Post-flooding, Split-second Flashes Of Memory.

[Tabula-Rasa]

Pretty much, every weekday, I'm exposed to heavy helicopters that fly overhead from a bend in the Charles River in Allston/Boston. They seem to come from Andrews AFB.

As you may guess, Heavy helicopters are my trigger. I'm brought back to the Summer of 1989 Beirut when I was a 19 year old kid playing at photographer.

Anyway, On a bad day of helicopters, flooding, etc.. and after I go through breathing and grounding and trying to bring myself back, I can get the panic attacks and long-flooding down to manageable levels, but, for hours, afterward, I experience split-second flashes of memory that takes over like a flooding, but.. it only lasts for a second. At first, it happens about 3-4 times per hour, then falls down quickly to 1 every 1 or 2 hours.

It's disorienting, it hurts like hell, I cannot escape the flashes and I know they are coming. The memories come out of context, so I don't know what the flashes are, at first. They TAKE OVER reality, then release me BACK into reality.

Today, the helicopters came and and I did breathing and grounding and got myself mostly back enough so that when my GF came home, I was mostly able to be there with her instead of dumping PTSD on her... until I got to the point of telling her that I had to be by myself.

I tried to work, distract myself with television while I worked; tried longer sessions of breathing and grounding and even said, "f*ck it" and bought 160 ounces of Natty (Natural Lite) which I can't drink fast enough to get drunk, no matter WHAT I do... :-\

Finally, I started to research West Beirut 1989 Commodore Hotel in the Image part of Google. I tried to FIND the places where the flashes showed me. I started this, today, and FOUND a picture of the bastard that hired me in Tel Aviv. I FOUND the hotel. I FOUND the explosion aftermath that killed Elzbeta.

I bought ANOTHER 160 ounces of high octane beer and I'm STILL not drunk enough to get into oblivion so that I can crawl into bed with my GF.

I cannot STOP the flashes of memory. I can't stop the adrenaline rush that feels like I MAY die of an heart attack. I don't KNOW what the memories are.

My girlfriend is asleep and I'm afraid to go to bed until the flashes stop and... I gotta say that I OFTEN feel like I'm crazy.

Happy Hallowed eve'. :D

If only all the college-aged wraiths walking down the street knew what a days-old dead person looked like. ;)

 

[Ted Moen]

I share your love of helicopters :)

I participated in 92 air assaults in Vietnam. They had intel the enemy was everywhere, but they couldn't find them (just before tet68), so they would insert us in a suspected location and if we didn't draw fire within 3hours or so they would pick us up and insert us in the next suspected location on their list. We were the bait. Anyway, 43 years later I still am triggered by the sound of helicopters.

They trigger hypervigilance. In an instant my focus shifts from whatever I was doing to searching for the threat. I am immediately ready to react to the slightest threat with whatever it takes to eliminate any (imagened) threat. The problem is there is no threat, just normal people being careless, doing stuff that could get them killed, not paying attention. It all gets very intense.

I have learned to focus on the intensity. It is an extension of grounding yourself. Anytime I become aware I am having intense thoughts and or feelings, I ask myself if the level of intensity is appropriate in my current situation. It never is (so far). I am not in imminent danger in my current situation. I refocus on identifying the trigger in my current situation; something that sounds or smells like a helicopter, someone doing something stupid. Once I identify the trigger I assure myself it is no actual danger to me in my current situation. Nothing is going to harm me.

Once I assure myself I am safe in my current situation, I turn to dealing with the hypervigilance. It doesn't go away just because you ground yourself. It takes a few hours for it to wind down once it is triggered. I remind myself I am going to be super sensitive for a while. Things are going to annoy me. I am sensitive to stuff normal people are not sensitive to. Normal people are going to do things normal people do and it is going to annoy me until the hypervigilance passes. It is going to annoy me a lot, but that is because of the old stuff in my mind, not because of any real danger in my current situation. My challenge is to behave as I would if I weren't experiencing the hypervigilance in my current situation. By doing that I do myself no damage in my current situation and when the mood passes (the mood will pass) I can get back to enjoying participating in my current situation.

Expect the helicopters to fly over. Expect them to trigger the old stuff. Plan how you are going to process the old stuff while behaving appropriately in your current situation.

Ted

 

[Tinyflame]

I also tell myself it's just a memory and my mind is playing tricks- like one thinks of an optical illusion- I might know what it 'looks' like (or 'feels' like), but I tell myself that, it's just not 'here'/ not 'now'.
I try to definitely take the 'emotion' out of it.

Hey- I guess aguing with myself I can't lose :rolleyes: :)