Question For Survivors Of Child Abuse

[helena]

For survivors of child abuse, when you found the courage to tell your partners/carers what was the best way for them to help you through it?

 

[becvan]

For me there is no courage involved, it is just reality and how it is. The most helpful thing is for partners to keep their nose out of it. Do not tell me I should try to mend things with this parent or shouldn't talk to that parent. I really hate being told what to do by someone who doesn't have a freaking clue. Be supportive of the boundaries in place and decisions made by the survivor. Treat and look at us the same not as some broken thing that must be handled with care or put back together.

bec

 

[helena]

I didn't want to write a lot about this because I feel I am betraying him (even though it is anonymous)

It took a lot of courage for him - it was hard and I am so scared I will mess up. It was a bad, ugly story and I am holding my emotions in check because I know I have to but I don't know what to do. This has taken him 30 years to talk about

 

[CCurry]

Oh Helena, I'm sorry to hear this...this certainly adds another element to his ptsd! I don't know what to say other than I think he was brave to open up....I know that with my own childhood molestation it took me an incredible long time to speak out and it seemed that once I said the words out loud it became more real and with that came a flood of emotion. I'm thinking of you both.

Like Becvan said I wouldn't be encouraging him to mend any fences (if there is any to mend). My decision is not to have anything to do with my molester which makes holiday time difficult as I chose not to even see him but that's my decision and my partner has my back 100 percent in how I feel about this.

Hugs,
C.

 

[Pixie]

Helena, just being there to listen to him when he wants to talk and wants to tell you is a huge thing but at the same time, it is important now that you also have support in your life.

As bec said, try to look at him as the same person and respect his boundaries and decisions. Make sure you have your own boundaries in place also and enforce those.

I'm not sure how he is reacting to having disclosed, but in my own experience the time after disclosure can be very rocky indeed. Guilt and shame spike to sky high levels and the need to hide away and isolate is huge. He may or may not do this. He may in fact feel closer to you for you simply having listened to him and believed him.

*hugs* hun... you are doing really well.

Rell

 

[Sasha]

Hi Helena, This must be very difficult for both of you. You are being really supportive and I hope both of you do well and it is a time of healing.

Up to this point in my life, I have not yet discussed any details of my own history with anyone (except the PD decades ago), including my husband and therapist because of the terrible feelings of shame that I am flooded with - and it is really hard to shake. It is going to be a very slow process.

 

[Grainne]

Helena,

Wow. Good for him..and good for YOU! Don't worry too much about how to 'handle' this new information. In my experience, the worst part is in the telling. You obviously support him very well already or he would likely never have felt comfortable enough to share that with you in the first place.

I'll echo what Rell said - disclosure can sometimes lead to a difficult period of adjustment. Support him as you do, let him know nothing about the way you look at him has changed and be proud of yourself, and of him.

Grainne

 

[2quilt]

I told my husband a little bit before we got married, and as time went on, more details and finally, in the last month, I wrote a description of what happened during one hour of my life as a child, gory details and all and he read it. I just made a small comment (3 words total) and went silent after that. It's difficult for some people to show support or say the "right" thing. He loves me, but he didn't know how to help me. That's why I have 2 psychologists, a psychiatrist, medications, this forum and a local support group. Everyone's on speed dial if I have a meltdown. I ask for help from many sources because my husband does not know what to say to me or how to be supportive during a meltdown. He can't give me something he does not have. That does not mean that he doesn't love me.

 

[suzie q]

My husband and I both have had traumatic childhoods. When I told him of my child sexual abuse, I felt like he had the right to know this information if he wanted to continue our relationship(we were just dating at the time.) His response was silence and lots of hugs and kisses. He knew how to comfort me and understood child abuse himself. After our marriage he respected my boundaries with my family. My perpetrator was a family member. He never crossed the line to argue or encourage. When I would freak out or have symptoms he would ask what he could do for me and if I said nothing he would give me space until I said I needed him. When I thought I had gone completely crazy, he would lead me to a group of possibilities for help and support.

There have been times that I have been triggered either by him or a circumstance, but when I point that out, he is ready to listen and asks what I need. He is not around for my beckon call and does stay away when I have anger outbursts, but I believe he couldn't be doing any better than what he is giving now...unconditional love and a sincere interest in helping me through the tough spots. I only pray I am giving him the same in his symptoms.

 

[helena]

Thank you all for the replies.

One thing I am not sure what to do about is when he then talks about the abuser(s) but tries to justify him and what he did. I understand why that happens but I am not sure if I should challenge it each and every time rather than let it go.

His emotions are raw right now so am just not doing anything or saying anything that could trigger him into an episode but as the days go by do you think I should be challenging this so that he doesn't slip back into denial and justification. The person and the bystanders are nearly all dead and the ones living are out of his life so I feel it is safe for him to finally be able to acknowledge the rotten, evil scum that they were.

I feel like this is the breakthrough we have been waiting for. I always knew there was more to his story and that was why he was trying to bury it with booze. His eyes are still haunted but there is a change about him. I asked him if he felt the burden had been lifted slighlty and he said that it had and he was glad he told me.

I know this is just the beginning but at least we are now on the road.

Thanks again to all of you

 

[Pixie]

I think it is wonderful that you are willing to share with him and be there for him and be so supportive.

I would suggest to start by gently reminding him that it is THEIR fault and not his when he tries to justify their actions and do this by reminding him that he was a child and they were an adult. He will need many many many reminders before this will sink in. It simply takes time to be able to accept but being able to constantly be reminded of this by you will help. He may resist the idea strongly at first but watch out for when the penny drops. One of the most dangerous times I had during my journey was when I started to let go of the guilt and acknowledge what was done because the guilt covers over the feelings of intense hopelessness that a child victim feels. The guilt, in one sense, is more bearable than the feeling of utter hopelessness and pain of acknowledging that we were used in such a manner. The guilt we hold on to strongly because if WE are to blame or even partially to blame, then we weren't "helpless" and without hope...

It may take years before he can finally begin to let the guilt go... but it could happen quickly. This is a very individual thing but I am glad that you are with him and that yes, you are on the road. :smile:

Rell

 

[Grainne]

I was going to add something, but Pixie said everything I wanted to say so well...I have no need. :)

When the understanding first dawned for me, that my abusers were the ones responsible for their own actions, I pretty much fell apart....it was very hard to face. What helped me the most was when my therapist (and husband) reminded me, over and over, that I was just a little girl. My T actually had me bring in photos...we looked at her, that little thing with huge sad brown eyes...so scared. How was SHE to stop the abuse? Her caretakers were the ones who were hurting her... I don't know why, but being forced to see that, whether I wanted to or not, really helped.

Thinking of you
Grainne