Relationship Reaching Out

[Chinchilly]

First, thank you to everyone on this forum for helping me understand. I fell hard for a guy whom I knew had been in combat, but never told me he had PTSD. I interpreted his behavior to mean he was a big player who was juggling multiple women and therefore couldn't always call or text back, had trouble making plans, etc. But it drove me insane trying to understand because it didn't really match up with the way he was in person or what I knew of him.

Anyway, I have come to understand he is probably not up for a relationship and it has nothing to do with me. I still really care though and would like to keep in touch. He has expressed that he too would like this. It's almost always me reaching out though, which feels odd--we are so trained to understand that in any relationship if you are doing all the work the other person just doesn't care enough. Am I understanding correctly that this isn't necessarily true for a sufferer? On the one hand, I am taking away that when someone disappears you should just respect their need for space. On the other, I feel that he is not capable of reaching out and would just completely fade away if I didn't make the effort. Do I just let him fade away because that is his choice or do I make a periodic effort to check in, regardless of whether the effort is mutual?

I appreciate any feedback.

 

[2narcissa]

How long have you been dating?if you really love him you could be patient.however if you think he's interested in other woman then you need to leave it alone,you will end up feeling worse in the long run.why not ask him and tell him what you want,that way there's no confusion,watch out for narcissists,they prey on empaths and they use love against others to manipulate.:devilish: they are pure evil,and cannot give or receive love in a healthy way.the longer you stay ,the more pain.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have ptsd. I think that you could stay in touch and keep it light and casual. And follow his cues and wait and see what happens. It is not your fault. It is having nothing to do with you. It is him. i wish you the best and hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

 

[Chinchilly]

Thanks to both of you, I appreciate the support and feedback.

2narcissa, we are no longer dating I just wanted to keep in touch with him. I asked him directly when we were dating and he said he did not want to see anyone else--that doesn't mean he was being honest though, who knows. Whatever the reason, he just couldn't commit himself and give as much as I require in a relationship so I ended it. I agree with you about narcissists, scary how well than can manipulate.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Chinchilly,

It's... hard to explain but with PTSD sometimes a person can become lost within themselves.

This past summer I essentially fell off the radar to most of my friends because I was so entrenched with my memories. And when my friends messaged/contacted me I would either reply very little, cautiously, or not at all. I didn't respond... because well... how can you possibly explain that you're being haunted by your demons day in and day out? That every day you relive the same thing over and over again. For me, I learned to grin and bear and keep things to myself because I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer. I didn't want to be known for being so ... broken. And I was (still am at some point) terribly downtrodden.

And I can't speak for him, but when I hit that mark I can't think of anything but my own problems. So when a friend calls to say "What's up? What're you up to?" I say nothing and actually feel worse about myself. Because even though someone cares to message me (which makes me happy) I feel like an ass because I have nothing to say that wouldn't be depressing. Which only makes me more depressed.

If he wants to stay in contact like you say he expressed.... I would just say... expect to get some replies and to not get replies. And just give him time.

I'm not sure if this helps or not but random little anecdotes help open me up to someone. For me a text that reads "Just saw the biggest motha F'ing spider in my life" reads better and makes me feel better than "How've you been?"/"what're you up to?"

Best of luck.

 

[Lovemyman]

I was reading the posts and this is hitting close to home. 99Phoenix99 what you have said makes me wonder if this is how my fiance is feeling. We have been dating since Jan and are to be married in Dec of this year. A week and two days ago he just upped and moved everything out with no warning and no note no nothing. I still haven't heard from him, his kids have once or twice since he's been gone but his dad hasn't and neither have I. He ran out of his meds a week prior to that and had been waiting for the VA to send them to him. There were helicopters flying around the house for three days during the day that I wasnt aware of looking for Marijuana plants, I live by the river and apparently this is harvest season. So I'm hoping that all of this is due to the PTSD. I'm willing to stand by him and help him when I can, I just wish I had the opportunity to tell him.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I was reading the posts and this is hitting close to home. 99Phoenix99 what you have said makes me wonder if this is how my fiance is feeling.

Lovemyman,

I'm glad that my message could have helped even just a little.

And I don't want to say anything unkind because I really don't know much about your situation, but I'd just like to say that you should make sure to take care of yourself. While PTSD is a difficult thing for sufferrers and it equally difficult for supporters alike. Also, don't let PTSD be used to mask something else, it's far too easy to use that as the scapegoat.

I'm hoping that things work out for you :)

 

[99Phoenix99]

*it is equally difficult for supporters alike

 

[Lovemyman]

Thank you, I am hoping things work out also. I'm not good at sitting back and waiting. It's never been my strong suit. The PTSD is the only thing that makes sense because we have never fought, had a cross word or argument. There have been a lot of "big" events in our lives the last few weeks so I'm more to believe that he was overwhelmed. We joined church together and were baptized and have been planning the wedding.
Taking care of myself, I'm trying but isn't an issue at the moment. I am to get by and to show my son that I'm ok even though I'm not.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Unfortunately I think you're just going to have to wait until you're able to talk with your fiance. Which sucks.

But I think it's great that you're here online, I usually don't try to get help until it's too late. I really hope it helps you out.


In any case I think you're very strong in wanting to show your son that you're alright. And even if you're not at the moment ( I can only imagine the stress and I'm sure that doesn't even come close to the reality of it) there's nothing wrong with sharing that you're upset. That even though you're upset, you're still his mother. That you aren't going anywhere. That you have each other's back.

No matter what happens you're a good mom.

 

[Chinchilly]

99phoenix, thank you so much for your reply it is very helpful and makes a lot of sense. As someone who cares, I assume that he knows he can be depressing or tell me what he is going through. But it's helpful to remember that it's also about not wanting to experience yourself in that way in front of another person. I understand that. I don't have PTSD, but can still feel pressured by the question, what is up?--like I have to produce a fascinating story :)...really good advice to take the focus off of him. I am truly sorry that you are suffering so much.

Lovemyman, I am so sorry to hear what you going through. It sounds like complete torture. There is nothing worse than not understanding and what he did makes no sense. I'm sure you did nothing to cause him to leave. I think taking good care of yourself and trying to depend on the people who CAN be there for you right now is great advice. I wish the best for you!