EvenStrongerNow
Diamond Member
Is there a way to find out if a T is experienced with trauma in pathological relationships without sounding like a crazy person?
I know now that there is a great reason why I trusted my old T with my childhood and not with that. I saw some projection going on in our sessions on her end. I also noticed her getting quite uncomfortable with some things that I said,
For example, when I discussed feeling empathy and compassion for my step father (one of my abusers) finally. I got to a really good place and it was a huge accomplishment. Well, I had said that I felt sorry for him because he is 60 years old, still can't get sober and I said, "When I imagine being 60, I imagine that's a time where you have your family around you and enjoying your grandchildren, but he is very alone and hasn't gotten to do that yet. I feel sorry for him because he may not ever get to if he can't remain sober."
She stirred in her seat, looking quite uncomfortable, and made a disapproving face like I had just shattered her vision of herself. She replied, "Well, I'm 60! That doesn't have to be the vision for people at 60. ....." She said something else, but I didn't hear her because I already knew that I had made her uncomfortable so I hid myself from her. I felt bad. I wanted to tell her that I knew what my step fathers visions of being 60 looked like a long time ago because I remember him having that discussion with me in his earlier days.
There were other things like that.
Also, one time, I felt myself wanting to make some casual chat with her in one session. I didn't ask her for seriously personal information, but I had been talking about how there are a lot of Capricorn birthdays in my family and amongst friends on Facebook. I was joking about how they were killing me, there were so many. We laughed and I asked her when her birthday was. She replied, "February". I said, "Oh cool. February what?"
She stirred and became very uncomfortable and said, "February". I didn't press further. I thought, well it's not like I asked her what year or what her social security number was. And then she had the nerve to tell me that I don't trust her when I wanted to leave her and get another T (someone with more trauma experience though I didn't tell her that was the reason). It seems that she is the one who does not trust me.
I realize I am possibly nitpicking here, but when she wouldn't tell me the day of her birthday, I understand boundaries, but I still felt as though she thought I was some creepy person who if she had told, I might be able to kill her in her sleep.
Anyway. Another time, while I was talking about the abuse in my childhood, she asked me to imagine my step father sitting in the chair next to her. She wanted me to talk to him and tell him how I felt. I tried very hard to, but it was just too difficult for me. I had never done that before. I said, "It's just too weird right now. I'm sorry."
She replied, "It's okay if you think I'm weird." I said, "No. I didn't say you are weird. I said IT'S too weird. I think maybe I can try to do it another time when I feel ready." She completely didn't believe me. She kept pushing saying that she heard me say, "She's weird." I let it go.
Another time, I was having some difficulties with a woman friend of mine who is an ultra feminist (which I respect), but she has done some very passive aggressive things to me. Some very overt things. I shared that with her. Then, I told her about how this friend had said that for Halloween last year, that my husband and I should go as (such and such characters from this one movie). This friend said, "It fits so perfectly. It fits so perfectly that it's ridiculous!"
When I questioned this friend, I don't think she realized that I saw the movie and the characters she was referring to were boyfriend and girlfriend in the movie. The guy is a musician, was completely dismissive of women, treating them like objects and the girl was so oblivious to the abuse that she kept trying to win him over. She changed the color of her hair, had plastic surgery done to try and compete with the busty women he displayed in posters on his wall, etc etc. It goes on. Well, I know this friend. I know how intelligent she is.
When she said, "It fits perfectly!" I knew that can only mean one thing. She views my husband and I as those characters. My husband is a musician and I had plastic surgery done. She didn't believe me when I told her I had it done for me and not for him. And there had been times when I've called her to discuss normal relationship problems with her and she tried to get me to go against my husband.
I wasn't able to discuss the whole thing with my T before she said, "Well, I'm a feminist and I did my dissertation on that stuff. I think it's important that we take a look and see how you view yourself because I think you are misinterpreting your friend and trying to read her mind."
I let her carry on because by this point, I had to hide myself again.
I guess this became more of a vent than a question. If you got this far, I appreciate it. My question in the beginning still stands. I am learning to trust my Intuition more. I do want to find a T who specializes in trauma but also has experience in pathological relationships. I can't just open up about this experience without them knowing about it. I have had re-wounding experiences already because my story is unbelievable, even to me, but it actually happened. Do I just ask a potential T if she/he is familiar with cluster B personality disorders and what victims go through in the aftermath?
