General PTSD - Relationship Deal Breakers

[StarChild]

and I have no interest living that way for the rest of my life. I'm not going to apologize for wanting to love and be loved.

@Ketamine Dreams What kind of love do you mean exactly? Could please be more clear? What do you miss? Is it hugging or lay in bed together and snuggle while talking to each other or is it simply sex you want from her?

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

@Ketamine Dreams What kind of love do you mean exactly? Could please be more clear? What do you miss? Is it hugging or lay in bed together and snuggle while talking to each other or is it simply sex you want from her?

It's not simply sex. It's intimacy: emotional and physical. It's being together, hanging out and doing things together. It's verbally sharing what is going on in your life, and showing an interest in what's happening in the other person's life. It's physical intimacy, being close, holding hands, hugging, kissing and sex. It has to include all of these aspects. She can 'be around' me, but be as distant as if she was on the moon. It's not just sex that gives her problems.

 

[Hashi]

f Even if it was only sex, why isn't that a valid deal breaker? Is there a list somewhere of what a supporter has to sign up to accept?

Obviously I'm not speaking for @Ketamine Dreams because that's for him to do, and he has. This is a general point from my own point of view (as a sufferer) reading this thread.

I'm surprised by responses here. What anyone wants from a relationship is what they want. No-one should be expected to be a saint, or a psychiatric nurse, or someone they aren't - just because the other person has PTSD.

If a supporter has a relationship deal breaker that isn't met, whether that's sex or anything else, I think they have every right to head off. Why not?

 

[StarChild]

@Ketamine Dreams, yes I now understand better and can relate to what you describe as intimacy. Was all you mention there in the beginning of your partnership / marriage? Is your wife in a trauma therapy? And you, what possibilities do you have to take care of yourself? I don't ask because of curiosity, but to get a better understanding of your personal situation. Feel free not to answer, if you're not comfortable with the questions.

 

[ISupportHer]

I do kind of agree with Hashi in that we all have our own decision to make as far as how much we can take and what we are willing to live with. Yes, it could be a deal breaker. My primary point is that I won't (MY opinion) force my needs onto someone else, especially when it can have negative consequences.

So, in MY case, I don't push. And frankly, when I am honest with myself, for a while I was pushing for sexual contact since there was no other intimacy like hand holding, even sitting side by side. At it's acute phase, even a touch from behind caused a startle response from my wife and she'd pull away.

But yes, if any relationship is not fulfilling, then there is no relationship really. We each have to decide what we are willing to accept.

KD, again, I don't know your details but mine is a long term marriage. I can readily see that someone in a different circumstance may have different goals.

I do stand by my thoughts about sex being on the sufferers terms, however. If and when they are ready.

 

[Caterpillar]

I was in a supporter role to a partner with severe, unmanaged PTSD years ago. The reason I left him was because of the pushing away/isolating. I know this is extremely common in PTSD and that most people would consider other things he did to me "worse", but being knocked around a little doesn't hurt me emotionally. Being ignored and shut out and rejected does. That was my personal line and I'm not sorry I drew it or that I let him do other things that upset other people.

I now feel the temptation in myself to pull away from my fiance when I'm not doing well. It's the one thing I won't let myself do, though. I'm not a hypocrite.

 

[amethist]

If she is just in the beginning of PTSD, then it will be hard. But as time goes on it can and does get better.

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

My wife and I have been married for > 12 years. She was not affected by PTSD when we met. It emerged 4 years ago after a triggering event activated old memories. She sees a psychiatrist, and a therapist. We see a therapist together, and I see one by myself. We have kids, which changes the dynamics.

 

[LadyAnne92]

This definitely pertains to my situation...I am currently in that phase where I'm contemplating whether or not to go or stay. There has been abuse, and for some reason I have pushed through it (not sure if this is bad for him or not...it's definitely bad for me). However, I do feel that he has a greater chance of reaching healing with a supportive and loving person by his side. Therefore, I have decided that my deal breaker would be a refusal to get help on his part. And obviously, I couldn't stick around and tolerate physical abuse, and would totally call the police and get him hauled off if that happened.

I recognize that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can snap out of their denial and realize that they absolutely must turn their situation around. For my boyfriend, the catalyst in making that happen just might be me leaving.

 

[LadyAnne92]

Also, @Ketamine Dreams , I can very much relate to you having an issue with the lack of intimacy. If it were just the lack of sex, it would be one thing...but our norm is touching twice a day: before he leaves for work, and when he gets home. It is merely a hug and a peck on the lips each time. He never asks how I am doing, he never responds to my sweet, romantic words, and when we get into bed at night, he doesn't so much as touch me. We lay down on our opposite sides of the bed and fall asleep. What's more, he acts as if I am the abnormal one for wanting more than this. It is very hard, because I feel that it is all of these little sweet things that make a relationship into more than just roommate status.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Deal breakers: my walk with Christ on what I am supposed to be and telling people I have PTSD when they ask. I shock the h*ll out of people but you know, I'm not going to lie about my situation. It's their problem and I have to deal with my own.

 

[sonic b]

It's not simply sex. It's intimacy: emotional and physical. It's being together, hanging out and doing things together. It's verbally sharing what is going on in your life, and showing an interest in what's happening in the other person's life. It's physical intimacy, being close, holding hands, hugging, kissing and sex. It has to include all of these aspects.

You've nailed it. I've never felt so alone while living with/married to someone as I have with my wife.