Relationship Ptsd - Related Ocd: Conclusion Thoughts

[VeggieSnap]

I would like to thank everyone who decided to take the time to read my 2 previous long threads, and also the ones who provided useful information and opinions with my situation. Unfortunately, since the threads were erased, I am unable to thank you individually. I did skim through the posts before the deletion. Someone posted a link illustrating the difference between PSTD and OCD. If you could re-post the link so I can read the article it will be greatly appreciated.

Anyways, I did speak to my GF yesterday after our fight. I think the theme of my previous posts was that I was getting frustrated with her condition. When she has panic attacks, I feel guilty of things not being done how she likes them. I told her that I don't get mad at her for these incidents because she obviously does it unintentionally. I also do not want to tell her how she makes me feel when she panics because I do not want to hurt her feelings. Since I do not have anyone to talk to about this, and when many of these guilt trips accumulate, I can't help but to fight about it. It often happens every 6 months or so. These are some examples on how I feel guilty with her anxiety:

• Forgot to put her favourite water bottle on the dish washer, she gets mad because she will not be able to drink water at work.
• Bought ground beef that doesn't look right. She does not want to eat it after I placed it on the pan, and I have to sanitize the kitchen because of the bacteria, calm her down, and think about what to eat for dinner.
• Basically she made me feel stupid because I bought a milk that expired 5 days after being purchased.
• Today, I saw a bottle of cinnamon powder on the counter top. I put it where it was supposed to be. Later on she tells me that bottle fell on the kitchen sink and can't use it. The funny thing is that there are 2 cinnamon bottles now in the drawer and we will have to buy a new one.

I also read here that I worded "long carrots take too long to cook" offensively. My GF also acknowledged this, and I apologized. I was wrong. She should not be treated like this. She said she waits for me to cook because she doesn't want our cat to go touch the dishwasher or her food (I do not believe this). From now on I will let her know she can take as long as she wants to do things. I'll be patient, and if she wants to do things that will cause anxiety I will not prevent her from doing them. I do not want her to feel shame or guilt. She wants to make burgers, and for me to BBQ today...

One more thing, I told her that I feel like a caretaker and she said "it almost feels like you do not want to live with me". I also said I wanted to see a therapist. She said "Why? so they can tell you to leave me?". It appears that she has had bad experiences with therapy. Her past 2 relationships failed because of couples therapy. She had to see 2 psychiatrists to diagnose her condition, and the last tool of a therapist was not successful with her. Maybe this is the reason why she does not want to go see one. (She does not say "no", she just avoids the question by not answering it or by staying silent). However, later on she did say we could go together to see one (My future one I guess).

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think you're falling into the common supporter guilt trap, no matter what her mental issues are.

You're not responsible for the bugaboos in her head. It's not your fault if she doesn't want to eat the perfectly fine food that you buy. There was nothing wrong with that milk or hamburger. Why feel guilty for buying perfectly good food with nothing wrong with it? It's in her head, not in reality. No guilt.

 

[Snowflakes]

@VeggieSnap I do want you to know that our posts last night did help me personally.

I hope you find your answers and I hope you and your GF find peace in both your lives.

Take care.

 

[Fadeaway]

Sometimes it takes seeing multiple therapists to find one that clicks. There is nothing wrong with going therapist shopping.If you don't like the therapist or you don't feel comfortable they aren't going to be able to help you much.

It does sound like she is insecure about the relationship because of her issues. I advise reassuring her that you love her and enjoy being with her but you aren't going to be responsible for her food choices anymore. You are also not responsible for the water bottle. There are things she needs to do for herself.

I wouldn't recommend mentioning this until she is in therapy, but sanitizing things to the level she is creates superbugs that become immune to all disinfectants. Hospitals have that problem.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

It appears that she has had bad experiences with therapy.

I know that one. It took me 2 years after a bad experience to take the plunge and find something new. It's hard and sometimes it feels impossible but ultimately it's necessary. As well sometimes what I've perceived at the time as bad advice or incompetent mental health professionals has actually been good advice revived badly. Or things they could've put better as I was hyper aware of criticism. It has even been things I didn't want to look at or acknowledge (ostrich mode).

There is nothing wrong with going therapist shopping.

This is exactly it you don't and probably shouldn't (unless they're the right fit) settle on the first person you see. I feel like It's probably a better idea to see individual therapists and I feel generally couples counselling is where there's the higher rate of incompetence. They really aren't suited and able to cope with complex mental health issues especially surrounding trauma.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Someone posted a link illustrating the difference between PSTD and OCD

@joeylittle am I remembering this right? Was it you that posted the link?

 

[joeylittle]

@NoWhereKnowWhere - yep. It was one of the posts lost in the recent database problem.

@VeggieSnap - here it is again. Dead Link Removed

And, because this will be useful reading, after you've read the above: Link Removed

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out how one would come up with a diagnosis of PTSD - related OCD, since such a thing does not exist. And I was reminded that there is also the diagnosis Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder - OCPD
Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder - Wikipedia

As a general rule, people with OCD are aware their behaviors are unhealthy and judge their compulsions negatively. In OCPD, the individual does not see their compulsions so much as a problem, as they view them as acceptable, justified, and even aspirational.

Personality disorders are often considered to be (generally) formed in adolescence, and certain of them can have a relationship to trauma in the developmental years. So, that would be the very tenuous connection between the notion of obsessive-compulsiveness, and PTSD - a connection made through the personality disorder rubric.

If I'm remembering correctly, your wife believes she's had four trauma events as far as she's told you, and only one of them meets the criteria for PTSD - the car accident in adulthood. She may not have told you everything - she could have early trauma - or, there could be something else in her past that she has discounted, that is affecting her. It's impossible to know, really, unless she tells you.

Her past 2 relationships failed because of couples therapy

No, that's not quite how it works. The therapist may have been not-so-good, but when couples break up it is not the therapists' fault.

She had to see 2 psychiatrists to diagnose her condition, and the last tool of a therapist was not successful with her.

Sometimes, we just can't do the work until we are really ready. But also - as others have said - getting a good fit is hard, and the more recalcitrant the sufferer is, the more difficult it will be for them to feel good about the match. And, there are many different therapeutic modalities, and then styles within those. I doubt she's had comprehensive experience with the various kinds of therapy that could help her. And it does sound like she needs help.

From all I've read, the kind of extreme fears she has about cleanliness, whether they are OCD, ODPD, or phobia, don't go away on their own over time. Intervention is required. PTSD doesn't go away on its own either (if it is actually relevant to her diagnosis). I hope she can reconsider her stance against therapy, and try again.