Ptsd Sufferer Acting Out Sexually Needs Help Badly

[Owug]

Don't know how to start this...so here it goes: I guess I can start off by saying I've gone completely astray in my life and need help pretty badly. Not to say that it's ever been a good, happy life at all either tho.

All my life I've been numb and couldn't feel my body at all, but I only now realize this after decades of being alive. The only thing that seemed to allow me to feel something, anything! was and still is sex and masturbation. I've only now come to realize I use it as a crutch and sexually act out whenever I'm triggered by stressful situations (to appease my fragile self). I also think I use it as a way of shaming my immediate family, as sort of a revenge for all their neglect and abuse in my past.

I was always oversexed. I used to do sexual things to myself even back when I hadn't even heard the word "masturbation" or knew what intercourse was (at 4 or 5 years old). This has led me to believed I was abused sexually when I was very young but can't remember it.

As of now, my life is in shambles from this sexual acting out and I can't control myself cause I dissociate so much and I have such low self-awareness and feeling, that I can't even fully tell when I'm doing these disgusting things. I hate knowing that I'm a worthless creep, but how can I even fight the urges if I am not even aware of when or how they're gonna happen?! I'm at a loss here.

I realize fully that my gross self-indulgence and abuse of something that is not inherently bad (masturbation) have put me where I am, but I also feel like part of this is not really completely my fault. I mean, my dad whether he wants to admit it or not was also a creep and a twisted person and children learn from example and not only was he like that, but he also abused me psychologically and emotionally. I can't be sure if it was him or someone else that might have abused me sexually too tho.

I can't leave behind the many traumatic events in my life either. The main one was being brutally raped about 14 years ago, by someone I trusted and admired. And that's only the tip of my "trauma" iceberg. Major PTSD is something I deal with daily, as most of you here do too. I've read that PTSD sufferers tend to have addictions and act out sexually sometimes too.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not washing off the blame from myself completely. I do know that I've made many, countless mistakes and continue to do so, but how can one be expected to make good, healthy choices when your family, society, trauma and so many other factors have shaped you into this disgusting, weak, numb, stupid human being?!

I try, I do try and try my damned hardest to get better, to leave it all behind, to heal, to find out why I act this way, and I am getting closer every day to the real reasons for my issues and compulsions, but it's hard to live in a world where people throw so much hatred at you for this, judge you with one single look and dismiss you and throw you away as the worst f*cking pervert that has walked the earth, who should probably be put to death immediately, without even so much as thinking for one second that this creep they are seeing is nothing more than a very troubled, disturbed, weak, ill individual who is in a great deal of pain, who lives with constant self-hatred and fear and dysfunction and who mostly deserves just pure pity.

I realize we all have problems, all of us, and all of you out there have had severe trauma happen to you, yet you aren't running around making masturbatory motions when stressed and triggered. But everyone experiences trauma differently. Everyone reacts differently and has different ways to cope and self-soothe and tolerate PTSD and all the turmoil and chaos it brings.

So please, I ask you to put your natural judgement aside for a lil bit (even if deep down you do think I don't deserve to live and I'm a waste of skin and you wish you could kill me), and maybe give me some advice on how to gain some self-control, how to heal the pain and terror of my raping, how to gain a bit of self-esteem cause right now I f*cking hate myself, hate everything, everyone, can't trust or love a living soul, and I am sure I might end up killing myself if things don't change someday soon.

To those of you who don't think I'm trying to change, here's what I'm currently doing to better myself and my life: 1. Exercising every day so I can use up at least some of the energy I have and have less of it for sexual acting out. 2. Reading " Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and have "Waking the Tiger" on queue. 3. Eating healthy so I can lose weight and have better self-esteem. 4. Listening to the audiobook: "The Willpower Instinct" which seems like it might help me a lot. 5. Doing extensive reading on the forums so I can decipher the hows and whys of my behavior. 6. Doing my best to cut down masturbation and porn. I've only done it once a day for years anyway, which by today's standards for males is not that bad, yet I still act out.

That's all I'm doing. I might be over reaching tho. But hey, it's better than the self-indulgence hole I was stuck in all my life! Thanks reading this far.

 

[Cupeg]

No judgement here and I can feel your pain. As part of your plan, have you considered therapy? It sounds like you have significant trauma issues to work through and the sexual acting out is a coping strategy that you have identified as wanting to change. It is difficult to change coping strategies that are really entrenched without help and learning new healthier strategies, and there is also the need to process the trauma and understand how it has effected you, then start to rewire your thinking.

Remember that PTSD is an illness/injury, keep reaching out for help.

 

[Ruhezu]

No judgement here either. I think you have a lot of courage to face this like you are.

When I went to a trauma and compulsive behaviors treatment center, there were a number of patients with exactly the same kind of problem as you describe. My own compulsive behavior is different, but no worse, no better. There are lots of ways people try to cope with the pain of the awful things we went through.

Processing the trauma with somatic therapy has radically changed the drive behind my compulsive behaviors. I don't feel the same "need" to do the behavior anymore when I'm stressed. It's not really even a draw or temptation anymore. Until I was ready to do somatic therapy, I did lots of CBT style therapy.

Based on what you said about "throwing away the key," and some of the other things you write, it's my guess that you might be have gotten into some kind of legal trouble related to this behavior. My guess is that maybe you dissociated and acted this out in a not-so-private manner. Right or wrong, I'm very glad you are reaching out for help either way. You are right that society tends to judge and throw away the key, and shys away from actually helping people who sexually act out or heal from underlying traumas that may be fueling the behavior. I hope that changes someday, but don't give up!

 

[Ijo]

When I went to a trauma and compulsive behaviors treatment center, there were a number of patients with exactly the same kind of problem as you describe.

I wish we had a center like those here. I'd go in a flash, but sadly there's nothing like that. I would be interested in finding such a center even if it's in the United States. I'm willing to travel and do whatever it takes to make this go away. If this weren't an anonymous forum, I'd private message you and ask you were this center is. I'll just do a google search and see what comes up.

Processing the trauma with somatic therapy has radically changed the drive behind my compulsive behaviors.

I am actively looking for somatic therapy centers or practitioners here at the moment. I found one in my city a few minutes ago online, but I have yet to call them cuase it's only 8am on a Saturday here, so I have to be patient and call within office hours. I'll ask them if they can do the therapy at my home, as it would be too hard to go to them. I really hope they can. I'm more than willing to pay extra if need be.

it's my guess that you might be have gotten into some kind of legal trouble related to this behavior. My guess is that maybe you dissociated and acted this out in a not-so-private manner.

Luckily I've never been arrested or even stopped by police or anyone else. I do act out in public as those are my most stressful times but this lack of self-control is exactly why I almost never get out. I choose to spare myself the shame and mockery from others, and the hatred they throw at me by just staying home as much as possible. Even talking on the phone has become difficult now, cause my paranoia gets the best of me.

Even if police did stop me, it's not like I am pulling out my stuff and doing all that in public literally either. I can't be sure, as I dissociate fully when I do this, but I think at the most it's my body and how it becomes twisted and some sort masturbation related motion that I do, that grab all that negative attention from others when I'm out. And rightfully so I might add. I realize it's disgusting and wrong to behave this way.

don't give up!

Thanks a lot for your support and for not judging me (yours too Cupeg!). I won't give up until I'm free of this sickness and can finally live a happy, normal, fulfilling life. I may never fully recover from the trauma, but I can certainly improve my self-control and social skills, which in turn will bring a lot more peace and joy to my life.

 

[Lokocom]

You use a lot of really extreme language... Worst pervert to ever walk the streets, even if deep down you think i don't deserve to live, etc.

Are you raping kids, here?

 

[Unahe]

No, I have never hurt anyone like that or any other way with my sexual issues at all. I'm sure you're not the only one thinking that either, so thanks for the opportunity to clarify.

 

[Sedem]

Step one then might be to alter where you place yourself on the scale of very bad things. Pedophiles, babyrapers, rapists... The millions of them out there are all worse than you. Even assuming you're on the "bad" list, whatsoever.

Personally, sex isn't on my "bad" list... Although I do realize that there are religions which consider sex outside of marriage to be a sin... And I'm not trying to put anyone's faith down.

It is on my list of "potentially dangerous" things... STIs, pregnancy, bad relationships... These a potentially life altering things in very dangerous ways.

It's also on my "I'm not doing very well" list.

But it's not on my "Bad List".

 

[Ucit]

You're right, that's something I hadn't considered. I just feel so awful when I realize what I do (usually after the fact, making it impossible to stop myself during the episode which only lasts a handful of seconds from what I can gather) and I know I bring so much shame to those close to me, that I end up thinking I'm the worst scum. But it's true, the fact that I have never, and never would hurt anyone other than myself, is a sign that I'm not as bad as I and others think. Not saying I'm a winderful person either mind you, but I do gend to judge myself very harshly.