Privacy Question

[Rumors]

So, long story short my husband goes behind my back and asks our bookkeeper to go into my private office and get my dads checkbook and tell him how much money is in his accounts and asks him to copy and send it to him. There is a slight scuffle going on internally in our family but I have made it clear that those are my dads books and, although I keep them for him, that it is not his business. It doesn't effect him in any way, but he just cannot stand that I won't give him my dads financial information. With that said, it's not mine to give!!! He tracks me through onstar, he looks up my credit card bills, reads my phone statements, and God knows what else. Tonight I had a bunch of stuff locked in my car and I took the keys and he went through my clothes to see if he could find the keys. I set them in a certain manner just to see if he would and he did.
IS THAT NORMAL? Do all married people do this? I have never cheated. I don't lie to him and I have never been anything except a devoted wife. I have NEVER given him reason to question my integrity. EVER! I can't throw my bookkeeper under the bus by telling him that I know he asked for that information BUT I am so angry I can't stand it. Should I be? I don't want to hide anything from him but it isn't my place to share my dads financial information with him. Damn I am upset. I am pissed bc he went through my clothes looking for my keys so he could get to some of that stuff. It just happened to be in my car where I was moving from point A to point B to do taxes. I cant believe I can't have any privacy and there certainly is diminished trust on my part now. I feel violated.....

 

[Snowflakes]

@Rumors I'n unable to look at your profile posts to know your story so I apologize in advance if my post here is inappropriate.

To answer your questions....no it's not normal. All married people don't do this unless there are control issues and/or trust issues. Yes, you have the right to be angry because you have a right to privacy and it was violated.

I don't have anything else to say. I'm sorry you hurt.

 

[Suzetig]

That's not ok, you're entitled to privacy within your relationship - I'd also have a huge issue with your bookkeeper tbh because they breached your trust by doing what your husband wanted.

 

[Fadeaway]

No. That is not normal. Why the hell does he need your dads info unless he is hoping to get something out of it in a non legit manner?

 

[Rumors]

Historically throughout our marriage I have allowed for him to violate all sorts of things because I thought that was what everyone went through. I am just now finding out that I am wrong and that it isn't normal. I am hurt because rather than saying "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have done that, " he attacks me and turns it around why it is my fault that he has to act like that. I tried to explain to him his actions were his choice and they were wrong and he became infuriated throwing out ultimatum. It was ugly on his behalf so I quit talking. I'm just devastated. I am sorry I don't feel comfortable typing the entire story in about my dad. It's just really messed up in its own right. However, I have shared with my husband everything verbally but that wasn't good enough so he went behind my back and went through all of my stuff in my drawers. I don't know. I am just sad. I feel incredibly lonely and afraid. That makes me upset too...

 

[Friday]

I tend to have *nearly* that level of openness / it's *mostly* very normal in my family of origin.

Nearly, in that

1) I revoked my husbands right to access any of my personal, financial, etc. stuff when I decided to divorce him (opened my own accounts, etc.). Whilst married -in theory- we both had total access to all of our financials, & other personal stuff (phones, computers, etc.). In practice, he's been lying to me for years. Hiding money off-shore, getting his paychecks cut at work to reflect what he told me he was being paid, and those direct depositing into our accounts, while he had the bulk of his income going into secret accounts, etc.

2) Transparency never applied to work &/or other people's personal business. That's no different, IMO, than breaking into a company and stealing the info. It's just doing it from the comfort of your own home. But I grew up around, and for awhile myself possessed, some fairly high level security clearances. We're not talking crimes against private citizens (like what your husband did with your dad's accounts), but national security & treason. So I really, really don't play around.

I don't completely blame your bookkeeper, as it's not unheard of -or even unusual- for elderly parents to grant limited powers of attorney to adult children in order to manage their finances. But I DO completely blame your husband for not only taking ruthless advantage, but also committing some fairly serious crimes. Just because the two of you have transparency rules within your marriage (even if you've decided to revoke that, or have never liked or wanted it, historically he's had agreed upon access), that doesn't grant him legal authority to even view other people's personal & confidential information, much less use it.

Should this get out, he has some criminal charges coming his way, and your book keeper is likely to lose their licence. This is no shit serious. If he couldn't walk into a bank and be granted access, he has absolutely no right to get that info by any other means, outside of asking your father.

 

[scout86]

What @Friday said. except that I'd be upset with the bookkeeper too.

My reaction to your story is that I'm mentally packing up to move out. That behavior would be THAT big of a deal to me. Sounds like you can't trust either one of them. (When I was married, I never would have done anything like that. But my ex might have.)

 

[kilted]

Not normal in marriage.

The book-keeper screwed up on a professional level. While you may want to keep your relationship with the book-keeper it's important to tell them explicitly that this mustn't happen again and that you are having problems with your partner attempting to access information they are not entitled to. If the book-keeper is unhappy with having to say no to your partner, find a new book-keeper.

This kind of stuff is part of a control process. It's not healthy and never will be. control is a form of abuse, subtle, but effective. It will change your behaviour, and over time the lack of trust will wear you down.

This behaviour would be covered by the new legislation recently proposed by the Scottish government.

 

[Deadman]

He tracks me through onstar, he looks up my credit card bills, reads my phone statements, and God knows what else.

All I can hear is alarm bells.

 

[Twilight]

So, long story short my husband goes behind my back and asks our bookkeeper to go into my private office...

This is controlling behavior. Abusive domestic relationships are built on power and control. I dont know what the rest of your relationship is like, but when i was in an abusive relationship, the perp would track me and stalk me and try to gain as much info about me as he could, all the while witholding any info HE had from me in order to maintain an unequal balance of power and control.

 

[Twilight]

Historically throughout our marriage I have allowed for him to violate all sorts of things because I tho...

Whenever an abuser is confronted with his inappropriate behavior, he will turn the situation around to find fault with YOU in order to deflect the negative attention and exposure of the dishonest thing he is doing. He will do abuse, and then critisize you for reacting against it. He will not take responsibility for his actions, but will try to blame you for your REACTIONS to his abuse. He will try to tell you that your reactions are WRONG instead of admitting that the abusive thing that he did was wrong. Believe me, I have been through this. So sorry that you are experienceing this. It is painful to start seeing what the relationship is really all about. (Power and control)

 

[Rumors]

I am exhausted. I can't even begin to take on my failing marriage at this point in time bc I am dealing with a very sick parent.
I feel like i just woke up for the first time ever and could really see this behavior as control and sick. I have been numb to it for so long. I also thought it was normal. I thought when people fought the guy always gets to tell the wife to shut up or move out. I obviously have never been married but even my parents were dysfunctional in their marriage. My dad drank a lot and they fought quite a bit so I jusy thought everyone acted like that.
What do I do? I have tried to reason and he just turns it around on me to say he wouldnt have to do those things if I would comply. If I comply, then I get to reap the benefits of breaking a promise to my dad. Although his behavior has been poor, I still don't feel like I can break that promise. I am lost...and tired... and upset.