Relationship question for people over 50

[Ecdysis]

So, as I'm nearing 50, I'm starting to see a pattern of thought about romantic relationship (but also about friendships, I guess?) that I used to see in "older people" when I was young... And now I'm starting to be an "older person" myself, sigh...

Anyway, when I was young, relationships and friendships seemed soooo important... And seeing, for example, my parents, who got divorced when I was 11 and they were... 40 and 45 respectively... Neither of them ever got into a significant relationship ever again... At the time, in my teens and my 20s, that seemed inconceivable to me... It seemed to me like they were "isolating in an unhealthy way" and that "every human being needs close relationships to others"...

Now that I'm close to hitting 50, my perspective on this has really changed... And I'm not sure it's "just" the depression phase that I'm currently going through...

The idea of getting into another romantic relationship... sigh... I just feel like I don't have the patience for it anymore... To put up with someone else's bad habits and grumpiness and inconsiderateness... I dunno... It's just sooo unappealing! And I think when I was younger, the "pull" of a relationship, the up-sides, just seemed sooo much more important than the down-sides...

But now, I feel like, I've been there, I've done that... I had a ton of luck with the partners in my life... They've all been truly decent people, except one asshole, but even he was decent in a lot of ways before he started behaving like a shithead... So on the whole, I've been super lucky... I think I've "ticked more or less all the boxes" of what I was looking for in relationships... I mean, there's probably a couple of long-lost dreams that I could dust off, but hey, who doesn't have those...? On the whole, I've had a good run with decent, respectful, caring, supportive partners who have treated me as an equal. I've also had an amour-fou (with the asshole)... so I've ticked that box too, even tho I got burned super badly, but hey, that's part of the amour-fou territory too, right?

So as I'm nearing 50, I feel kind of "meh" and kind of "over it" as far as relationships go... And I dunno whether my brain's sort of like that about friendships too? I've had some really good friendships over the years... I'm very grateful for that... But I feel like I've covered so much ground there too... ticked so many boxes... I feel like that part of my life is kind of "done"...

I don't know whether that's the depression talking, or whether I'm getting ooooooold, or "mature" or what...

I remember going to school with friends and then being on the phone to them for hoursssss after school each day. even tho we'd just seen each other at school all day...

And, I mean, in my 20s and 30s, friendships were still really important, but I guess in my 40s, that started dwindling off... Talking to friends about "everything" just seemed less important... Cos I'd already done it...?

It just seems like so much effort now... And I do think it's partly the depression... That just makes everything seem like an effort that's not worth putting in...

But I'm starting to think it's also an ageing thing...

I signed up to a dating site (again) recently... It's one that's local to the country I live in and it's a kind of "alternative" dating site... It's sort of for people who hate all the other dating sites and find them too superficial and too much about hooking up for casual sex... Anyway, it's pretty low-key and chill and genuine... And I was on it a few years ago... When I was trying to get over the shithead... And I thought a dating site might at least help with that in some way... Anyway, I ended up cancelling my subscription after a few months, cos I could tell I wasn't ready...

So this time I signed up cos someone I knew had signed up and had been offered a "sign a friend up for free for 12 months deal" so I used that and now I'm re-signed up to it... And while I can tell that I'm no longer in that "not ready yet" phase after that horrible breakup... I feel like I'm in that "getting too old for this stuff" phase... I just feel over it...

And yes, depression is making me feel "over" basically "everything"... But it also feels like an age thing (for me). I know not everyone feels like this as they get older, but at the same time, I've seen a LOT of people go down this exact route of "it's not worth the effort" when it comes to relationships as they get older.

So... Anyone over 50 here, that can relate? Anyone else feel like a relationship is just too much bother these days?

Sorry under-50s, this is an old folks question, so what you theoretically think you're gonna feel like over 50 doesn't count... ; )

 

[Lost in the Woods]

OK, I will bite. I am at what is probably the end of a 30 year relationship. I have my PTSD issues and my wife has her own issues which she refuses to look at. I would really like to make it work but it takes two committed to making it work to make it work. My wife is a classic dismissive avoidant so it hasn’t been easy.

