Ramble Of a Mad Woman, Faced a Trigger Out Of Need

[Deleted member 93]

I accidently tripped a trigger two nights in a row. More was there and as jacked as I felt I felt an urge and drive to face it, relive it. I do not know why or what. I am sure I will learn.

But got my keys and hit the back roads I rarely drive and never until now at night alone.

The road was dirt but white, a memory. I parked. This may make no sense but I had my paper and a pen and wrote what I felt there... Ramble and short but feelings I wrote as I saw it.

Need to return

drawn to spot

need to process emotions

Fear - so much

helpless

death

anger

children

can't breathe

empty in his eyes

childlike again for me

not in my hands

need to confront

need to mourn

need to let go

belittled, had to be to live

surrendering

It hurts

I hate

Anger again

I had to see it again

I get out

go to passenger side of car

I placed my hands on window and tears came

I remember my babies in back seat

Helpless and small is how I felt

I know I would die

I remember and hear and feel my screams

headaches, cramps and so much pain

I remember knees and hands scraped

I remember giving up in my soul

resigning to death and a need to vomit


I remember a couple things not there before. I really thought my trauma was centered around my death. As I threw myself back in dying was not it. When I saw my babies again it was then, that was my trauma. Kill me and rape me, but do not remove me from their life. I thought I was losing them and that was the last I would see of my now bratty teens. That is where a bulk of it lies. That was my trauma.

I stared into the trees and was "lost" like during that rape. This time, tonight, I saw something new. In the dimly lit sky in the trees I saw a bird, an owl. I saw his head turn and then I felt whole and one with my surroundings, all was gone that moment. He flew away and I got back in my car and came home a mess. Hubs was upset as I could not stop crying but ll I wanted was him to go to bed and let me be... Fun night, not.

But things I did not recall came back, it hurt and now I have to learn to cope.

 

[anthony]

Well done veiled... very well done. How do you feel now?

 

[Deleted member 93]

Today just shaky and belly a bit woozy, but a relief. I cried like mad for a while. I don't even get how I just had to get in my car to drive to the area that looked so much like where I was taken. I know I will never find the actual spot as the police officer and I drove all around those other sets of back roads trying to find it with no luck.

But this spot was so much like it and was there, it awakened emotions and fears I did not remember. I alredy remembered the fear of dying and the rape... I did not remember however the fear and how so intense it was thinking of the babies. Typing this again has me about to starting the bawling again. I don't think it is bad, a long time coming.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Well, I felt not too bad when I posted this mid morning. Not as the evening wears on though. I am shaking, very tired, dizzy, cotton mouth, muscle pain, pent up rage (too tired to let it out)... But the worst is as tired as I am I have such a deep seated fear of going to sleep now. Like I won't wake, I will die if I go to sleep, my throat keeps feeling like it is closing in and the such a strong sense of an impending doom. I feel so "high" like I have a buzz or had been drinking, which I haven't. I know logically why all this is so. It just does not want to get in my head this is not reasonable even though I am aware it is unreasonable fears.

Shaky night I guess you could say. Would kill for my xanax but being good and sticking with my new low dose.

 

[anthony]

Veiled, you already know it is not realistic to think your going to die from going to sleep, so go with it. The effects you mentioned above, are merely now the side effects of dealing with this trauma and trigger from the past days. It usually takes a few days for it to kick us in the arse, but learn from it all. Don't forget the basics... apply them during it, learn and retrain your brain from your thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Yes, but a rough night, no denying it. I don't know why I had such a drive to do that to myself and face it.

Today (yesterday) I had to prove I could pick up kids from school, hubs in passenger side. He wanted cokes so I stopped. Windows down and a leaf fell and landed on my arm. Yes, I lost it in the parking lot and hubs had to drive. He pointed out "you have a problem, a leaf fell on you and you could not drive." Thanks... I did not feel like a total ass just partial until it was simplified like that.

More shit coming to surface. Way too much at once and rereading my book trying to get a grip. I failed and hubs went in to the extra .25 mg of xanax to try and calm the "I am going to die" thoughts I could not control. Hubs wanted me to hit .75 a day and saying pushing too hard.

That was not working and hubs saying I have been up way too long. He is right on that one. I said to hell with it and he was more than happy to get me a couple drinks. It has ironically made me stop feeling so high and feel more normal.

