Ptsd is selfish

[shimmerz]

I used to know who I was. One thing I could always count on was that I was not selfish. I didn't try to upstage people, I extended my hand whenever possible, loved to socialize and formed deep attachments to many people. I am not saying this was all good, but that it was steady. Then PTSD hit. Because I was so reactionary, I became a different person altogether. That was when (whether I liked it or not) everything seemed to be about me. I hated that about my PTSD self.

Now, I am not saying this is the way it is for everyone who has PTSD, but for me. My reactions seemed to be a never ending string of dramatic and bizarre events that anyone who hung out with me would need to watch out for. I would run out in front of cars if I heard a baby cry, I would faint on the spot for various innocuous reasons or even something as simple as sitting in a restaurant. I had to sit somewhere 'special' so everyone waited for me to pick the table we would sit at. All of this annoyed the crap out of me. Worse still, I would daze out and be unreachable and my peeps would need to get me safely home. I honour those who stood by me through those dark times. Not everyone did. Nor did anyone 'have to'.

I have met people who didn't know the 'old me' and I am certain they have feelings that are soundly rooted in my being an attention seeker, a drama queen, selfish, etc. They don't know that I haven't had to sit in a 'special chair' all of my life and can't understand why they can't pick the seat. Well, they can but it will be them helping me hobble home or get me out of the restaurant when I completely blank out. So in order to do damage control it was me who picked where we sat. Why? Because I didn't want others having to pick up my pieces so to speak due to ignoring things that would trigger me into that state. At the root of it all I did attempt to have people understand that the lesser of two evils was allowing me to pick the seat during out meal. It was me caring about those I was with so bad things didn't happen that would affect them. I have no idea if this is coming across properly or not - sorry.

Anyways, something happened suddenly 2 months ago that has had my 'PTSD reactions simply cease. It is a whole new world out there. Due to this sudden shift, I am able to see what a dichotomy in character me and my peeps have been trying to adjust to since I started having my PTSD reactions. I can now sit where I want and not react. I can walk in front of a tv (I can even watch tv if anyone considers that a victory) and not drop. I can walk in malls. I can listen to a baby cry. It has all stopped. So suddenly. And here is what I have noticed as my peeps adjust. It makes me so sad what I have done to them.

A friend waited outside in the freezing cold (not knowing I was already there) waiting for me at a restaurant so that I could 'pick the right seat'. Another friend was watching tv while I was around and was constantly checking in on me if I was 'triggered' and jumped at the converter to mute the tv when a commercial came on. It made no difference how often I told him I don't trigger. This pattern is set in him and it is my doing so. I feel horribly.I tell people that I am heading out and everyone jumps all over me with 'be careful you don't....., watch out for ......, don't go.... I will take my phone in case......happens. OMG. How did they live like this for 8 years! This is just a sampling. How incredibly tiresome this must have been for them for so long. I feel so very very selfish...who does that to friends? Who allows that to happen without seeing it? Shameful.

 

[Kintsugi]

I wish you would be more compassionate to yourself. It sounds like your friends have the sort of compassion you could use with regard to your needs.

Think of it this way. Say you were in a coma for some time/had a stroke/were in a wreck/etc and needed PT to regain your strength. Say you were in a wheelchair, or needed a walker, whatever, and that limited your access in some situations. People would adjust to that accessibility issue.

Then, you have PT, and you regain strength, and suddenly you have much greater accessibility. You could relapse/reinjure at any time, but for now your accessibility is greatly improved. People would have a hard time adjusting to you being able-bodied. They would forget that you did not need the same considerations.

It's not selfishness. It's disability. Your friends seem to understand this, and you are very lucky for that. Sometimes we slip. Sometimes we are "re-injured," so to speak. You may relapse. You may not. Thank god you have such great friends, willing to adjust to your health, right? :)

 

[illusionist]

From what I have learned about people I am pretty sure your friends would not have taken your feelings into consideration if they were not getting something back.....most certainly over a length of time. Take pride in the fact that your friends obviously thought you were worth it.....I'm sure you gave a lot back without realising. If you think back on what you have given them I'm sure you will realise you have not been selfish.....although I totally understand feeling selfish but feeling and being are totally different.

 

[scout86]

This pattern is set in him and it is my doing so.

You're giving yourself too much credit here. Your friends, of their own free will, made choices. Like @richter scale said, people rarely do that unless they're getting something in return. What they got was you, and apparently they think you're worth it. I would tend to agree! :)

 

[shimmerz]

I respect each of you tremendously as I have known your postings. What am I not getting here? I can't seem to wrap my head around this selfish bit. If I try to come up with another word that voice inside me, which based on your responses is my inner critic, gives me these words - uncaring, weak, helpless, idiotic, troublemaker. I know enough about this stuff that if all those bad things are coming to me it is a script of some sort that I have bought into but I seriously cannot figure out any good or even neutral word that I can use here. Help!!!!

 

[The Albatross]

People have been responsive of your special needs for a long time, if you've shifted, give them a chance to shift too.

It was hard for my mister to give up the caregiver role when I started getting a life back. He had to learn by my consistency, that I didn't need the kid gloves anymore.

 

[The Albatross]

Accommodation does not equal "selfish"... it can though be intensely uncomfortable to see the lengths that people who love or care for us have gone to - to be supportive and in our lives.

 

[Justmehere]

PTSD not anymore selfish than someone using crutches while they heal from an injury.