That said the relationship was and still is the major driving force in my life. I am 69 years old. My take on it is that as I age the relationship becomes more important, more central to my existence. Life without her is going to be hard. I think it will take me years to get over this, if ever. I have greatly enjoyed having a partner, it is the total of all the little things that gave it so much value. I have lived alone several times during my life for years at a time. I just find life more fulfilling with a partner. I doubt I will partner up with anyone else for years, probably for the rest of my life,

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah, I get it...

I do think a relationship would be nice... in theory...

But I know what it usually ends up like in practice...

Haven't watched this video yet (so dunno if it's any good or if it's crap) but the hundreds of comments beneath it are priceless... It seems I'm not the only one breathing a sigh of relief and thinking that the hassle just isn't worth it...

ETA: One general sort of trend I've noticed in life too (with exceptions, obviously!) is that in younger years, many women will be very about/ focussed on relationships... Whether that's family, romantic relationships, having kids, friendships, care-taking, whatever... And during their younger years, many men are all about "independence" and feel constrained/ restricted in relationships... And as we age, there seems to be a kind of a "swapping" of those roles... Many men only start to realise how valuable relationships are as they get older... While many women start to realise how they've over-invested in relationships for so many years and that it's time to step away from that role and to start investing in themselves and their independence...

It's kind of a shame really... It's like we're ships passing in the night... Not "in tune" with each other about that wish for relationships/ wish for independence...

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I think that may be what is happening with my wife and I.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah... I was writing about an ex-partner in my diary earlier... We were together for a long time and I invested way more in that relationship that he ever did... We've kept in touch and now, 8 years after breaking up, he's been quite a help to me this year, as I've battled some health issues... Feels so weird to actually be getting some proper support from him... to be experiencing a certain "role swap" there...

I'm also noticing it a bit on an (alternative) dating site I'm on atm... Men getting calmer and more about attachment as they get older... And me wondering "Do I even want this relationship stuff anymore at all...?"

Either it's poor timing... Or, maybe viewing it in a more positive light... To become "full" human beings on our life's journey, we all have to live those aspects of life that we passed by in our younger years? Maybe it's a healthy part of becoming a fully rounded person?

 

[ellzeena]

So, as I'm nearing 50, I'm starting to see a pattern of thought about romantic relationship (but also about friendships, I guess?) that I used to see in "older people" when I was young... And now I'm starting to be an "older person" myself, sigh...

Anyway, when I was young, relationships and friendships seemed soooo important... And seeing, for example, my parents, who got divorced when I was 11 and they were... 40 and 45 respectively... Neither of them ever got into a significant relationship ever again... At the time, in my teens and my 20s, that seemed inconceivable to me... It seemed to me like they were "isolating in an unhealthy way" and that "every human being needs close relationships to others"...

Now that I'm close to hitting 50, my perspective on this has really changed... And I'm not sure it's "just" the depression phase that I'm currently going through...

The idea of getting into another romantic relationship... sigh... I just feel like I don't have the patience for it anymore... To put up with someone else's bad habits and grumpiness and inconsiderateness... I dunno... It's just sooo unappealing! And I think when I was younger, the "pull" of a relationship, the up-sides, just seemed sooo much more important than the down-sides...

But now, I feel like, I've been there, I've done that... I had a ton of luck with the partners in my life... They've all been truly decent people, except one asshole, but even he was decent in a lot of ways before he started behaving like a shithead... So on the whole, I've been super lucky... I think I've "ticked more or less all the boxes" of what I was looking for in relationships... I mean, there's probably a couple of long-lost dreams that I could dust off, but hey, who doesn't have those...? On the whole, I've had a good run with decent, respectful, caring, supportive partners who have treated me as an equal. I've also had an amour-fou (with the asshole)... so I've ticked that box too, even tho I got burned super badly, but hey, that's part of the amour-fou territory too, right?

