Questions About My PTSD

[KrisMC]

Hi, my name is Kristin and I am new to this site. I have had PTSD for years, started about 22 years ago, I have been through about 15 years of counseling and the last 6 years I have not suffered from PTSD. Now this past month I am having panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety issues, anger/confusion/paranoia issues, etc. I am also noticing that I keep doing this combination thing of the past and the present. It feels like I am reliving the trauma emotionally as if it were now but mentally I am aware that the trauma(s) isn't happening now. Not sure what triggered all this and why it came back.

Has anyone else had this combo of reliving the past and present at the same time? What is it? I haven't done that this way before...it was always flashbacks (memory) not this eminent feeling that it is happening now. I am starting to freak out over it.

Also has anyone had their PTSD go away for years and then come back all of a sudden? This confuses me. I was hoping since everyone here is going through or has gone through similar problems, that someone may have experienced this also.

I appreciate any thoughts on this. Thank you - Kristin

 

[onlybygrace]

Welcome...You'll find a lot of support here and understanding and that you are not alone. From my own experience and what I know about flashbacks, what you are describing is a classic flashback, the reliving the experience and yet aware that you are here in the present. I suffer from Complex ptsd and the majority of the "classic" ptsd that most people are famliar with occured for several years in one long segment of my life. I am sure if you start journaling, you'll be able to start piecing what is going on. I am a strong believer in journaling. It gives you perspective and a way to "step back" and observe with more clarity. I find that sometimes I'll journal what seems vague or a mystery and then later on as I re-read or work through something, the meaning or understanding falls into my lap, like an epiphany. I do have periods of increased symptoms because of working something through or if I am triggered more than usual. But, it never has been to the intensity of those years in my past that the ptsd was the most intense. I hope this helps, I am sure that there will be someone that can give you some answers, I am curious as well....God bless

 

[KrisMC]

Thank you Onlybygrace (I like your name). For some reason this is just as intense as the actual trauma. Which is odd since my usual flashbacks from before weren't so strong. I was listed as having Complex PTSD in the past...don't know about now. I gather the "complex" part was from having multiple traumas back to back? I tried to ignore as much of my diagnosis as I could in the past even though I worked very hard at working through counseling.

In my past flashbacks I wasn't aware of the present at all, I was there "in the flashback itself" but with no clarity of what was going on around me or really what the flashback was...kind of in a blurred fog with the scary events going on and heightened fear and I knew what my triggers were back then. It was just shear panic and fear then. Now it is a bevy of emotions, kind of all over the board, and these glimpses of past events, not in any particular order. Just one trauma, then the next trauma like it is going down the list of traumas. Before they were more specific to a particular trauma I went through. Feels like they are all ganging up on me at once lately.

Just very concerned that it is all different this time around. Hoping I don't have to be hospitalized again, but I can feel the depression setting in. I don't miss those days.

Will try and keep a journal, it has been years since I did and hate to write now. But thank you, it is a very good idea and was a great tool in the past. I guess I just need to calm down and face this stuff again. Just wish it wouldn't gang up on me :)

Here we go again, back through hell. Just makes me angry that this isn't long gone by now. Frustrating. And, may I say, very bad timing...

 

[onlybygrace]

I just wanted to encourage you....I know what you are feeling because I had gone through what I would call an avalanche of emotions, flashbacks, memories, wanting to kill myself....a rolling snowball of pure hell. But I want to let you know that you'll get past this as well. I realized over the years that these experiences and symptoms (pure hell) will run its' course and in a way if you can re-frame and view it as a purging of sorts. You are in more control than you think....even while you experience a pure flashback, you are in control. I know this sounds odd but I found that the more I rode those waves and allowed those feelings to define my reality, the more intense they were and out of control I felt. I do have the anxieties and the typical symptoms but I have been able to de-sensitize myself to it. I do get caught up into old patterns of thinking but I am currently working on some triggers and I have told myself no more....it's a constant re-framing.

Our bodies and minds are evolving constantly and learning, if you can see it as a positive, it is a step in the right direction. My own experiences has shown me that. Be sure you get the support and help that you need to ride it through and to heal....it is worth it in the end. Remember I am living proof of that! By the way, I am my name....onlybygrace!