Question For Survivors Of Child Abuse

[onebravegirl]

I have had a few significant people that I have confided in. Their reactions were I'd say "Dis-satisfactory" and this hurt me for some time. But as I grew older and wiser I realized that their reactions were based on shock and an inability to know how to respond perfectly.

It is very unfair in my opinion to expect a perfect response from someone who has Hopfully never experienced the traumas we have. How can they possibly relate?

Finally I did find someone who did give me the response I had longes for. It was my Husband. He said "What happened to you was so wrong. It was not your fault what so ever. You did not deserve this. I wish i could take your pain for you. I hate what happened to you and I hate the people who hurt you. I will do everything I can to help you feel safe, loved and protected. I love you, just the way you are, scars and all."
O

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Helena-

First, I am so sorry that you both are dealing with this.

My current husband was the first person I EVER told about my child sexual abuse. I believe we were living together at the time and engaged. I got triggered and finally broke down and told him. Gradually over the years (19 years married now) I have disclosed bits and pieces here and there but he still doesn't know all of the details. I certainly disclose more to my T than him. Part of it is I want to "protect" him, and part of it is the fear of putting that much out there.

As far as him making excuses for his abuser or trying to take up for him, as children we are taught that our elders are right and we are to listen to them. Sometimes, it takes quite awhile to come out of that way of thinking and acknowledge (to ourselves) that we were truly mistreated and not protected and there is no excuse. Plus it's hard to think of your parent(s) as evil - denial and making excuses for them can be much easier. I would just remind him (gently) that none of this is HIS fault and leave it there. Let his T work with him directly on putting the blame were it belongs.

Your support will come through in many ways, being there when he wants to talk about it, being there when he is down, being a consistent positive force in his life - all of these things will help him more than you can imagine.

 

[helena]

Thank you all for your advice and sharing your own experiences.

I really appreciate it and it has helped me a lot.

 

[Turtle]

I thought I might throw my 2 (ok based on how long it got, maybe a little more) cents in as well.

First, both of you are very strong, him for being able to tell you, and you for being so caring towards him that you'll come here and do what you can to help him!

There's no 'right' answer for everyone. He trusts you enough to tell you what happened, when I did it it was a huge step for me, even when I treated it as a conversation just about the facts of what happened. I believe my carer still describes that conversation as 'a CIA agent would have showed more emotion' lol but it's a personal coping mechanism for me to separate what happened in the past to who I am now when I talk about it and he understands that. Now I cry constantly around him when things are bad because I feel safe enough to do so.

That being said (sorry I get off topic easily, for me when I give my opinion I feel people should have background info/context for whatever I'm saying), there were a few things that helped me.

He let me talk when I needed, and would be patient and listen no matter how many times I've told him the same thing he listened as if it was the first time. And was very supporting afterwards. He always says "thank you for telling me" since he knows it's really hard for me to open up that part of my world to him, and then lots of hugs until I'm feeling better.

He challanges me everytime I say things are my fault. He won't let me feel like I deserved any of this, or that I'm the one responsible. He also doesn't try to explain why it happened to me (one question I always repeat, 'if I didn't deserve this then why did it happen?' and his response is 'you don't deserve this and I don't know why it happened only they can tell you why they acted the way they did').

He also knows he can't be my therapist (he was hit as a child so understands some of my feelings and where they are coming from). But if we get to a spot while talking that's over his head, he'll say something like 'that's interesting, how about you talk to your T about it, maybe they'll help you understand it more". And he's very supportive about me going to therapy, without pushing me on it. Like when I say I've had a good day at therapy, he'll congratulate me, and tell me how proud he is that I'm helping myself to heal. And when I have a bad day, he says how proud he is of how far I've come, and can't wait to see how far I'll go.

At least for me it's not about saying the 'right' things at the right time, but all of the little things that he does to show he supports and cares for me very much and wants the best for me. Seeing that I have a 'good guy' in my life who cares very much for me now really helps me.