Reality Check: Dating...am I Out Of The Game?

[Lionheart]

I need some feedback about dating and it is probably something I don't really want to hear, but I feel I must ask to get a proper perspective on where I stand...So here's the deal...

I am a 53-yr-old divorced father of one. I am disabled with PTSD and Major depression. I also struggle with diabetes, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and COPD. I no longer own a car nor do I drive AND I live at home with my 77-year-old mother.

I think to myself that no one is going to want to date me, as I have self-labeled myself as a "loser", a "have not", "over-the-hill" etc. I don't know if my situation limits me with respect to dating or if it is my own negative thought processes that are leading me to shy away from the dating world.

I may not be the worlds most eligible bachelor, but does the information I supplied about myself take me out of the running when it comes to finding a suitable partner? I guess what I am really asking is, do you think anyone would really want to date someone like me? Or is it time I accept things for what they are and further isolate myself?

*Closes eyes and peeks out between fingers.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I may not be the worlds most eligible bachelor, but does the information I supplied about myself take me out of the running when it comes to finding a suitable partner? I guess what I am really asking is, do you think anyone would really want to date someone like me?

Ok, this is going to be a sappy question but: what do you think if you really look into your heart? Instead of listening to your mind and the PTSD. Your mind and the disorder only have bad stuff to say, you know it. But they're not right, most of the time.

Sounds to me like there is still hope in you of dating. Which means that you still have a belief that you could be eligible and out there. I agree with that voice in you! What you tell yourself, is what you tell others. I do also have troubles with this, to tell you the truth.

I don't live with my mom, I have my own apartment, and yet the way I behave is what influences my chances of dating. Of course the circumstances can influence your dating, but you'll want somebody who wants you for who you are. And who you are inside is not the same as your living situation. Who you are inside is also not the PTSD and all the nagging questions :)

 

[Lionheart]

Thank you Radise,

You have answered my question. I believe you are right, it's what I think of myself and my behavior that will influence my dating more than my living situation will. I am not a loser, rather I am a survivor and even a warrior of sorts. I much prefer to think of myself that way instead of as a loser.

And I do want someone who is going to want me for me irregardless of the situation I find myself in.

 

[Bedbug]

what do you think if you really look into your heart?

You are a lion-hearted survivor!

 

[Everhopeful]

There are truly genuine souls out there, who know what is valuable in a person. They do not go for the superficial things in life, they are looking for someone to connect with on a soul level.I don't mean to sound so esoteric, but what I guess I am trying to say that there are genuine people who will be interested in who you are as a person, and not what your current living arrangements are. In fact, it is a great feather in your cap that you look out for your elderly mom as well. There are not many people that would do that whilst still coping with their own issues.

Wish you the best. There is a special person out there for you, I am sure.

And the health issues need not stand in the way of a true and genuine relationship. After all, we all lose our tread as we approach the half-century, life knocks us around a bit and we have a few physical ailments to contend with!

 

[bell]

I think of myself as "undateable" all the time, but that doesn't make it so. What we think of ourselves is rarely built on truth.

You could always put up a profile online and see what happens? That kind of puts a toe in the water so to speak and gives you the chance to "meet" someone over email before meeting up with them first. And gives you an idea of who's looking to date in your area.

Also, I think that as long as you are okay with dating in your age group (I see a lot of guys online seeking people 10-20 years younger) you will see success. If you're looking to date women, the pool of good guys gets a ton smaller once women get older (sigh), so I bet there are some really nice women in your area that would be glad to meet someone their own age who is looking for the same.

 

[franciemarnie]

When I was in the market, I looked for a loving person who was fun to hang out with and I think you are both of those plus more.

Really what matters more than a good heart and someone enjoyable to hang with?

I've been with the pedigreed types with dynamo monied professions who were total jackasses. That never had me feeling warm and cozy and loved.

You've got what's most important Lionheart! No one and nothing can take that away.

 

[Loner]

Theres a million cliches about this but they're all true. The one that comes to mind first is whatever you tell yourself about this is going to be true. If you tell yourself no one will want you, women will pick up on that negativity and it will be true. If you keep an open mind, strive to be outgoing, kind, and respectful, who knows what might happen.

Everyone has a reason to tell themselves no one can love them. Actually probably a lot more than one reason.

 

[Lionheart]

So true Loner,

I beleive I tell myself no one will love me so I don't have to risk rejection. That is so silly because I am actually a pretty good guy and don't deserve to be mistreated in any way and besides, rejection of me as a partner is not a total denouncement of me as a person. I can recover if someone is not attracted to me or cannot see my good qualities. It's a matter of having a positive but realistic vision of myself, I think.

 

[Loner]

I think its also a matter of stress, constantly reinforcing your negative self image is less stressful in many ways than the roller coaster of oh i like her i wonder if she likes me oh i think she does but maybe she doesnt maybe i should ask her out but im scared ok im going to do it but how ok i think i have a good idea how but im scared ok im going to do it yea im doing it oh it seems like its going well but maybe it isnt...

 

[radicalgratitude]

You are not "damaged goods." So many of us with PTSD think of ourselves that way and it's not true!