Yes, big yes, I know not good. I have to say though I was hitting my wall. I still cannot sleep but finally calmed. I am so pissed at myself and really revenge driven now I feel better and more clear headed. But I have been down this road so what makes it come back? Hubs is trying to figure out why I am so wired wrong that a depressent makes me not feel messed up but the other way around.

I know what to look out for, my exact actions I did is what to watch for. But dammit trying to get it though my head I am not dying when logically I know it is not going to happen and why I feel like that, but emotions just do not want to go hand in hand. So damn frustrating!

I HATE THOSE MOTHER FU*KERS!!!! Sorry, had to say it. Again rough night (cough morning)

 

[anthony]

Have you settled on an amount for xanax yet? 0.5 or 0.75? Stick with one, don't take extra as required to calm nerves. The drinks are fine actually, and not real sure why your beating yourself up over having a few. There is a difference in having a few drinks when overly stressed, opposed to binge drinking and knocking yourself out from it. People without PTSD have one, two or three drinks at the end of each day, so why is it wrong for those with PTSD? Its not wrong, and perfectly acceptable IMHO.

If someone was drinking heavily daily, or bingeing three times a week, ie. everytime it got rough, then I would kick them in the arse and tell them to wakeup to themselves. You have your fair amount of shit going on at present, teenager leaving, son going to live with his dad, moving across States, and the rest. Give yourself a break veiled... stop beating yourself up over your actions at present. Shit, you have more on your plate than I do mine at the moment... well over to be honest. A new born is one thing, but loosing children and moving house, ha... you win hands down.

Stop giving yourself a hard time amount merely being under a lot of stress at present. Everything that is going on will stop soon enough, bar the teenage issues, though they will be managed more in time. Shit, IMHO... a few drinks every night for the next month whilst all this is going on in your life, to help you get through.

It is one thing to take medications and have daily drinks to cope with normal everyday stress, its another when your loaded up with extra for a short duration. The meds will screw with you bouncing around, taking a little extra here, there and everywhere, so cut that shit out and stick with one amount, no ifs, no buts, do it. Have a drink every afternoon, or two, or three, to help you get through this short period of high stress, then stop it when done. You don't need to withdraw from alcohol, you just stop, simple; meds are another issue, hence don't screw with them, screw with alcohol for the short period. Hell, if you said you were having a joint once a night to me, I would encourage it whilst your going through this.

I know many that use a joint once a day in lieu of medication... it works for them. What am I getting at? Use suppressants in moderation during short period, high stress times in life, as you can stop them without issue. Don't use meds, because they will screw with your system longer than alcohol or pot would, thus your better to use one of those two, instead of upping meds.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I went with the .75 through out the day. .25 3x a day. But it did not stop the shrink from having a hissy and demanding no less than 1 mg day. Hubs is siding with her. They want it higher than that really, she prefers I be at 1.5 minimum. So a lot of pressure to up the dose. I am fighting with hubs about it. I am managing much better now at the.75 and PMS closing. Hubs is not happy but he is happy he won a little. It is just so hard to fight addiction my shrink acknowledges when they are trying to force it down my throat and telling me I don't have to be miserable and hurting. Just does not add up to me. It is hard to keep strength during this. But Again I told hubs I will stick with the .75 daily until I move and find a new doc. I am going to do a better job and screen my own shrink this time. No hubs pushing me into one.

I am actually having a beer right now to unwind from today and last night since all are asleep. I am still stressed over my shrink and her being aggressive. But my biggest issue is PMS and cramps at the moment. Hormones and stress are just not getting along. I had no clue I went and did that trigger during PMS. Big mistake as that usually causes attacks alone. I now know as menses is trying to happen but not really happening. Like you want to know that, but women I think have a unique issue in having to time it to add stress.

I get so upset and paranoid about having a drink because I went down such a hard road for years drinking 12-24 beers a day or a bottle of crown reserve. How I stayed as skinny as I did is beyond me. So it is scary and can actually induce stress for me when I feel it calm me and make my head stop swimming. I am so scared to fall back in that trap.

I know now I can put it down at any point as I did with pregnancies and nursing, but still scary as I rely on something than skills I learned. Now a joint. I remember what that was like after a rape it was used by a friend to calm me. She was the "out cry witness". I told hubs I am against drugs but at this point I don't know if I would have an issue sneaking a plant now. He told me I would need an acre LOL. I am very afraid of anything illegal. And while I know California has legalized it for medicinal use I doubt a conservative state like Kansas ever would. But they have prime farm land and not many people. But it is still against fedreal law which overrides state law.

