Public Panic In Marijuana Dispensary

[lymphomamama]

Have myself to blame. Should have known it would be busy. Second time in a week I had terror at the marijuana dispensary. Christmas Eve was an edgy visit, really crowded before the holiday but things moved smoothly and the guys I know were working. Stressful, shaky, sweaty but no all out attack.

Went yesterday, the day after holiday. Place wasnt as jammed but was still sro and not one staff member I knew was there. They have you make your order & pay then you stand in line at the pick up window. Somewhere along the way I was forgotten. The pick up line became a crazed mess of high energy men laughing, cussing, and going over their holiday exploits.There were some tatooed gangster types (big trigger) and a fouL smelling fellow with more mental issues than I(!!)

Started to shake & sweat after a few minutes in the shop. So of course the men noticed & started to look at me. That always helps- being stared at when your losing your shit. Fortunately they were getting their orders and moving on and new ones were joining the crowd at the window. I was pinned to the wall. Couldn't move couldn't ask why I wasn't getting my order. Just standing there shaking and now crying. Needed to vomit needed to pee but couldnt move. Needed to scream but my mouth was so dry I couldnt swallow. No one said anything just stared at me and stepped away like they were gonna catch it.

One of the office doors opened and a staff guy I know well came out. So did the tears, the hysteria I felt my bladder letting go. Thank the Gods for Brando because once I saw him I couldnt hold on any more. He got me out of the crowd,got my weed gave me an indica drop to get something in me and got me to the car.My daughter said it had been over an hour. It seemed like the whole morning. She called the manager and despite it being against the rules she will be able to come in with me without having a card,she just cant be right at the order desk or handle the purchase.

More frequent meltdowns. Keeps that cruel cycle going. You know... too scared to go out so you stay home and the more you stay home the scarier it is to go out. As it is the dispensary, T and P are just about the only places I go. So tired after every meltdown. Its exhausting and it wont stop. Sleepy now though (5:23 a.m.) so gonna try for some.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope you feel better soon. Sounds like a traumatic experience for you being at the shop. Did you know that they make deliveries? :hug::hug:

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I'm troubled by the whole concept of you beholden to such an establishment - not because they are cruel or whatever, but because it seems yet another way for you to be tied down in an impossible situation.

I think of just how freeing it would be for you to realize you have the option to deal with your anxieties in a manner that doesn't force you to go through such hell.

Example: I went to visit a young man on an acute psych unit. He'd been in-and-out of such places for several years. When I arrived, he was seated on his bed under a hand-printed sign that read, "I am not responsible for my illness. When my psychiatrist finds the right medication for me, I will get better." Now, while I applaud the professionals for encouraging him with the first statement, I was appalled by the second. This poor guy was literally doing nothing - just sitting in the unit from day to day, year after year - waiting for his psychiatrist to 'make him all better'. The professionals had, I am sure unintentionally, led him to develop an external locus of control; he literally believed he had no power to help himself. In this sense, then, they had done him a disservice.

Like this young man, I hope you realize you have options other than weed. Once you know that, and have some belief that you can manage without it, then you will actually be able to choose whether or not you want to enter the weed shop at all. Just knowing you have other options, and the ability to make it without the weed, could give you a totally different perspective when you do choose to go there. For instance, if you choose to go but then experience extreme anxuety, as you did last time, you could say to yourself, "Hey! I don't have to stay if I don't want to! I have other options!" I suspect this could make a big difference.

Therefore, maybe make a specific effort to master other coping skills? Options are good.

 

[lymphomamama]

I hope you feel better soon. Sounds like a traumatic experience for you being at the shop. Did you know t...

Yes but unfortunately my financial ability to purchase is a waxing and waning thing. I would need to order several days in advance and wait for a Wed. delivery. It is in consideration though if I can work out a financial schedule.

 

[lymphomamama]

I'm troubled by the whole concept of you beholden to such an establishment - not because they ar...

There was a time I was on several other rx meds and with the mmj I've been able to greatly reduce my pharma use. Its more reliable @3a.m. when I'm in full on terror. A puff or two from the vaporizer helps until rx meds kick in. It has made my 911 calls drop dramatically.

