Hi Deb, Yep... I get it. Me too. You're among your people. I understand what its like to hate yourself. I don't have great compensatory mechanisms for that feeling apart from just being numb to it. I hope you find what your looking for. I hope you get reminded what it is about you that is of immeasurable value. I hope you realize that your worth has nothing to do with how well you parent, or how good of a wife you are. That those things improve on their own once you stop hating yourself, but it doesn't work the other way around. You can't badass parent your way into loving yourself. Your value isn't the sum of your experiences, or some shame/guilt/virtue/sacrifice algebraic equation. Your worth is inherent. Its irrevocable. its irrepressible. Your worth as a person, as a sister in arms, in incalculable. I know it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't to me either. That's why I can speak on this with confidence, because if I can figure that out in my broken state, then this must be an objective truth. Hang on! We've got this.Hello, my name is Deb.
I have long standing PTSD from combat in Iraq while in the Army. Includes war related things and sexual trauma. have had treatment on and off since that time and currently am in intensive CPT therapy along with meds.
I have isolated myself for years from others despite being surrounded by other people. My relationship with my spouse sucks, I can't work, I suck at parenting, and I feel like I walk around in circles all day.
I hate myself and who I am. I think of the person I should have been and it is devastating. It feels like I just can not move forward towards healing. I haven't given up and I will continue to fight the fight for healing.
I am here to be among others who understand what this feels like. I just don't think people get it until they live it.