PTSD and...limerance? Transference?

[Abyss007]

Hi all... I’m new. I signed up cause I didn’t know where else to go. I just need to know if anyone has ever experienced this.

I’m a health care worker with PTSD and seeing a counsellor but due to the nature of my job and my community, I’ve been scared to be 100% honest with him.

I got PTSD after i witnessed a very traumatic death. There was question whether the right calls were made... in the end logistically I know nothing would have saved this person. I was one of the main decision makers and my biggest struggle is with guilt. I am thinking about this event more than I should, I have nightmares, I startle easy, I get anxiety triggered etc. I won’t bore you with the details. Overall a mild form of PTSD though.

The weird thing is that firstly I don’t tend to avoid my triggers, it’s like I seek them out. I want to be at work and get anxious when I’m not.

The other complicating factor is that I seem to have developed some sort of Limerence towards the other main care provider. At first it just seemed like that normal “bond” you get with people when you go through crappy cases together but more and more I think about this person.... like a crush. I wonder if they’re okay. I wonder how they feel, if they think I did a good job. In fact the only time I don’t feel shame is when this particular person has told me that...when others do it just seems like they can’t know... but this person knows. Then I get anxious whenever they are around, and do that thing where you replay 2 sec conversation over and over. It’s developed into a physical attraction but it’s totally not realistic. Actually when I first saw this person after this all started I was startled and shocked that this person wasn’t as attractive as I had made this person in my head (mind you I’ve known this person for a long time and while a lot of coworkers swoon over this person I never really agreed). But as time went on I began feeling attracted when I saw this person. I should probably mention at this point that I’m married? I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me because now instead of ruminating about the event I ruminating about this person...but then I also feel triggered everytime I see this person... but the second it goes away it’s like I WANT to be triggered...

Part of me feels like if I could just talk it out with this person it would go away. The only flashback I get is actually this persons reaction to the situation and that was always the case before this ruminating started. However I don’t want to trigger this person nor am I sure it would be professionally appropriate... we have a great working relationship but ....

Anyways I don’t really know what this is.... is it Limerence? Transference?

I will say in the initial after math this person was a great comfort to me so perhaps my mind is seeking shelter in these thoughts?

 

[scout86]

The best thing, if you can, would be to find a way the discuss this with your T. It's really a big part of the reason you're there. It kind of makes a version of sense to me, as your brain looking for ways to cope. Sometimes seeking out your triggers relates to trying to get control of what happened. "Maybe this time I can fix it" for example. The attachment to the other person? Well, you've shared an experience almost no one else did. Not so different from sharing a foxhole. Again, I think your brain is trying to make sense of things. Not too say the feelings aren't "real", but that they probably aren't what they appear to be. (And you sound like you already suspect that.)

Has your workplace considered getting everyone who was involved together for sort of a group debriefing?

 

[Abyss007]

Yes there was a debrief... and the person that is now my trigger was actually the most comforting person for me. It’s like when anyone else told me it wasn’t my fault it wasn’t meaningful cause they weren’t “there” (even from the people that were but not as involved). But anything T would say, was meaningful, because T was “there”

Is it generally a good idea to speak to the people you were in the foxhole with? Because I feel a lot of guilt about the Trauma, i feel responsible for the trauma T indured, and now I fear by asking T to speak about it, I would be triggering T’s trauma.... a trusted coworker seems to think T probably feels the same way

 

[Abstract]

You could always start by asking if it was OK to discuss it with T. I wondered if you would be OK speaking about.... If t isn't comfortable then it is in their power to say no. If not then it is their choice to continue.

Have you watched the film Fearless?

 

[Sideways]

It’s not particularly clear - is your therapist independent of your workplace and the traumatic experience? If not, they should be.

 

[somerandomguy]

it’s like I seek them out.

Not strange. Many of us do this.

some sort of Limerence towards the other main care provider.

I've heard of this before. Sometimes if more than one person is involved in a horrific situation, one of them will have some kind of feelings for the other. So again, not strange.

Part of me feels like if I could just talk it out with this person it would go away.

I think you are aware of how bad an idea this actually is.

I echo everyone else by strongly encouraging you to bring it up with your therapist. Your feelings are likely to get stronger the longer you don't express them.

 

[scout86]

Is it generally a good idea to speak to the people you were in the foxhole with?

Not speaking from personal experience, because I was alone. (well, unless you want to count the person who was actually responsible.) But, I tend to think yes, it's ok and potentially good. You ought to respect how they feel about it, of course. Some people deal with things by not dealing with them, and those people aren't going to want to talk about it. But, it was a shared experience and it's no doubt affected everyone who was involved in some way. I think talking about it might help you realize that, and feel a little less uniquely weird. (That's not a very diplomatic way to put it, but I can't think of a better way. When I first joined this site, that was one of the most amazing things. To learn that things I thought were unique to me, and WRONG with me were actually "symptoms" and other people had them too.)

