Ptsd Again?! Help!?

[crazylilpoet]

After years of living with PTSD from sexual assault I thought I was finally free. I completed exposure therapy and for the first time in my life was living symptom free for months. This was something that had controlled my entire life and now I was finally free!

Well the last 4 years my husband has been an abusive alcoholic. He just got sober recently and now I am the one going crazy. It's like I was in the middle of a storm and living in denial to cope. Now that the storm is over I can see how much damage it did. I am having nightmares, I can't sleep, panic attacks, flashbacks, triggers, dizzy spells. It's awful. Anything that reminds me of his drinking, which there are reminders everywhere. The store, gas station, driving by the liquor store, the tv, radio, music, movies just to name a few. I'm having flashbacks of his drinking episodes. I'm even having "flashbacks" of things I don't even know happened. I know he had black outs and I have these flashback like symptoms thinking about what might have happened during those times.

I started cutting again. I've even thought about checking myself in to a hospital. This is worse then the PTSD from the sexual trauma because there weren't as many triggers. This seems to be all the time with no peace. I have no insurance so I can't get counseling. The person who was treating me was through the state and is only for sexual assault related trauma. I feel so alone.

No one gets it when I tell them I am going crazy I can't deal with this. They don't understand that I really truly can't.

I am so depressed. All I can think about is killing myself though I don't have enough guts to do so. It's more I just want an escape. It's so unfair. I finally got free just to be thrown back here again. All I can figure is I have PTSD again. Is that possible?

Has anyone heard of PTSD resulting from a spouse's alcoholism?

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[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Zipperhead]

PTSD has no known cure. Therapy can give you the tools to live with the condition and even maintain a good quality of life. But in the end, you may need to go back for more therapy when symptoms reappear, or when new stressors make the last round of therapy ineffective. You know it worked last time. Get out there and beat this beast back where it belongs crazy!

 

[BigBear]

Poet,

In many cases, PTSD starts because you don't have the support system (the safe places) to retreat to, depend on. I'm guessing that is the biggest thing that failed you in this case. You can't be your own safe place. You have to have others that you can trust! Then you can retreat into safety and not have to man the walls. Then you can rest and regain strength before you must go forth again.

Get out there and beat this beast back where it belongs crazy!

Yes, go back to win the fight. But win the fight before it happens. Get that safe place to rest....

And Welcome!

Bear

 

[melody]

Sorry crazylilpoet, Zipperhead is right - there is no cure, but you CAN learn to live with it.

I can't afford the therapy either but I try to use the coping methods I was taught when I was in therapy. I try really hard to be nice to myself and surround myself with people that do understand... Or at least try to understand, because spending time with people that don't understand only makes it worse for me. It makes me second guess myself and makes me feel like I'm totally crazy because even I don't understand why I can't just snap out of it?! And lastly, I come here - to the forum. I read about how everyone else is feeling, and how they are coping. Sometimes I post, but most of the time I just read. I know I should post more, but I don't because I second guess myself and it takes me a long time to put together a small paragraph. But I'm getting off topic... I come to the forum because I'm normal here and when I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore, someone on the forum takes (posts) the words right out of my mouth (or my head) and the next thing I know, there are members offering their coping methods or just kind words. And when I'm really low, it really helps.

Welcome to the forum crazylilpoet - hope you find that it helps you as much as it has me.

 

[Sandra]

That is so true BigBear. I had no one to turn to when I was a young child. And with my so called mother she made me so terrified to tell anyone. As I knew she WAS capable of murder. Plus my father and both of my siblings were also my abusers. Plus back in the 50s and 60s when I was a young child growing up. Abuse was much more tolerated then which didn't help either.

 

[crazylilpoet]

No you are right I don't have a support system. Here's my analogy.

My husband jumped off a boat and unwillingly took me with him. He crawled back in on his own and I am left drowning. Everyone is still trying to rescue him and I am still drowning. It's all about him.

What's wrong with me for not just being happy that he stopped drinking. Why can't I just be supportive. This is going to be really hard for him. He needs my help. He's got a long road ahead of him. He chose this! I didn't!

My family, his family, even my church looks at me like I am a horrible person because I'm not sunshine and lollipops. I even had my pastor tell me I was selfish and a bad mom for even considering suicide. I was like hello I know that's wrong that's why I'm reaching out to you!

When he was drinking people told me it wasn't a problem. I was the only one who had an issue with it. My own brother in law even told me I probably gave the bruises to myself.

Now that my husband is getting help and people know how bad it was it's still all about him. I have no one I can fall apart around. No one I can be real with. That's why I'm not leaving my house. I was a victim of sexual assault but at least then people acknowledged who did that to me and how horrible it was. Now I am the victim of an alcoholic but everyone only cares about him and how dare I be sick like this.

It's awful!

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[pi314159]

Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to hear everything you have been going through.

I'm also really sorry to hear that you don't have a good support system in place. I have found so much kindness and friendship on this forum...I hope you are able to too. Being here and talking with people who understand me has helped more than I can ever express.

You're not alone - everyone here will support you.