Raped So Much, Now Living In The Same Building As One Of My Abusers...

[newme89]

I am 23 years old and have been raped at least 20 times. I have been molested countless times. Right now, one of my biggest issues is that my rapist lives in the same apt building I do. The police won't do anything because the rapist's uncle is a police officer. The apartment manager won't do anything. I am feeling trapped in my apartment, every time I leave my apartment I run into this prick who always has a quart of alcohol. He drinks constantly and smells like alcohol. He has been trying since he raped me in September to let him into my apt, but I just try to ignore him, it's difficult. I resist him, but I am getting tired of fighting. It's hard, I live in a small town, where there are no shelters, and I have no family to help me. They blame me for the other rapes that happened. They blame me for being kidnapped in April and held hostage, tortured, and raped for a month. I kind of blame myself, too. It just hurts that they blame me too. I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for the long story. I am just an emotional wreck right now.

 

[endlessocean]

Hi new me,

This sounds like a vey difficult situation. I was in a dorm with a guy who scared me. I feel for you. That sounds like a really difficult situation. Please, just remember that it is NOT your fault, and they can say what they want, but in a sane world with sane people, it is not your fault. You can get out of this, you can do it. Just keep searching for a solution to get yourself into a safe apartment.

I think as sexual abuse survivors, we are taught not to protect ourselves. This is why we end up so down trodden, so emotionally wrecked, and victimized. I connected with a lot of survivors and I have a large online community I can talk to for emotional support while I try and pull myself together after leaving that relationship.

I realize what you are in is not a relationship, but I think I can relate to feeling alone, as I do not have family to help me either. I am currently staying with a man I don't necessarily care for, but at least I am safe. I had to do all of this of my own willpower. I got myself out of there through sheer determination. I am so glad I got myself outta there.

It took me a while, but one I set myself in that direction, I eventually got where I wanted to go (a safe housing situation).

I am so sorry to hear you have been hurt so many times. I hope that you will love yurself, even when others don't show you love, and even when the others around you are crazy. YOu are not crazy. You know what happened. That is the most important thing.
Please send me a message any time if you want to talk.
:wave:

 

[newme89]

Thank you for your kind words. I am struggling with the guilt, and thinking I am just too tired to fight anymore. I will try to be strong. Thank you for being so honest.

 

[newme89]

UPDATE:
I finally had the nerve to tell my rapist off today. I was bringing in my groceries and he grabbed a bag out of my hand; I snatched it back, and told him I didn't need his help. I looked him in the eye and told him to back off. I was firm and maybe a little aggressive, but I am so proud that I was able to accomplish this, it may seem small, but to me, even looking him in the eyes while talking was a big accomplishment. Thanks for the support of my online support group & family. I couldn't have done it without each of your help. Thank you.

 

[cherryblossom]

Well done newme! That doesn't sound like a small thing at all. It sounds really brave and strong. Well done :applause:

Welcome the forum, by the way :wave:

 

[Lucycat]

Well done Newme!

My goodness that must have taken courage.
Now you have done it once, you can do it again if you have to. But just maybe he will now take heed and actually leave you alone.

It must be awful being so close to him, just keep reaching out for every ounce of support you can, and you'll get through this.

Best wishes,
Lucy x

 

[newme89]

I am I just feel so ashamed of myself, for what happened, my birth family blames me, and I blame me. I don't know how to not feel this way. My birth family has now ex-communicated me because of the rape. I don't know what else to do... I am at a loss for words, and a word for my feelings. ..

 

[Lucycat]

It is so difficult when you hold onto the blame and guilt.

Are you in therapy? I don't think you can work through this mess on your own. Professional help is what is needed to shift the blame and put it firmly where it belongs.

I am only learning now to understand and name my feelings - even to acknowledge that I have any really. It is a very difficult skill that rape and abuse takes away from you. But keep working at it and it will come back and then you will find it a little easier to move on.

I remember googling 'feelings' as I did not have a clue what T was talking about!!

 

[newme89]

I start therapy in January, kind of on my own until then. Trying hard to stay sane. Thanks for the support.

 

[Lucycat]

Well, January is not that far away now.

While you are waiting for therapy, how about having a think of what you want to get out of it? I know it seems an impossible question at first, but is really important. Some people instinctively reply that all they want is for someone to listen to them. But of course therapy is so much more than that.

What changes would you like to see in yourself? How different do you want to be, from how you are now? Do you have a 'target' or goal? In your ideal world what would your life look like 5 years from now?

and then ... what have you already got to help you? What strengths have you? What are your hobbies? What keeps your mind occupied when you are not thinking of the traumas? Which friends know the real you?

I am not expecting you to answer any of this, just something to think about!