Sufferer Ptsd And Dissociation

[SCR5star]

Hi I have just joined.

I was first diagnosed with PTSD in 1998. The incidents that lead to my PTSD came from being tortured in 1972. I was 18. The period of torture lasted 6 months. This had nothing at all to do with the armed services. Towards the end of this period I saw my boyfriend die in front of me.

According to my mental health notes which I received about a year ago, when the 1998 diagnosis happened they recommended me for EMDR, but nothing happened. I was not told that anything about my diagnosis. I did not know that I was diagnosed with PTSD. I did get 44 sessions of psychotherapy and bereavement counselling. That which related to what happened in 1972 was hardly touched. I must agree that I was (at the time) more stressed by the death of my friend than the pain of the torture.

In 2010 I had a breakdown and was again diagnosed with PTSD this time it was acknowledged that my PTSD related to the torture. I am still making my way through the system looking for help. I have had my allowance of CBT. I have been put on the waiting list for EMDR.

In 1972 I dissociated to escape the pain of the torture, which probably saved my life, but lead me to have a near complete blank about the memories of what happened during the torture. Over the last 3 years a large number of these blocked memories have returned via many very painful flashbacks.

I have also discovered that I have a false memory that I have believed completely since 1972. This is not the usual false memories that some people remember about things that happened in their childhood. This is the other way around. I have a totally clear memory of something that happened in 1972, that has effected my whole life, and I have found out that this was a false memory. I believed (and saw clearly) something that never happened. I believe this false memory came to me when I was dissociating to escape the pain.

I have joined this forum to try to find answers to what happens when someone dissociates? PTSD and dissociation, and links to imagined events? , where these visions come from? and has this happened to anyone else?

 

[Toranoko]

I remember going to an amusement park a few years ago with friends. I went on a ride with one of my friends, and after getting off the other remarked how much I enjoyed that ride -- that she'd never seen me enjoy myself so much before. I looked at the picture the park took of me on the ride. "Funny. I don't remember enjoying myself that much."

I think that's an example of dissociation.

Remembering things that you forgot had happened is very common. The mind has a way of protecting itself by forgetting ... and then you can remember it once you're ready to tackle the work. Not pleasant in the least ... but, from what I've read, healthy. Creating false memories is also fairly common from what I read. Like I said, the mind has a way of protecting itself ...

I personally like EMDR. CBT is nice, but not deep enough for my Trauma. That said, have you considered Hypnosis (is it available to you)? If you choose that route, make sure you either go through a licensed mental health practitioner or find someone who is willing to work under supervision.

 

[DMerish]

Hi SCRrstar and welcome.

I'm sorry you went though such difficult circumstances, commend you for continuing to work towards healing and wholeness.

The mind and memories is quite amazing, isn't it? I'm curious about the false memory you had, and hope you don't mind me asking whether the false memory was related to the torture or the death of your boyfriend? Or was it something entirely unrelated?

Of course, an answerer isn't required if you're uncomfortable doing so.

I wish you strength, enduring hope, peace and a ((hug)) if you'd like one.

Drew

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

 

[SCR5star]

Hi SCRrstar and welcome.

I'm curious about the false memory you had, and hope you don't mind me asking whether the false memory was related to the torture or the death of your boyfriend?
I wish you strength, enduring hope, peace and a ((hug)) if you'd like one.
Drew

all hugs are most welcome.

I have really struggled to answer your question...................

The false memory is (was) the death of my boyfriend.

Sorry I'd love to say more but I can't. it is all far too raw for me to continue.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I think I understand what you are saying. I have had what I call 'flash forwards' when I see things that never happened. An example is having a car overtake me and I then vividly see the ensuing accident that never happened. ( it only ever happened when hubby was driving) .

T described it as a combination of dissociation and hyper vigilance.

I know it is not the same as your false memory but I can entirely see how it happened for you.

The good news is that with therapy, and an explanation of what is happening it gets better. I felt like my brain was no longer able to trick me as I was ahead of the game.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,

I too have a lot of dissociation and I think it does make it extremely hard to tell what is real or not or trust what is real or not. I don't feel real so how can I have a sense of anything else?

