Raising Grandchildren - Advice Needed?

[JustBe]

Wow Loloma, You sure have your hands full! I hope things settle down so you can enjoy the grandkids and get some well deserved peace in your life.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are doing amazing. Good for you. I think once it all gets sorted out it will be good. You are inspiring and have alot of love in your heart. Thinking of you. Big hugs.

 

[Abrasky]

sounds like you are doing all the right things, providing and not abandoning them.

As someone who was abandoned can I say it might be the thing causing the difficulty not you.

 

[Loloma]

(((((Maze))))) I was not physically abandoned, emotionally ooh yes. My father was my first abuser, my mother was schizophrenic. Extremely cruel and emotionally detached, my sister and I were left to raise our many sibling.

So I know what abandonment is all about, sorry that this happened to you.

Child with abandonment issues tend to be very clingy, insecure and confused. Raising them makes under these circumstances makes it all the harder.

Nicolette, both you and Anthony are doing a wonderful job with the children, have learnt over time the best way to handle situations and understand both of your children. Terrific parents, congratulations. I wish you all the best.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I think I did misunderstand the logistics but either way it's the adults who you have an issue with. I think proper English is or to whom you have an issue.

The kids are playing the adults against one another. That doesn't make for a very happy home.

I'm divorced but I was lucky since Mom and I would set the rules together. If we had a difference of opinion we discussed it without the kids present and then presented a united front.

The kids might complain to me about what Mom was doing but it was always clear that what she said goes. I have intervened a couple of times when I had a different perspective but the rules were always clear. I had to play the heavy sometimes but Mom did too at times.

It might be that what they are doing isn't even apparent to them. Maybe it's time to make sure the adults discussed what the rules are so there isn't any confusion.

I would discuss it with my (T) to see how they suggest dealing with it.

 

[Loloma]

I think I did misunderstand the logistics but either way it's the adults who you have an issue with.
The kids are playing the adults against one another. That doesn't make for a very happy home.

Thank you for the good advice Bill, looking at it from that perspective helps me see what I need to do. Talk to the parents and sort it all out. I feel left out a lot of the time, tend to be the last to know what is going on, what plans are made regarding schedules relating to the mothers coming and going.

I have rights and a life as well. It's not about what everyelse wants all the time. It shows lack of respect on their part when they don't factor me into the equation. Hence the need for me to find my own place, mainly to rest and wind down.

The little ones will always be looked after, but need to realise that I am not at their beck and call 24/7.

 

[Loloma]

Loloma, while a grandmother, it sounds as if you have the responsibilities of a parent. It also sounds like you're the bad cop in a relationship where parent's don't agree or compromise to a medium on parenting. It also sounds like what you would experiencing is on par with a parental separation with one parent being the good guy in the children's eyes, as they can do as they please and get spoiled, while the other parent does the hard yards.

Very astute Nicolette, you have hit the nail on the head. Funny how kids see situations back to front isn't it. The good guy, 'Mum' is not the good guy. However I think it would be too hard for the children to see and understand that, as they cling to the image they have of their mother. It would be too horrific for them to accept that she did not want them in her new life.

Of course we let them have their view of her as they are young. They will figure it out for themselves when they are older.

 

[Nicolette]

They will figure it out for themselves when they are older.

Loloma I was bad cop and too tough after my marriage break down according to my son while growing up. 20 years later (this month) my son adores me, I am his rock and he knows that he can always count on me and that means more than his dad who has been less than favourable yet did all the great things. Sometimes you reap the rewards when the flower blooms and not when a seed in the ground.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

She will always be Mom. I'm sure they know the score most kids just keep it inside. With the way it is I'm sure the kids will accept any attention they can get from her. I'm sure they understand she is only a part time parent.

As long as they have a home with Y'all they will be OK.