It has been an emotional rollercoaster for both myself and Little_Laurie these past 24 hours. I have discovered many things relating to my past and in particular surrounding my dancing.
When I was young and right through into my late teen's I had only one passion, Ballet. I trained for 2 hours every evening straight after school and had 4 hours of private tuition every saturday morning. For most children having a hobby would be a lot less intensive than this but for me it was not a hobby it was everything I ever wanted out of life. I danced every day and lived to dance.
Yesterday I remembered incidents in my past that distressed me. They tore into me like a sword, repeatedly stabbing at me and I experienced so many differing emotions I became totally overloaded, my stress cup did not just overflow, it smashed into me like a Tsunami, continually hitting me wave after wave.
I became completely submerged in guilt, shame and anger, that anger aimed directly at myself because the choices I made were mine, no outside influences were involved. No other person made them for me, I made them and I made the wrong one on that day in 1987.
I was deeply distressed and angry at myself and desperatley needed a huge level of support. Well I got that support last night, right here in the forum. The support I recieved was clear proof that this forum and it's members is not just an online support forum for sufferers of PTSD, we are a family, a close knit family who are here for each other, who care for each other.
I can never express the true level of gratitude I have for all members here who came to my help last night. I am now having read this thread again truly humbled at just how much you, the members of this forum did for me and little_laurie last night. Thank-you all from both of us. We finally fell asleep at 5am this morning ad elspt for almost 11 hours straight, for me that is unheard of, I survive on minimal sleep each week going days without even trying to sleep most night because I have become to aware of my own body I know that if I try I will just lay there, thinking over and over again about my past and the pain Little_Laurie suffered as a child.
I was racked with immense guilt yesterday at how he had worked so hard to make his dream come true. When he stepped out on that stage it was magical, he was alive on stage, able to be creative, able to make others happy, he was happiest dancing, it was an escape from the daily abuse he suffered. I have held onto my guilt regarding that day in 1987 now for 28 years and finally with the support from members I can lay those memories from the past to rest.
Thank-you again to everyone who supported me, I could not have got through it without you.