My T tells me that traumatic memories are stored differently than "normal" memories. I know, for me, those memories have a weirdly magical quality that makes me want to avoid them, and avoid sharing them, like the plague. I think if you can talk about them, especially early on, you stand a better chance of refiling them as "normal" memories that just happen to be bad. Talk it over with your T though. They're the expert.

 

[Justmehere]

I might be really off the mark, so please feel free to disregard anything that isn't helpful.

The weird thing is that firstly I don’t tend to avoid my triggers, it’s like I seek them out. I want to be at work and get anxious when I’m not.

This is probably something called counterphobia. It's a way people try to gain control over something they fear. (I do it.) They move towards the trigger, towards the feared object, as a way to attempt to master/resolve the past trauma and control current fear. It could also be a way you are avoiding sitting with yourself and dealing with the pain you are in by being busy busy busy with the triggering environment.

Feeling guilty about the trauma is possibly another way you are seeking control over what you fear. If you blame yourself, then you don't have to sit with the really unnerving reality that really bad things happen in life, and we as humans, can't always stop them.

Having infatuation and wanting to sort of sexually merge with someone providing reassurance for that powerful guilt... I wonder if it's sort of the same thing. Not being fully honest with your counselor... also a sign of possibly trying to regain a sense of control and avoiding feeling out of control.

Lots of ways you are trying to find relief from the pain of what happened.

Anyways I don’t really know what this is.... is it Limerence? Transference?

Sounds like a fellow trauma survivor and colleague provided much needed validation and reassurance close in time to the trauma.

Your feelings now seem like they could include some erotic transference. The reassurance and validation being something you want to really connect with on a very deep level. Even merge with.

I think it's ok to ask them if you can talk to them about the trauma, as long as you...
Talk to your therapist about it.
You can maintain the boundaries you need to not act on anything sexual.
No longer expect them to be able to fully resolve your guilt or the impact of the trauma.
Know they may be a bit shaken up about it themselves and be going through their own process.

If you can approach them as a colleague, a peer, it might be helpful. I've found that healthy peer support doesn't resolve the impact of trauma for me, but helps me face the trauma, face myself, and deal with things in a healthier way.

 

[Abyss007]

Yes therapist is independant. He suggested I “check in” with this person but again I wasn’t 100% honest with him

I’ve never seen fearless.

The biggest issue in this all I guess is that there’s a high likelihood I will find myself in a similar situation with this person again, and possibly soon. The nature of our roles is that we only work together when there’s a serious case.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I’m sitting at home having sexual fantasies. But I do think of this person often. The only sort of flashback, if you can call it that, mostly it’s a mental image, is of this person’s reaction. Sort of felt like watching a fellow soldier be wounded... emotionally.

I don’t expect it to solve anything except hoping I can stop ruminating about this persons wellbeing and perhaps also seeking out to see if there is anyone else as affected as me. I have connected with others, many affected but not to this extend. But no one else was as deep in the foxhole as me and this person.

 

[grit]

I could be 100% wrong but I think the weight of this trauma is triggering something fundamental i your past. It sounded to me that a good therapist can help you with that source not the symptoms... Like work related or vicarious trauma.

Wishing you well.

 

[Abyss007]

After discussing it with my therapist, I had an opportunity to have an extensive conversation with this individual over some coffee and did help as this person is equally struggling. I think it’s helped me move on a bit from worrying/thinking about this person and so now I feel like I can focus back on myself. It helps knowing I’m not alone and helped me put the situation back into a reality-based perspective rather than the one my brain had made up.

Those feelings seem to have subsided. I guess while they felt like a “crush”, it was really just a trauma bond and need to connect with someone that was there...

Weird though everytime I work through a piece of guilt, I start feeling guilty about something else. Like my brain has just decided it wants to feel that way. I don’t “think” I’m guilty of anything.... but I feel guilty of everything. Every morning I wake up feeling “better” until i get left alone with my thoughts and they start down that same path of ruminating on one thing or another.

And grit you are right... apparently this triggered a resurgence of previous trauma that I thought I had dealt with long ago.. through therapy.... and when I think of the initial trauma I don’t feel upset or traumatised. The therapist brought it up and I’m like no, I’m good with that... it’s processed and dealt with. Can PTSD really be resolved for decades and then be re-triggered? The situation is not even that similar. Like I’m really stretching it by identifying the similarities.

 

[Abstract]

Glad you managed to speak to him. Is he receiving help?

it’s processed and dealt with. Can PTSD really be resolved for decades and then be re-triggered? The situation is not even that similar. Like I’m really stretching it by identifying the similarities.

I can;t say personally as haven't been in that situation but there have been quite a few people on here who have reported this. Personally have had things I was 100% sure had not affected me being set off my new stressors/traumas and resulting in flashbacks etc; and things that had quietened totally rear up again when a new situation arises. Hope someone way more knowledgable than I answers as am interested too. I used to feel I understood the concepts fairly well but now am not so sure.

Could there be less obvious links? Such as feeling powerless for example.