I do use cognitive behaviors to try to manage. My favorite and sometimes effective method is the question answer thing. 1)What am I afraid of? 2)Could it be real or in my head? 3a)If I believe its real, what can I do to protect myself?3b) If it may notbe real, how can I ease my fear and feel safer?Depending on the answers I give myself there are other questions and steps totake. (Arethe dogs wired? If not, it may not be real. If they are, these are the steps to take like outside floodlights on, etc)

In public I do similar question/ answer. I recite Pagan prayers, make use of my medicrystal bag. I do a Parkinsons exercise with my fingers & counting that I used on patients. Breathing exercises sometimes help. I need a focus point.

Once the terror gets a grip on me though I can freeze like at the pot shop.Sometimes I run out the door (as much as my gimpy a$$ can run lol). I've had to call someone to come get me. I've been so panicked I've gotten lost in my own town and been in a parking lot crying while someone comes to get me. so now I seldom drive andnever go out alone.For benefit of LEO here I'm getting medicalert bracelet and keyfob. They will appreciate it when I cant cant find words (happens all the time in my orgies of crazy).Some of the veteran officers know me and know the gory details of my history, some worked my case. The younger guys oftenthink I'm a meth head or dangerous crazy so theres a need for explanation when I cant give it.

Im a work in progress. Learning and screwing up every day. My treatment trajectory has been all over the map but my P and T are badass and they keep me working for a good place, even if that place changes from time to time.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I like many of your ideas.

Am glad you're going for the medic alert ID. It can help you feel much safer. I wear a Road ID everywhere I go.

What used to help me the most, whenever I was terrified, was to not argue with myself over my fears but rather directly assess my current situation. So, if I were frightened, I would check for obvious danger:

- Earthquake happening?

- Flood?

- Fire?

- Person with a rifle or other weapon?

- Known perpetrators in the room?

- Are the people around me calm, look like they're feeling safe, or are they frightened, too?

I'd work down my brief checklist. If my answers came up negative, I'd then admit that my current environment was safe, which meant my fears belonged somewhere in the past - certainly not in the present.

This was enough to allow me to realize I was actually safe NO MATTER HOW I WAS FEELING. Such a reality check helped me to slowly back out of my terror.

The more I practised my checklist approach, the easier it got, and I ended up experiencing fewer episodes.

 

[Neverthesame]

Can you put aside a bit of a stash, for days like that?
So if you get overwhelmed by the crowds again, you could just turn right back round and try again later.

I don't use the stuff myself, so if this was a stupid question, that's why. Lol

 

[Gs172003]

I

I like many of your ideas.

Am glad you're going for the medic alert ID. It can help you feel mu...

I need to try that!

 

[lymphomamama]

Can you put aside a bit of a stash, for days like that?
So if you get overwhelmed by the crowds a...

Can be hard to do. I cant afford large amounts of grams at once and the corumption is variable. If things go well I smoke a cpl small bowls a day. Ongoing terror at night can see me go through 2/or three brams. That seems like a lot but its much better than high dose pharma drugs with all those effects. Fortunately I give my husband a cpl of flowers to stash so when I run out there is a bit more to hold me over. Its so much easier on my body and mind ( than rx pharma dependency).

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree that it is better.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Its so much easier on my body and mind ( than rx pharma dependency).

I'm not sure. Psych meds can certainly cause trouble but so can large amounts of pot. I once knew a highly intelligent fellow who became permanently delusional (psychotic) from smoking pot.

I'm not saying pot is worse than meds. I'm just saying, "be careful".

 

[aut555]

I'm troubled by the whole concept of you beholden to such an establishment - not because they ar...

Have to agree here. You have become dependent on this and as a result seem stagnanted in healing. This is a bandage to cover the hurt and pain you feel. It's hard to admit these feelings and covering them up with a temporary high is not working. Can you think about more therapy, and slow w/drawal from the cannabis store? Because clearly you felt overwhelmed with emotions that made you lose control of several body functions. This is said with kindness and postive thoughts that hope you can move forward with healing again.