I know now that there is a great reason why I trusted my old T with my childhood and not with that. I saw some projection going on in our sessions on her end. I also noticed her getting quite uncomfortable with some things that I said,
For example, when I discussed feeling empathy and compassion for my step father (one of my abusers) finally. I got to a really good place and it was a huge accomplishment. Well, I had said that I felt sorry for him because he is 60 years old, still can't get sober and I said, "When I imagine being 60, I imagine that's a time where you have your family around you and enjoying your grandchildren, but he is very alone and hasn't gotten to do that yet. I feel sorry for him because he may not ever get to if he can't remain sober."
She stirred in her seat, looking quite uncomfortable, and made a disapproving face like I had just shattered her vision of herself. She replied, "Well, I'm 60! That doesn't have to be the vision for people at 60. ....." She said something else, but I didn't hear her because I already knew that I had made her uncomfortable so I hid myself from her. I felt bad. I wanted to tell her that I knew what my step fathers visions of being 60 looked like a long time ago because I remember him having that discussion with me in his earlier days.
There were other things like that.
Also, one time, I felt myself wanting to make some casual chat with her in one session. I didn't ask her for seriously personal information, but I had been talking about how there are a lot of Capricorn birthdays in my family and amongst friends on Facebook. I was joking about how they were killing me, there were so many. We laughed and I asked her when her birthday was. She replied, "February". I said, "Oh cool. February what?"
She stirred and became very uncomfortable and said, "February". I didn't press further. I thought, well it's not like I asked her what year or what her social security number was. And then she had the nerve to tell me that I don't trust her when I wanted to leave her and get another T (someone with more trauma experience though I didn't tell her that was the reason). It seems that she is the one who does not trust me.
I realize I am possibly nitpicking here, but when she wouldn't tell me the day of her birthday, I understand boundaries, but I still felt as though she thought I was some creepy person who if she had told, I might be able to kill her in her sleep.
Anyway. Another time, while I was talking about the abuse in my childhood, she asked me to imagine my step father sitting in the chair next to her. She wanted me to talk to him and tell him how I felt. I tried very hard to, but it was just too difficult for me. I had never done that before. I said, "It's just too weird right now. I'm sorry."
She replied, "It's okay if you think I'm weird." I said, "No. I didn't say you are weird. I said IT'S too weird. I think maybe I can try to do it another time when I feel ready." She completely didn't believe me. She kept pushing saying that she heard me say, "She's weird." I let it go.
Another time, I was having some difficulties with a woman friend of mine who is an ultra feminist (which I respect), but she has done some very passive aggressive things to me. Some very overt things. I shared that with her. Then, I told her about how this friend had said that for Halloween last year, that my husband and I should go as (such and such characters from this one movie). This friend said, "It fits so perfectly. It fits so perfectly that it's ridiculous!"
When I questioned this friend, I don't think she realized that I saw the movie and the characters she was referring to were boyfriend and girlfriend in the movie. The guy is a musician, was completely dismissive of women, treating them like objects and the girl was so oblivious to the abuse that she kept trying to win him over. She changed the color of her hair, had plastic surgery done to try and compete with the busty women he displayed in posters on his wall, etc etc. It goes on. Well, I know this friend. I know how intelligent she is.
When she said, "It fits perfectly!" I knew that can only mean one thing. She views my husband and I as those characters. My husband is a musician and I had plastic surgery done. She didn't believe me when I told her I had it done for me and not for him. And there had been times when I've called her to discuss normal relationship problems with her and she tried to get me to go against my husband.
I wasn't able to discuss the whole thing with my T before she said, "Well, I'm a feminist and I did my dissertation on that stuff. I think it's important that we take a look and see how you view yourself because I think you are misinterpreting your friend and trying to read her mind."
I let her carry on because by this point, I had to hide myself again.
I guess this became more of a vent than a question. If you got this far, I appreciate it. My question in the beginning still stands. I am learning to trust my Intuition more. I do want to find a T who specializes in trauma but also has experience in pathological relationships. I can't just open up about this experience without them knowing about it. I have had re-wounding experiences already because my story is unbelievable, even to me, but it actually happened. Do I just ask a potential T if she/he is familiar with cluster B personality disorders and what victims go through in the aftermath?