PTSD is about survival. It's a survival mechanism, survival of the self, that sticks. It takes time for it to heal and for the body and brain to realize the hypervigalence isn't needed anymore to stay safe, stay alive.

That's different than being selfish or worthy of shame.

Your friends would not care for you the way they do if you were worthy of the shame you are dumping on you.

What am I not getting here? I can't seem to wrap my head around this selfish bit. If I try to come up with another word that voice inside me, which based on your responses is my inner critic, gives me these words - uncaring, weak, helpless, idiotic, troublemaker. I know enough about this stuff that if all those bad things are coming to me it is a script of some sort that I have bought into but I seriously cannot figure out any good or even neutral word that I can use here.

That is what your abusers thought of you. That's what you have internalized in you. It's what you had to believe at one point in time to survive.

None of it is true. One of the things that recovering from PTSD has taught me is that just because I think it, doesn't make it true. But it's not entirely useless that you have a robust inner critic. Your inner critic developed as robust as it did, probably because it is what you needed at one point to survive. (This is what my therapist is trying to show me.)

The place I had to start to begin to shift my inner critic is to decide I was going to not agree with my abusers that I was a worthless human being anymore.

Let's take this outside of you. Would you say any of those things about another sufferer here if they did the same things you did? Would you judge or shame any of us if we did the same as you?

Of course not. So why do you deserve such shame above and beyond others?

A place to start: to see yourself with the same compassion you have of others.

The inner critic's voice, which is really a reflection, and internalization, of your abuser's message to you, will lose it's power in time.

 

[illusionist]

I see it as we have been conditioned into how we think......both in our past experiences and in social expectations. A woman gives her all....she nurtures and cares for others....traditionally we don't expect that to be given back....we don't see our worth. Couple that with our tortured pasts?......our feelings/ needs don't matter?.....hope this makes sense as I do have a problem explaining what I feel in the written word.

 

[Nam]

I know enough about this stuff that if all those bad things are coming to me it is a script of some sort that I have bought into but I seriously cannot figure out any good or even neutral word that I can use here. Help!!!!

I'm still here. I am constantly questioning whether or not I'm being selfish. I haven't been called selfish in a while but if I were accused of it, it would be devastating to me.

Try hard to distinguish between self-ish (which has negative connotations) to self-care. I know that my family is better taken care of if I take care of myself. It crumbles if I leave myself out.

 

[shimmerz]

just because I think it, doesn't make it true

I am getting to see that and it is a great reminder. Normally I would call this a belief system, faulty though it may be. Normally with those I replace them with something more positive. I can't just get them to disappear - I am so struggling to know what to replace this with though. I am trying to externalize as you suggest but honestly, I have never seem the reactions I had in anyone else and I have this 'you attention seeking bitch' script that goes on inside of me. I draw the parallel to selfish here. Hmmmm, my sister.....hmmmmm. Thank you.

Would you say any of those things about another sufferer here if they did the same things you did? Would you judge or shame any of us if we did the same as you?

I wouldn't but I know someone who would have and did. I think I see the connection now. I grew up with an older sister (6 years) who was constantly whispering to me that I was faking, that I was selfish, that I was a horrible person to have in the family. She was 8 when I was adopted and always wanted me 'gone'. Okay, this is making more sense now. One of the friends I am speaking of is a friend from decades gone by and we have 'adopted' each other as sisters. The other person I was speaking of stands in for me as a brother. I think this may be about my subconscious perception of what a sibling's role has been in my life.

Of course not. So why do you deserve such shame above and beyond others?

Because I am especially bad. Beyond hope, beyond redemption. Thanks each of you for walking me through this.

A place to start: to see yourself with the same compassion you have of others.

hmmmm, funny what comes to mind with this. My compassion doesn't count, just my faults. Will have to watch this one. Maybe I will start with externalizing this one and allowing myself to see that my pseudo family's compassion counts. Again, thank you.

as I do have a problem explaining what I feel in the written word

Nope, I don't see that. You come across very clearly and articulated (is that proper in this sentence? lol).

although I totally understand feeling selfish but feeling and being are totally different

Brilliant! This feels like a stepping stone of epic proportions. This along with @Nam 's statement (below) is helping me put the root of this issue and why it is arising now, together for me. Thank you @richter scale . I understand what you are getting at perfectly.

It's not selfishness. It's disability

Funny to me (for myself only), disability is selfish. Hmmmm, I wonder why? Interestingly enough I do fall into coma like states and that feels VERY selfish. I know where this comes from. It was self serving (life protecting actually), not selfish. Got it. Thank you so much.

You're giving yourself too much credit here.

lol. This is quite often the case. lol. Kinda selfish isn't it? lol.

distinguish between self-ish (which has negative connotations) to self-care

Ahhh ha! Maybe this is why selfish is coming up for me right now. It is new to me but very strong and I am doing much self care right now. And yes, it feels very very selfish. My wires get crossed on this one all the time.

Getting there .... slowly .... starting to see where this has been coming from. I just want you to know that I really appreciate all of you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Please try to remember that you have just endured a traumatic set of events. Major. This will trigger the old tapes, stress cup load and anything else that has not been totally resolved insofar as response to stress.

Self compassion often takes a back seat when the inner critic is let loose. Perhaps give audience to the negative rumination and slowly breath into it while using CBT to redirect, reframe, accept and forgive yourself on a level that you need to self nurture the recent wounding. You are grieving a major loss.:hug: