PTSD Triggered When Friend Dumped Me

[goldiesb]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here. Been through years and years of childhood sexual abuse, a mom that was cold and unloving and a dad with rage. Been through many years of therapy and just as many therapists. Worked on lots of issues. BUT still dealing with this f'd up PTSD.

So I have this friend who dumped me last week. Actually she deleted me on face-book, just wiped me out.. threw me out like trash.

So I am angry at myself that I let myself be bffs with her, when she obviously isn't a caring person or someone who would be good for me. I've been friends with her for three years. I am shocked at her behaviour.

And I am so so sad that I was just deleted like that, for no good reason (it was some small little tiff). But we are all in the same circle of friends and we see each other everyday at the gym. We go to the same girls nights out together and to lunch etc together. So I am the only one who she deleted, she is still friends with everyone else.

My PTSD is just triggered like mad. My heart is racing I'm having obsessive thoughts, I feel angry, victimised, defeated, and just plain crazy. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do.

I can't stop with the excessive thoughts. I mean, if she wasn't a true friend I guess she did me a favour by deleting me. But I saw her at the gym, and my heart started racing and I jumped off the machine and ran.

What I want to know is.. how do I handle this situation, how do I deal with the obsessive thoughts and my fight or flight response. I am so so so upset! I know it's not an earth shattering situation but my PTSD is making me feel like this is the end of the world.

WWYD?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

G

 

[goldiesb]

Also I'm so anxious about it I almost feel numb.. help!

 

[amethist]

Hi goldiesb

Welcome to the forum.

This may not help much, but being dumped on face-book is not unusual. What is unusual, is a friend you have know for a while and see daily doing it this way. Maybe someone else in this circle of friends could help you out with this, maybe they know why and would be prepared to tell you her reason for this. She is definitely not a true friend, as true friends would never do this, in my opinion.

It may not be earth shattering to most people, but throw PTSD into the mix and the anxiety levels can escalate. You ask "What would we do", maybe others could answer this one easier, as being a carer, I would probably have a different view of it. But I myself just ignore her from now on if possible, not letting her see how much this has effected me. Her loss not mine, type of thing.

What ever happens, how ever you deal with it, there are many members on here who will fully understand how this has upset you so much. They wil offer their own thought and ideas as soon as they read this.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[Jawn]

Hi goldiesb,

I have a friend who did something similar to me. Actually, she's done it a few times now. For her, she will take some little thing I say the wrong way and BAM! She deletes me. The 1st time or 2 I waited a couple of days and then said "I'm sorry". That always guilt-ed her into telling me what was wrong and why she did it. Some of the time she had no rational thinking behind her behavior. It was just a reaction to something I said. I'm not sure why she does this, but I told her finally that if she deletes me again, then "bye bye" 'cause I won't add her back to my friends list. You know what? She deleted me again and at this point we have no contact. While I miss her, clearly whatever is "really" going on is her issue and I can't really help it. So I am just focusing on me and my situation with my wife. At some point my friend and I may cross paths again, but maybe not. In my Not so humble opinion, it's her loss. Sad to say, I have known her for almost 40 yrs although we were out of touch for a long time until she showed up on FB.

Any way, enough rambling. I tend to view things much like Amethist because I am a carer too. Maybe other sufferers will have better advice for you.

Jawn

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Welcome Goldiesb!

Ouch, Ouch, Ouch... that's gotta hurt...

I'm sorry she did that to you.
I think that's a big problem for many now that social networks, email, etc... has taken the place of face-to-face communicating.
There can be great benefits resulting from the technology (like this forum), but it also has permitted a lot of gaspingly rude behavior, as well.
I've even heard of people getting fired from their jobs via email! Can you believe it?
You're not alone at being unfriended for tiny annoyances or mis-communication that, in the past, might have been settled amicably in person.
All still might not be lost, but if you wish to remain friends with her, you cannot react defensively and respond to her while still panicking.

If it happened to me, I'd give myself some breathing space and soothing, calming techniques to settle and get my footing back. (I also use women's best friend: chocolate and a funny movie.) (Music, flowers, a walk outside, reading, petting animals, etc.... whatever you love to do that's healthy, definitely now is the time to do it!)

There might be a silver lining, even if your friend doesn't end up wanting to re-friend you... look at all the friends you've got here, now! You might not have found us if she hadn't pulled this dopey act.

Whatever happens, you're really ok. Don't think the worst-case scenario, you're not being eaten by wolves, you're breathing and alive and you've got friends here. I suspect that even the other gals in the group will realize that she treated you in a rotten way, and while not speaking up, they still might not be negatively influenced by her actions (or even nasty gossip) toward you. Keep to the high path, don't burn any bridges like she tried to do, or be vindictive, and hopefully you will regain the friendship - if not, she isn't your best friend.

Just don't let her make you feel inferior - you're not. You're not a child, you're an adult now; so she's not going to have power over you the way your Mom and Dad had, when you were little. You'll be ok. It'll be ok. Running away is ok for the moment, but you won't need to keep doing it. You'll get your thinking, calm brain back. In the meantime, please nurture yourself. You need it, you deserve it, you are irreplaceable, you are priceless, and you deserve care, nurturing, (chocolate :-) and whatever else you need to get healthy and regain some peace and comfort.

This doesn't answer your dilemma fully, but first you've got to rest and receive nurturing and care to ease the immediate pain and distress.

Sending caring wishes,
deer_in_headlights

 

[goldiesb]

oh wow, I love all the good kind words and encouragement. I feel like I'm going crazy. My heart is beating fast fast fast and my eyes are bulging..and I can't stop thinking about it... it's just playing over and over again in my head. I DON'T like conflict and I just want to be liked!! She was like a sister to me. Not just a casual friend. I'm 39 for goodness sake, we are grown women we should be able to work things out. I didn't even do anything to this person. I am so confused. I know I can't own her insanity but I am. I feel responsible. I hate that feeling. I am not responsible for her crazy behavior.. you don't just cut people out of your life like a cancer for no reason..unless you are totally crazy. But It's making ME crazy!! Wtf!? Is this just PTSD flared up.. or what, I'm so confused.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi goldiesb,

Have you learned how to get present in therapy?
Please try to read each word out loud, slowly, and try:

Breathe Hon... slow, gentle, just be aware of your breath as it goes in and out... just feel the air come into your lungs, gently, and gently release it... put your hand over your heart... Feel the warmth of your hand... let the warmth gently penetrate.... see yourself on a swing, gently moving up and down.... match your heart to the swing, gently, easy.... easy hon... breathe easy.... easy.... you're safe, you don't need to figure out the answers tonight... just easy, easy... Look around you... what do you notice... what colors do you see... what do you hear.... what do you smell.... easy... just on this level.... easy, you're safe... peace needs to come into your heart before answers can come into your head....
warmly,
deer

 

[goldiesb]

I think I'm afraid to relax and breathe because then I will want to cry. Thanks so much, I will try it and just let the tears come. :)

 

[goldiesb]

I decided to take a day off from everything.. slept 11 hours.. just chilled.. and it helped tons. I am so grateful to the forum. Feeling supported gave me the "permission" to support myself.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Great work, Goldiesb!!!

That permission slip, from your own heart to you, never expires, either!
What other great things are you doing for yourself, today?

Warmly,
deer

 

[goldiesb]

hi Deer,

I ran today at the gym with friends. a little farther than I normally would I finished some tasks that I left undone because I was so stressed out. And I am planning on going out to dinner with my husband today. Call me an overachiever, but I need to keep the ball rolling to prove to myself that I am "ok!" And doing these today makes me feel like I'm still "in the game".

My biggest fear is that one day this all will take down completely and I'll end up a drooling mess at some mental hospital. I'm a fighter. And I won't be taken down easily. That rest did me a world of good. :o)

G

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Fantastic!
I hope you give yourself a hug/pat on the back... You are doing wonderful things to recover, self-nurture and heal! Great work!!!!

Just please be gentle with yourself and save the fight; no need to burn out your adrenals when you don't need to (something PTSD goads us into).

No fears, no anxiety.... not tonight.... tomorrow is tomorrow; but you're here and doing great and healing things, today.
(You do that everyday and it adds up into a healing and wonderful life.)

I hope your dinner out is great and that you can get some more deep rest tonight.
Proud of you, Hon,
deer