So as I'm nearing 50, I feel kind of "meh" and kind of "over it" as far as relationships go... And I dunno whether my brain's sort of like that about friendships too? I've had some really good friendships over the years... I'm very grateful for that... But I feel like I've covered so much ground there too... ticked so many boxes... I feel like that part of my life is kind of "done"...

I don't know whether that's the depression talking, or whether I'm getting ooooooold, or "mature" or what...

I remember going to school with friends and then being on the phone to them for hoursssss after school each day. even tho we'd just seen each other at school all day...

And, I mean, in my 20s and 30s, friendships were still really important, but I guess in my 40s, that started dwindling off... Talking to friends about "everything" just seemed less important... Cos I'd already done it...?

It just seems like so much effort now... And I do think it's partly the depression... That just makes everything seem like an effort that's not worth putting in...

But I'm starting to think it's also an ageing thing...

I signed up to a dating site (again) recently... It's one that's local to the country I live in and it's a kind of "alternative" dating site... It's sort of for people who hate all the other dating sites and find them too superficial and too much about hooking up for casual sex... Anyway, it's pretty low-key and chill and genuine... And I was on it a few years ago... When I was trying to get over the shithead... And I thought a dating site might at least help with that in some way... Anyway, I ended up cancelling my subscription after a few months, cos I could tell I wasn't ready...

So this time I signed up cos someone I knew had signed up and had been offered a "sign a friend up for free for 12 months deal" so I used that and now I'm re-signed up to it... And while I can tell that I'm no longer in that "not ready yet" phase after that horrible breakup... I feel like I'm in that "getting too old for this stuff" phase... I just feel over it...

And yes, depression is making me feel "over" basically "everything"... But it also feels like an age thing (for me). I know not everyone feels like this as they get older, but at the same time, I've seen a LOT of people go down this exact route of "it's not worth the effort" when it comes to relationships as they get older.

So... Anyone over 50 here, that can relate? Anyone else feel like a relationship is just too much bother these days?

Sorry under-50s, this is an old folks question, so what you theoretically think you're gonna feel like over 50 doesn't count... ; )

This isn't "AGING", this is "MATURING". A kid in their 20s knows nothing. They just think they do. The search for intimacy is what you're discussing when you speak of relationships and that intimacy doesn't have to involve physicality, which is why friendships are far more often to be satisfying than romantic entanglements. Not everyone chooses a romantic partner in a healthy manner without the leftovers of childhood experiences. I'm much older than you are, old enough to be your parent, and I can honestly say that my desire to be in a romantic relationship ended at my age 40 the day I gave birth to my only child. And it stayed that way; why? because my priorities did an about face. I suddenly realized what "love" really IS! and that I'd never actually felt it before! and certainly not with MEN! So what I had been seeking, which was evidently and unconsciously actually an effort to acquire what I didn't feel or experience in childhood and teen years, was inside of ME all along. When I became a parent, the parenting I'd done for myself caused me to reevaluate every relationship I had at the time. That's called "growth".

I have to agree that the apparent comfort with one another and dependence on one another in full trust that we see portrayed in some films I have never once experienced in any romantic relationship with a man and I've never seen it either. I presume it exists but apparently it was, and is, impossible for me. Childhood emotional neglect and abandonment hard wired me toward that sort of relationship in such a way as to make it probably impossible to succeed and the desire to even try disappeared beneath the overwhelming desire to PARENT the only Human I had ever truly loved, my daughter. Zero availability to be manipulated, corrected, judged, coerced, depended upon, or any other such thing by a male in a relationship.

