Relationship Ptsd And Aggression

[PeekieBlue]

Hello

I have been on here a while and previously told my story....3 year relationship with ex marine who was diagnosed a few months back with combat ptsd. We bought a house together 8 months ago, it lasted 6 months. As soon as we went through a short period of financial struggle he could not cope. Added to this he started his four months of weekly emdr sessions.

I bought him out of our house and he sorted out his own place in order to secure my future but to also take the pressure off him. I have supported him so much. We continued, after lots of flare ups and rows, to see each other a couple of times a week whilst he continued with therapy and to see if we could rebuild our relationship.

He almost got to breaking point during the therapy but seemed recently to be over the worst and he said he felt the therapy was really helping him. However, this week over a trivial row he threatened me and punched walls and refused to leave my home when I asked him to. When I told him to go he said I would have to call the police to remove him so I dialled 999. That soon made him move his backside out of the front door.

Cut a long story short, he has never hit me and although we have had terrible rows where he becomes very angry I have never felt that he would hit me but this time when he punched the wall twice I felt threatened.

Our relationship is definitely over as I refuse to be threatened in my own home and to be called a cu# t anymore.

Is his behaviour ptsd or is there something else going on here? I know others on here have written about the anger outbursts but are they this bad for other supporters?

Although we are 'over' (and we definitely are this time) I am just curious if perhaps it has not just been ptsd we have been dealing with. Any ideas anyone?

 

[Nicolette]

I guess you will never know but PTSD does not control the behaviour, the person does. Everyone has a breaking point where they would go beyond what is 'normal' for them. Being sworn at is abusive however and again something you can control so I would lean towards believing that the PTSD is exacerbating his anger issues. If he punched walls he has the capacity to punch you in my opinion (and experience) and that is not driven by PTSD.

I believe you have been dealing with both PTSD and a person who is somewhat abusive based on the little you have shared as we do not know his side of the story and whether he was provoked to a breaking point - where in he hit the wall instead of you?!

 

[sol1107]

Even though it's over, you two can only benefit from watching a video over on the MyCombatPTSD.com forum. I can't post links yet, but log in (you can use the same login, since it's a sister site), click on Media, and click on "You're Not In The Forces Now".

 

[PeekieBlue]

Thank you for your replies.

I think you are right Nicolette, there is an abusive tendency here which I have feared is not just ptsd related. Unfortunately my ex partners father was extremely abusive so perhaps some of it is down to genetics?

Yes, there is always two sides to a story but I can honestly say what provoked him was completely not something that should have caused such an abusive reaction. Basically I told him off for contacting my mother about something. I did not shout or swear but because I was being assertive and standing up about something he behaved like a child and reacted.

There have been many episodes and I have always (in my opinion and that of others) remained exceptionally calm and been very patient. On this occasion I had told him that I was already feeling very low as I think all of the stress of the past few months had caught up with me, what with his ptsd, having to raise money to buy him out of our new house, continuing with university studies. For the first time in month's I needed support and he couldn't handle it and when he again started shouting I snapped and told him he was making me sick and to leave me alone.

Basically, ptsd or not, I have taken verbal abuse for months and because I am training to be a mental health nurse I think I put all of his behaviour onto the ptsd label but I'm not sure this is entirely the case. There is an element of bullying too.

Stack82, I shall watch the suggested video. Thank you. I know it is over but it is still difficult to accept how someone can be wonderful and kind then turn into someone who is threatening. I guess that's domestic abuse!!!!!!

Sorry for my moaning. Just needed to get all of that off my chest :-)

 

[PeekieBlue]

Even though it's over, you two can only benefit from watching a video over on the MyCombatPTSD.com forum. I can't post links yet, but log in (you can use the same login, since it's a sister site), click on Media, and click on "You're Not In The Forces Now".

Stavi82, I have watched the video. It is quite powerful and brought a few tears to the surface. I really wish I could email it to my ex as he so much needs to hear what was said in the video. We are having no contact as after his last abusive outrage where I felt threatened as I told him to not contact me again and my family have also told him to stay away (although it should be noted that over the past three years they have been extremely supportive to him).

I have in the past tried to encourage him to look at the combatptsd site but he wouldnt. Maybe in time when things have calmed down I ll send him the details but at the moment I would be too afraid of how he might react even though I would be doing it with good intention and to help him.

Life can be very confusing and trying at times!

 

[sol1107]

It has to be his idea. One day he will understand what he put you and your family through, hopefully sooner rather than later. The longer he waits, the more the pain sets in and eats away at him.

 

[PeekieBlue]

We have had email contact in which I kindly but firmly told him his behaviour is not acceptable. He still loves me but I have said at the moment I need to be on my own. I have applauded him for doing the emdr therapy but have told him he will need more help with the anger management.

He has replied saying I am so much better than he is etc and I should find someone who deserves me. I guess he is taking the easy way out by letting me go and not wanting to get further help?

 

[sol1107]

He's not taking the easy way out, and he's not letting you go. This was the hardest part for me. His depression is setting in, and he's questioning his self-worth.

I became incredibly suicidal when I hit this phase. I never formulated a plan, but I knew I would someday. I would tell my wife that she deserves better. She would be better off with me gone. She countered with, "I know the man I married is still in there." Slowly, but surely, my self esteem grew and motivated me.

Even if the relationship is over, he needs to know that he can be his old self again, or he is doomed to repeat the same mistakes he made with you for the rest of his life.

 

[Dandelion]

I understand what you mean about wondering how far the angry outbursts could go. In my situation, his anger has never been physical - not with me, or walls, or anything and I don't think he would ever hit me, but I have wondered. So far, it's been verbal - just cursing me out and blaming me for his anger.

I don't believe his anger is really at me since it usually erupts out of nowhere. I don't think he understands where his anger is coming from either. Perhaps this is also what's going on in your situation. I don't know how to get him to take a deeper look at his anger, maybe his therapist can help with that. I did, however, tell him that I'm certain his anger isn't actually about me and I'd like him to think about what was actually bothering him.

This last time, it seemed to be because he felt that I was misunderstanding him.......but of course, he was doing nothing to explain himself - just getting mad because I didn't know what he was trying to express. I'm certainly not letting him off the hook for blowing up at me, but I'll give him time to talk to his therapist and try to correct this behavior.

I applaud you for firmly laying out your boundaries. Hopefully, this will be the turning point he needs to start helping himself.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Even if the relationship is over, he needs to know that he can be his old self again, or he is doomed to repeat the same mistakes he made with you for the rest of his life.

HI stavi 82

I kept my boundaries but emailed my ex encouraging him to continue therapy and assured him things could get better and he could get the old him back.

Sadly he has decided although he still loves me, it is all too difficult and he is moving on.
I have to accept this. It's sad though :-(