprived but it is almost over. All by my arm is paralyzed still as the nurse in training takes to side, calming me down she sees my distress, this makes me cry more silent tears that are starting to choke me more. An hour later she came back with news of the removal, they take their time getting on gloves and making small talk she get out the suction. and starts suctioning my overfilled mouth. Then she realizes that my mouth is filled with blood and mucus, she takes out the tube and I gasp for air, filling my poor neglected lungs with a harsh breath. They could not suction as fast as the blood and mucus was coming out of me, I tried to talk but could not. Once I could get out I have been alive and dying for 8 plus hours! Get me my boyfriend now!!! She claims that I could not have him in the CCU I yelled again and she went.
By the time my boyfriend got there I was moving but without memory or sight. I woke up blind in both eyes and no memory of the past month or so.
They kept me in the hospital running test, I am still blind at this point in both eyes. The next morning I wake up with sight in my right eye only partial, I am still waiting on the left to come back.
They released me from the hospital with a bull shit discharge of alcoholism, I don't even drink that much and the night before had a 2 glasses of wine.
For the past 6 days as my memory came back, I am in straight panic all the time, I feel like this disgusting weight of terror over me. I can't relax, I can't cope, I fear everything and everyone.
My memories of what happened were reaffirmed by me tell my boyfriend the story, everything I said when he was in there was 100 accurate, I was telling him things and he was like oh yeah I remember her doing that.
I just want to die, I feel like I am constantly having a heart attack this led me back to another er twice, only to be diagnosed with severe panic attacks. They gave me a shot of adivan and sent me on my way, I was furious that they would send me back with emotional suicide. I would have rather them chop of all my limbs while awake then to have to deal with this feeling inside of me. I feel like I have lived death for hours, helpless alone. I fought, but did I win? And the thought of if the anesthesia did work I would have been dead instantly.
After going to the ER for panic attacks, I can not cope with this. I tell my fiancé that I want to be committed, I feel like I am dying on the inside, and the fact that no one can empathize with this is so frustrating. I hate the fact that everyone is like it will be okay, you're alive, blah blah. I feel like I would have been better off dead, the emotional recoil is worse than anything I have ever experienced.
Finally I have to go back to the hospital that was neglectful due to the fact they are the only ones with an inpatient psych department. I have to go through the ER first to be evaluated, this scares the crap out of me. They give me 2 adivans to calm me down before the woman comes and talks with me.
I give my story over and over to the ER doc, the nurses my soul feels like it is being crushed as I relive it, and they ask stupid questions that have no relevance, the ER doc said so you're like having depression and you came to the ER and I said no dammit I can't cope with life anymore, I would not be here if it was not an emergency. So the lady assess me and says I need medication and therapy and they will no commit me. I am pissed, and once again feel neglected by the health system. So here I am today this has been my life for 6 days. I have been dying on the inside and I want to die but they won't commit me, I think due to the fact that it happened at their hospital? Anyone have any advice on how to cope? I want to be sedated until I can forget, then I can start moving forward. I hurt so bad, it is worse than an physical pain. PLEASE HELP!!!!