My friendships also became quite different because my focus was on my daughter, not on myself. I did have a couple of friends I spoke to alot and one in particular who was 20 years younger than I and called me every day just as you described, but that changed also. I think as we mature, if we're self evaluating and trying to make improvements on ourselves so as to improve the overall quality of our lives, the behaviors of youth are no longer necessary. We don't "need" the group think, we don't require the touching base every day (as we once did, or wished we had, with a parent in childhood). We have "arrived" so to speak. Not everyone does this, by the way. There are still groups (speaking only of women) who "hang out" and have chat fests and they're called GOSSIPS. I don't think what you're describing is a deficit, I think it's a sign of self realization.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you for your feedback @ellzeena !! I'm grateful to hear that someone else "gets" what I'm experiencing...

I think for me it's a confusing, messy mix of the getting-older thing and feeling more independent and less willing to put up with crap in a relationship... as well as also depression screwing everything over quite intensely, including all contact to other human beings...

I've found both your input @Lost in the Woods and @ellzeena truly helpful.

I've been stuck in a rut about this for a month, going round and round in circles and couldn't work out what I was thinking and feeling, couldn't find the words for it, and then I finally found a way to put it into words here...

I've spent the whole day thinking about it and feel a lot more comfortable with it now...

It's a yes-and-no dynamic... Not a full no, but not a full yes either... It's yes, but...

Yes, but... not on "my" terms in the sense that I'm being inconsiderate of a potential partner...

But on "my" terms as in, I'm too old to be settling for second best or for something less than what would make me grow and thrive...

That feels like an intention I can feel comfortable with...

(And you may not approve, @ellzeena but with this new-found comfortableness, I've actually gone and replied to the guy I was speaking to on that alternative dating website... I actually like him a lot... He's someone I'd like to be friends with, even if I wasn't in a relationship and I like his attitudes and he's the same age as me, so he's been-there-and-done-that too... He's got a son who's 22, so he's got that whole imperfect-but-real relationship experience too... Who knows, maybe we'll work out a way to age un-gracefully together without treading on each other's toes? He lives 500 km away from me, so it's not like we'd be sharing a household anyway... )

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Thank you for this discussion. It is very timely for me. I think I am understanding my wife’s issues from reading a woman’s view on these things

 

[arfie]

Anyone over 50 here, that can relate? Anyone else feel like a relationship is just too much bother these days?

i am 70, but i started feeling like relationships too much to bother with in my teens. still do and i often wonder if that is why i never divorced my first chump. we have spent a significant number of years living separately, but i never divorced because i figured that being legally married would slow me down from another trip down the romantic rabbit hole. it worked. "honey, you can keep your heart. what i want is further down" ~emily katz

our current cohabitation was prompted by our three grandchildren becoming orphans. it is more of a business relationship than a romantic one and is proving beneficial for all parties.

 

[Ecdysis]

Heh @arfie yeah... I wonder whether *any* relationship is ever as neat and straightforward as it's in the movies... I dunno if you ever saw that thing on Facebook... dunno if the even still have it nowadays... where you'd enter what your relationship status is...

Ah, here's a copy of it: https://iblogalot.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/r35eae301d82a28ec076462dd2699e84f.png

I loved that when it came out... I was still "young" "back then"

To me, "it's complicated" sums it all up... Not just relationships... but all of life...

So as long as we find somthing that sort-of-mostly works for us... then hey, that's quite a lot!

Thank you for this discussion. It is very timely for me. I think I am understanding my wife’s issues from reading a woman’s view on these things

That's good to hear, @Lost in the Woods

I was a bit worried you'd find it uncomfortable or painful, but if it's helpful, that's really good. I hope that it a) helps you to somehow heal/ repair/ set on a new footing a relationship that's very valuable to you, or b) should that not be possible then I hope it helps you to somehow understand and grow and heal and to focus on the other things that are valuable to you in life. I'm crossing my fingers for you it's the former!

 

[Rose White]

I am around 50 and in menopause and have been single for five years and trying to date so I will qualify myself for this conversation.

I don’t have a lot to say right now but one thing I’ve noticed is that one of my qualifications is that I never want to live with a partner again. So I could see myself living alone AND in an intimate relationship.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Thank you. It is a tough situation that could go either way. No matter what, I will grow from it. I already am.