PTSD And My Own 12 Step Recovery

[Mommy to 2]

I posted to the "Medical Marijuana and PTSD" thread on 8-15 and this morning. I have been clean and sober since 1996. I know that time does not equal recovery, and I have been proud of the fact that despite the molestation of my children and the resulting difficulties that I have had, that I have "not picked up".

I've noticed lately that I wear a "mask". I am sad and my mind is troubled constantly. I am on anti-depressants for my depression and crying, but I am certainly not the happy person I was. It is really taking a toll on me and I'm still crying.

The "mask" is put on when I interact with my husband or children or others. I became acutely aware of it recently. I was approaching house where the children were being watched while I was at my Therapy session and I didn't see my son standing there. When I looked up, he was there and I had to change the look of desolation on my face, for him.

Since I've become aware of the "mask" I wear, it makes me think that I need to change something. I've been reading threads that I have posted to and other's posts, too. Being in recovery, I have been conditioned to "don't use no matter what". Below is the reply I posted at 3am this morning as I sat crying at my desk.

Does anyone have experience with being in recovery and considering getting a prescription for Medical Marijuana? Am I nuts? Self righteous? Conceited? Am I just trying to justify "using" again? If it is prescribed to me, it wouldn't be considered "using", but am I trying to justify it? HELP!

I am strong. I am smart. I can think clearly.​

In reading the responses of others, I am wondering if medical marijuana could be beneficial for me. I live in a state where medical marijuana is legal and recall voting "YES" for it, even though I was no longer using it. I thought then, watch what happens...I'll get glaucoma later in life and have to smoke pot.

Is this me wavering on my conviction to no longer "use"? Prescription medications are allowed, but would it be a "relapse" to use the "drug of my choice" again? Am I in "relapse mode"? Am I trying to justify in my mind how it'd be ok for me to use medical marijuana?

How would this prescription, or in my mind "using" again, affect me? Would I be still be "strong", "smart" and "thinking clearly"? How would it affect my children? I don't think my husband would be favorable to it. He does not drink or smoke and wants that type of lifestyle with me. Or would he be ok with it? He's more and more increasingly worried about me now. If I was happier and not crying all the time because of it's benefits...or am I trying to justify "using" again?

~Mommy to 2

 

[clare]

Hi Mommy,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Today's a pretty bad day for me as well. Just so you know-I'm a carer and a sufferer. My 10 year old son has PTSD from being repeatedly sexually assaulted at school-we're still going through the legalities of it all and it's rough. I totally understand feeling empty and aching for something to make you feel good again. My PTSD is complex and involves a number of life threatening trauma. There are times when I really, really want cocaine and being from Boston I know I could get it with one phone call. I also know I was addicted to it. If it was used for medical reasons I still wouldn't ask for it because I would have to lie to the doctor to get it. I hope others here offer more advice. It may not be something you want to hear but I really don't think you'll get a script for a substance you've previously had a problem with. Sorry I'm not more helpful, I'm just totally scatter brained today.

clare

 

[amethist]

Hi Mommy

Your post made me sit up and think.

This is exactly what my husband does, but it has taken you to write this, for me to see it as it truly is.

When I am out or at work he mostly just sits and feels alone and depressed about everything. It is very rare he does anything that he use to enjoy, he seems to have lost most of his motivation. As soon as I walk in he is all smiles and happyish looking, I now know better. Even though I can usually tell by his voice all is not well, he is good at hiding behind his mask.

Thank you for pointing this out to me.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 541]

I believe that once you are an addict, whether it be prescription, booze, or illegal drugs, that you are an addict. In saying this, you need to stay away from all that tempt you.

I quit drinking about 10 years ago, but I know myself enough, that if I had just ONE drink, it would be all over for me. I would become a raging drunk again.....

As far as the *mask*, yes, I too have them, and have worn them.....I think that we all do.....Possibly in fully facing out trauma, and dealing with it, in a healthy manner, we can finally put the masks away......

 

[cat]

I think the 'mask' wearing is part of recovery & although it's false sometimes its the only 'face' i can show. I've also gone back to saying I'm fine when people (psych, gp & here excluded) ask how i am because I can no longer deal with their opinions on my health.

I've recently returned to work after 15mths sick leave, I've got to make it work otherwise I will be dismissed on medical grounds. Sometimes when I go I feel lousy but have to put on my 'mask' to stop my collegues either saying 'how are you' or walking on eggshells around me, which just reinforces the fact i've been ill.

Getting through this place we're in is jolly hard work & I find anything I can do to reduce the impact from others reaction to my ptsd really helpful.