PTSD And Shame

[onebravegirl]

Shame is common among those who sufferd child abuse. Children take on the responsibility of burdens easily. It is common for abusers to say that it is the childs fault that they are being harmed. Lock that thought into a mind and over the years it can add to the sense of being to blame for everything.
I felt shame for years and years. "Shame is my name" used to be my mato.
That shame for me was also related to not knowing how to fix myself. It mixed with a feeling of little selfworth, and a feeling of hopelessness of ever figuring out how to get rid of the shame.
My shame was my poison.
Finding out that it is OK to ask for help and find answers gradually helped the shame lift. It was truley shocking to finally realize that shame was not my burden but my abusers.
I was, in effect, abusing myself by denying my right to heal. Shame was the abusers tool to keep me quiet.
I feel NO shame now.
O

 

[tah]

It is uncanny the timing of this topic. I had one of my emotional crying breakdowns two nights ago. I kept thinking how embarrassed (ashamed) I am of how I have handled things and who it has affected. How I don't want to meet new people or even reconnect with old friends because I am afraid they will find out the things I have done and how I have acted.
Part of me is also ashamed of the acts that occurred when I was a child. I think that is the main reason I have such a difficult time telling my husband all about it and why I keep burying it. I know I shouldn't be, but I am just afraid of how others will view me if/when they find out.

 

[somerandomguy]

This is a good question.

I have lived my life filled with shame for myself. But my shame - sexual shame - predates the PTSD by decades. It's just the result of a devout Catholic upbringing - no abuse involved, just a lot of humiliation.

But I'm sure the PTSD wouldn't have taken root in the same way that it did without the shame. In fact in my case the PTSD rides on the back of the shame.

 

[useless]

I for one have zero shame with what happened to me. And I think that is the point, it depends on what happened to you. I isolate myself because I think most people are idiots and my temper can't take the strain of dealing with them. Also I do not like strangers behind me such as in a checkout line or whatever.

 

[anni]

I can't put my finger on why I feel shame. I know I do not like some of my actions and feel shame there but it's not that. It's a knee-jerk thing with seemingly no base or bottom to the dam barrel. Anything which triggers me evokes shame, it doesn't seem to matter what sphere it's from. Fear/dread/guilt/shame. It's just there, a noxious little mess in my head.

Anni

 

[Lionheart]

I think shame is a big factor in trauma related to child abuse, especially sexual child abuse. Being a man, shame was a big problem for quite a while early on in therapy. Now, I know the shame rightfully belonged to the abuse perpetrators and not to me, so that I no longer suffer from feelings of shame related to PTSD trauma. Anyone who tries to shame another person for having PTSD related difficulties is likely to have issues that they are projecting off onto others and we sufferers should recognize this and not take on any shame about our own illness/issues. Shame only slows recovery and unless we have done something wrong then shame serves no positive purpose and it deserves no place in our lives. Just my two cents.

 

[cragger65]

It seems like I have always had trouble feeling "good" about myself. I still go through periods of self-attack, that I should have been stronger, and chosen differently. My nuero-psych always reassures me that I do my best, and I'm always showing improvement, but the voice of my first psychiatrist (after breakdown) always rings in my head, saying "It's choices that you made"... in the tone that it was said, it seemed more like "It's all your fault". I feel ashamed that I "gave up" somehow, though my nuero-psych always reminds me that I do still try, and I guess I do. Just not like the old me.

I'm doing better blocking that old negative voice out of my head, but it's always right there in the back of my mind.

 

[Nicolette]

Thanks for your responses everyone. It seems there are a majority who are affected by some sort of shame.........which is sad.

 

[Marlene]

Shame has been this huge component of my PTSD. First I was ashamed that I had this mental problem that wouldn't go away. Shamed that when I spoke to certain people about it they removed themselves from my life. Shamed that when I spoke to an old boss I thought I could trust he told me if I spoke of it again I'd lose my job. It was like life was reinforcing the shame I already felt. Telling me I should feel ashamed for what I had become.

Dealing with the traumas brought on a lot of shame. My 'big' traumas are sexual and that seems to have its own built in shame factor. I don't feel ashamed anymore for what happened to me...it wasnt' my fault. But if someone asks why I don't have contact with my brother I'd love to say 'because he raped me and sexually abused me and he's a monster'. Shame pops up at the thought of revealing family secrets. So I just say 'he's a jerk' and leave it at that.

The shame I'm dealing with right now is how my life has turned out/changed into since PTSD exploded into it. That's a tough one.

Lisa

 

[anni]

It seems the point is that no matter how lucidly everyone can pinpoint the genesis of their shame(s), our first reaction is to experience the stupid thing. Our perceptions are warped. If someone behaves in a judgemental manner, for instance, most people could dismiss the event with 'wow what a pompous #ssh#le'. It sounds like we instantly internalize, and maybe subconsciously agree and feel ' yes i know, I s#ck'.

I realize that's not the case across the board here in the forum, but it does sound really common. Once again though, there's an 'up'side which is we're not alone.

Take care,

Anni

 

[somerandomguy]

Our perceptions are warped. If someone behaves in a judgemental manner, for instance, most people could dismiss the event with 'wow what a pompous #ssh#le'. It sounds like we instantly internalize, and maybe subconsciously agree and feel ' yes i know, I s#ck'.

Wow, that's really true, at least for me.

But the question remains, what if I really DO s#ck?

 

[anni]

Someguy,

It was a serious question so do not mean to dismiss it's depth by telling you your post made me smile. It only did because it's a REALLY familiar impulse, saying that! It was a smile of recognition.

There is that dam persistant voice in our heads saying that every single time we try to look in the mirror and like what we see. It's the PTSD disallowing us even the dignity of existing here on the planet. You kind of have to try to wrap your head around the fact that you are inherantly deserving of your right to exist simply because you are HERE, ON this planet along with everyone else. Your place here is just as deserved as the next person. Your right not to s#ck is on the exact same level as those you probably perceive as somehow 'better' than you. They're not, we are all pretty much the same.

It's not much, but it's a starting point of sorts. I have to tell myself that all the dam time and once in awhile I believe it, so I know I'm getting a little better.

Take care, ok?

Anni