Ptsd Breakup / Pattern

[cmd]

I just broke up with my boyfriend, who also has PTSD, because of his PTSD issues. And when we were having the discussion, I sort of realized I'd walled myself off. It almost felt good to say, "Okay, hey, no more bond," even though I love him and I'm worried about his state of mind, even now.

And I realised that this is a pattern for me. Since I developed this disease, I have the tendency, when things get too close, to just walk away. My last girlfriend, two months in, just when she was falling in love with me, I did it. I can go back years. It's like I have trouble... letting people in?

I had a conversation with a friend today about it, because I was upset when I was told how great it was that I was so happy and managing things so well - when I was sitting with friends, drinking to get drunk, saying I was upset about the situation. I sort of throw on the smile and fend off questions so it can't get deep. And when the bad situation - negative feelings, upset - I just wall. My old therapist says it's called emotional avoidance, but it's killing my ability to be in a relationship.

I'm not sure why I'm posting, but any advice or personal experience is welcome.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum.

This is not a long term solution, but have you tried just not being in a romantic relationship's for while?

Think of it like would social anxiety. When you have social issues you will avoid and isolate, which is not healthy. Instead they should try something simpler, finding a safe place to sit for a while helps. I go to a coffee shop, listen to music and write in my journal. The same can apply here. Take your time, get to know yourself and your boundreis. Ease into things...there is not reason to rush into anything. You clearly are not ready to handle them anyway.

Make small non-romantic relationships. Small simple ones. I mean very simple, maybe just the person who works in the coffee shop you go to recognizes your face. It will help you reestablish trust in humans.

Does this make some sense? :)

Hope it helps.

 

[cmd]

It does make sense. I took a couple of years away from doing anything like a romantic relationship - the idea sent me running for the hills.

It sounds dumb - and it is - but there's immense pressure to do so - get into a relationship. I'm the only one in my family to make it to my age without marriage. All of my friends are in long term committed relationships.

And I'd like to be in a relationship. I'd like to have a supporter and a partner and all that - what I had before. I just... I even have trouble maintaining friendships, because I need space. It feels like failure.

 

[Ruth09]

cmd,

I have the same problem opening up.

My parents divorced when I was a kid in diapers. I grew up with an emotional-abusive mother. And an unsupportive, afraid to hug me, biological father that I visited.

I was sexually abused as a child by a neighbor. And by my step-dad, who my mother eventually divorced. To this day, my mother still doesn't know.

She is a bitch of a mother and I keep this information from her because she would only make the situation seem as I was the one at fault and the universe revolves around her.
Yeah, I still have a toxic relationship with my mother, but its one I have to maintain.
The only saving grace is I don't live with the woman.

When people met my parents, they were "cool" parents to have.

But, now, that I'm dealing with military PTSD, I suffer in silence. I don't have anyone that will let me just vent, except my dog.

When I feel that people are actually asking questions about my feelings and my wants and desires,... I shut down. I feel that they will only use the information that I give them to emotionally and verbally attack me. It happened when I was a kid and it happened when I was in the military.

And even though I'm a "civilian" now, I carry this same distrust with me.

As an adult, my relationships were mostly Mr. Right-Now's. And the one's that I took an interest in usually had hang-up's, like a criminal-record, or a wife. Ya know, dirt bags.

Then, when I first suffered with my military PTSD, I had to deal with losing my career if I sought help.
So, since I learned to suck it up very early on, and sucking it up was going to allow me to keep my career, this is what I did.

I became that "female-sergeant-who-is-probably-gay-who-hangs-out-in-her-room-all-the-time-who-can-drink-you-under-the-table".

(For the civilians: If you are single female sergeant in the military, every military male will consider you gay. And if you deal with your fustrations by working out in the gym for hours at a time,... yeah, the stereo will stick no matter what you do. Thus, the men you want to chase you will be scared of you.)

After seeing very strong men and women being emotionally and verbally attacked, and having their military career's ended for having PTSD, you keep your mouth shut when you have it.

There are only so many times you can be kicked in the teeth.

Sucking it up allowed me to survive. Now, that I'm retired, I want to do more than just survive.

I've been back in therapy to try to get a handle on the crap in my head, but its a lot of work.

Yeah, I'd like to have a relationship with a warm male body. But, with the crap in my head, I can only be hopeful.

Ruth