I hope you don't mind me interpreting here and feel free to ignore it if you do but it seems that your boyfriend being killed in front of you either didn't happen or some significant part of it didn't happen in the way you thought. That the torture that happened before is what it was all about.

I have come across a few people with false memory and have read up a lot. It seems it is usually when therapists(usually multiple) have lead someone into a belief. It seems it is possible to have intrusions/flashbacks from something like this too.

I have also read up how it can be a concept that is being expressed to us though. Almost a metaphor if you want. I wonder if that is what happened for you? Your mind wasn't able to go to the torture but needed to express it and get help so you converted the feelings or horror, fear and pain into this other experience?

I struggle constantly doubting my reality until I just want to stop being. It literally drives me crazy to an insane extent. This stuff is hard.

 

[SCR5star]

I have come across a few people with false memory and have read up a lot. It seems it is usually when therapists(usually multiple) have lead someone into a belief. It seems it is possible to have intrusions/flashbacks from something like this too.

:arghh;:arghh;:banghead::arghh;yes, I knew coming on here would help me wheedle out my ideas. Thank you Abstract:tup:

I have always looked on the false memory syndrome stuff as those adults today who are made to invent their past abuses by therapists. I have always thought that I am not like that. My memory was already in there when my therapists of 2011/2/3 helped me get it out.

But I have been looking at it from today looking back, of course what I should have done is to look at it from 1972 forward.

My memory has not been changed by the therapists of today, but the therapists of 1972, who brainwashed me into believing that my boy was dead.

When my mind made this connection that the pain would not stop until BF was gone, I probably, while dissociating, saw my BF die. I told the doctors that he was dead, they didn't try to dissuade me otherwise, as they realised their job was done, and I was released.

Thank you again Abstract, I really needed that big nudge.

 

[Abstract]

Glad I could help SCR.

Please don't feel obliged to answer but is he the person that tortured you?

my mind made this connection that the pain would not stop until BF was gone, I probably, while dissociating, saw my BF die

I can totally see how this could happen.

One important thing I have decided to take away from it is that often the pain is still real. Its just been converted into something else. If others don't try to change it originally that is. In other words I think your vision whilst dissociating was a pure expression of your mental pain about the torture.

 

[Abstract]

I have to add that I am absolutely appalled that they never told you your diagnoses back then. The treatment you had sounds criminally negligent to me.

 

[SCR5star]

I hope you don't mind me interpreting here and feel free to ignore it if you do but it seems that your boyfriend being killed in front of you either didn't happen or some significant part of it didn't happen in the way you thought. That the torture that happened before is what it was all about.
Your mind wasn't able to go to the torture but needed to express it and get help so you converted the feelings or horror, fear and pain into this other experience?
.

Just to explain the torture. I am gay. I was 18 and had been deeply in love with my BF for 2 years. My catholic school found out, they sent me to a mental hospital. My catholic parents were told and they agreed that I should be given this treatment.

Unbeknown to me the hospital psychiatrists tape recorded my conversations with them when they asked me questions about my sexual relationship.
I was then treated to electric shock aversion therapy to change not my sexuality, as this was against the catholic religion, but to turn me celibate and to stop me loving my BF.

I was fastened down to a chair wearing only an opened dressing gown, ie nearly naked. I was given electric shocks to stop me loving my boyfriend. They showed me pictures of my BF and other men, then gave me multiple electric shocks to reject my love for my BF. They played the tape recordings back to me whilst giving me electric shocks. If you ever heard that these electric shocks were "mild" in any way, I can inform you that there were not. This therapy was known at the time as the punishment therapy. How can you be punished unless it hurt?

The doctors were trying to kill my love for my BF, and stamp out my sexuality, while I was trying to withstand the pain and keep my love intact.

The only way my mind found for me to escape the pain was to imagine that my BF was dead, then I could keep my love for him intact in my mind.

My BF who may or may not have been given the same treatment as me (I have no way of knowing) emigrated to France at age 18, I hopefully think to avoid what was happening to me. He didn't return to England till 1979. He died in a (possibly suicidal) car crash 1983.

 

[Abstract]

That makes total sense that you would visualise him dying as it was a way out. I always thought that type of "treatment" was inhumane. It seems they did this for 6 months. Awful.

You might find that part of the pain in "seeing him die" was the loss of your identity or other things added into the distress of the "treatment".