Hubs and I had a long talk over alcohol. He is a recovered alcoholic. He had lost his license, drunk driving accidents, wake up clueless how he ended up in the hospital or jail. He had a major alcohol problem. Been about 12 or 13 years sober. He is as anti-alcohol as they come. He went through a lot of pain watching me like that. When we talked I asked him what he really thought was the lesser of the two evils. Him seeing withdrawals off xanax he knew alcohol was way less an issue as I have shown I can put it down as fast as I can pick it up. And I am not sick for days and days.

He is encouraging a couple drinks if I am refusing meds. So I am doing that. Not binging, just get my head to slow down. Muscles still hurt and such, still stressed but only taking edge off. Not drowning my pain like I once did. I just get nervous about it being a slippery slope, as I think I well should be. But maybe the paranoia will keep me in line with it as I do know where too far is.

Just hard to get my mind around it. As like I said hubs and doc pushing dope and he is trying to back doc saying I don't need to be in pain. I told him I expect it and if I am doped up numbing the effects of facing and dealing with trauma with anxiety meds is not going to help me learn to deal with it head on... I cannot apply anything I learn. He said he could not argue with that.

Sorry to ramble, I am stressed over a beer. I opened a couple and took a drink and in turn poured them down the drain. Yeah, I have an issue with drinking. Will try to lighten up and not be so stuffy and just watch my step. I am sure hubs will be the first to point it out though!

 

[anthony]

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you still have pain at every level of xanax you where at? If so, increasing it is not going to rid you off pain, just create the long lasting addiction that your body is currently craveing. Doctors don't have a clue at times, I'm sure of this. I am glad you have your mindset now, .75 and steady. From that, you should be able to drop it completely after you have moved and settled, thus lessening the withdrawals.

Now, you are still going to get kicked in the arse from withdrawals, because the fact is, is that even in small doses, your system is still being fed its dependency, and that is what it is too your system, a dependency. You are going to hurt when you drop totally, and it will hurt for around two months, maybe less if your lucky. So plan ahead, let people know that it is going to take that long for this crap to get totally out of your system, and not just that, but for you to learn how to cope with your PTSD without medications. Your system is dependent upon it, regardless the amount, so withdrawals are still going to be just as bad as if you had dropped 2mg of the crap.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Well, at the 10 mg prescribed a day xanax stopped working. Whole reason to pull me off addicted and no longer producing results as desired. I had to apply skills and learned to cope as valium did nothing, kloplin (sp) was bad and put me in hospital, ativan jacked with my breathing... How much dope can you take? I am out of options on the dope road. I need to find that website and post it that helped me. It was a simple site designed just for panic attacks from personal experience by just a guy and a no nonsense approach. You have to dive into your attack. I need a refresher. I could see how that site would help a lot if you have simple panic disorder. But still so helpful for slowing attacks down and stopping them with the PTSD. I cannot stop them but can stop the from cycling beyong the 10 or 15 minute attack. I see no reason I cannot again. I think my stress has just been allowed to build even if a bit out of my hands.

Well, the little siezure episodes should stop and have at this dose, I only felt one. My inlaws are gung ho at diving in to help so I should be well cared for and more important the toddler so I can come off after the move. Will hunt down a shrink on the same page as me. Also hubs will remain off work until I am settled. So the stage is set to get me off of the drug the rest of the way after the move. I can see I was pushing it too fast, been on it so long and I see the finish line. I ran too hard and tripped. I need to slow down. The makers of xanax say .5 mg cut at a time to do it safely. Also research I have read says the last cut of .5 or .25 made no difference in the final cut. So I will probably cut .25 for a week then drop the remaining .5 and that will be along the makers guide lines of keeping it safe and withdrawals minimul. So excuse me if I am a bit MIA after I move when I cut. If I am I may send "jonnylongtorso" I think that was his goofy ass name on here, to let y'all know. He said it was that or monkeyboy... I liked monkeyboy LOL.

Tonight has been long. May sound trivial to others but my dog who has been there with me for years and is about a year or two older than the normal life span for her breed... She has had labored breathing all night and if it does not settle hubs is taking her to the vet. She has been with me since my second marriage. On final #4... Anyone who knows me associates me with her, she used to go to work with me on rough days at the club and sit in my DJ booth with me. She is my baby so been worried. It never stops this whole life thing. Still searching for a pause button but it just cannot be found!

Thank you for you supporting me getting off this horrid drug that at one time was pure bliss.

 

[Deleted member 93]

and yes, pain at every level when my body was used to it...