General Realization!

[Frankie]

Since my bf left over 1 month ago, I have gone through many emotions, from disbelief to hurt to extreme sadness and lonliness. I feel that I am missing an important part of my life. I am getting better though, I am learning to move on without him and I am taking care of myself and keeping busy.

However, as much as I still love and miss him, I have come to terms with the fact that he might never come back to me. Unlike many whose loved ones have shut down, I haven't heard any news from him.

I also have come to the realization that he did what he did cause he had no other choice. And I started thinking, as a carer that is not suffering from any mental disorder, I too, at times, need time-outs, I also need to get away from it all, I also need my private time, I also need to get away from the stress of day-to-day life. I also need to get away from work and my "stressful" bosses :)

And I also, when threatened or pushed, will move away from the situation, for my safety and well-being. And I will feel good about doing it.

BUT and this is a huge BUT..... I can choose to get away from it all, to forget about problems.....and come back when I am feeling refreshed and start all over again with all the responsibilities, commitments, day-to-day stress and activities.

As a matter of fact I will be "getting away from it all" next week; I will be going at my friend's summer cottage for 1 week....ALONE and far away from civilization:) I need time to think things over, listen to music, read, take walks and yes, cry some more :) and hopefully I will come back completely refreshed.

As a person who does not suffer from any mental disorder, I can think clearly about things and move on, and it can be very hard. A person with PTSD does not have that choice. They live with constant threat, stress, anxiety and it is hard for them to "refresh" yes, they have to live with it and learn how to control their emotions/feelings.

And if they get the help they need, they can re-learn to live a long, successful and normal life. It is a long and hard journey though but can be very rewarding.

When my bf left, it was very hard for me to understand....WHY, was the constant word I used "If he loved me so much, WHY did he leave ? Well, I understand much more now...and the only answer is "CAUSE, HE HAD TO, he had no other choice"

I understand that if I need to take a time-out....how much harder it is for someone with PTSD. If I can remove myself from a stressfull situation...then why couldn't I understand that for him it was a "necessity and not a choice". What I take for granted, is not the case with someone with PTSD.

After reading so many posts from sufferers and carers, I have great respect and pride for all they have to go through, just to make it through the day. :)

I understand more now, and with understanding comes acceptance. I still love him very much and miss him very much.

But there is nothing I can do. If he should ever come back to me, I will be there, if not, I will have been loved and loved a very wonderful man for 2 years and I wouldn't trade that love or the time we had for anything.

 

[Lost_in_FL]

Oh Frankie-

I am fighting tears reading your post, as it echoes so much in my own life. I just want to say how much I admire your strength and resolve, and that you are not alone in your pain.

My husband and I are still in touch, although I wish it was much more than simple hand offs of mail and mundane phonecalls. I will take what I can get and pray that by me giving him space, he will come to realize that I want only the best for him and will love and support him in his quest for safety and security and hopefully, eventual journey of healing.

Meanwhile, I wait and carry on with life, same as you, trying to guide my children and take care of myself the best I can.

I wish you peace during your time away and always. Many hugs, girl.

Peace,
Lost :Hug_emoticon:

 

[txdoll38]

My heart goes out to you Frankie. I'm new to this, but I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I hope everything works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers. My boyfriend hasn't shut me out yet, but I feel him pushing me away. This site and others like it is what keep me going on a daily basis. I've learned from you and others that I have to give him space when he needs it. Before I decided to seek information on the internet, I was seriously contemplating getting on medication to deal with the anxiety. Instead I've found a support system right here on this site.

 

[Frankie]

Thank-you Lost ! There is really nothing we can do....At least you get to talk to him once in a while..and at least you know how he is doing.

I don't know if he is taking care of himself, if he is talking to others and seeing his doctor. I have to trust that he is...cause he always made great efforts to get better and he did, I was so proud of his progress.

Like you, I only want him to be happy again and function as normal as possible, with or without me.

I have to add that coming here, sharing thoughts and knowing that we are not alone in this is such a great help !

Hugs :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Frankie]

Hi Txdoll38 and thank-you,

Yes, you are right, coming here is a great help....and it also gives lots of comfort and hope !

In 2 years my exbf and I were together, this was the only time he shut-off from me he never pushed away....so it was real hard and still is...I truly did not see it coming...maybe I should have ?

I have to add that along with giving them space, it is also important not to "over-stress" them with our problems..this is the mistake I made. It was so easy for me to vent out my personal problems with him without realizing that it was too much to handle (even though he never told me that...he always encouraged me to talk). I should have known better.

My mother passed away in March of this year, she was diagnosed 7 years ago with Alzheimer's. Like a lot of people, the only thing I knew about this disease was that they forget things. Aghhh :) rude awakening ! There is so much more to Alzeihmer's then memory loss. The same goes with PTSD...it is not only "needing space". So much more is involved. You have to live it to better understand.


"He's even discussed working at the VA to help others" you said this in another post...very good idea, my exbf also volunteered at the Veteran's hospital where he is being treated. It did him good and did a lot of good to those that are in residence there (it saddened me to know that many vets have noone visiting them).

One of the things that made me so proud of my exbf was his compassion for others. He once stayed at the hospital (2 whole days & nights) with an elderly vet who was dying, he stayed by his bedside, till he passed. That is the kind of man he is.

You also asked "My question to you is how can I bring it up to him and suggest therapy without making him feel upset or ashamed!"

First of all, there is nothing to be ashamed of !!! Let him know that. Once he realizes that he will only get better going in therapy, he will.

Try explaining that doctors are there to help him and they will not judge or pressure. If his problem was physical would he be ashamed to seek help ? No ! so this is not different ! If we need doctors to heal us or make us feel better we should go...no matter who the doctor is.

Maybe you can suggest that you accompany him for moral support. But do not pressure him, it will have to come from him.

 

[txdoll38]

Thank you Frankie.

We've actually talked about him going to therapy. He thinks he needs to go to therapy to address the problems he has in relationships. He doesn't seem to get that the the problems are related to the PTSD. He treats the PTSD as something very matter of fact. Like its just something the VA told him he has and gave him meds for. no big deal. As I stated in another post he's now denying ever telling me he has PTSD. He recognizes that he has anger issues and is very irritable (to name a few things), however he refuses to accept that its part of PTSD. I don't know if he's denying the PTSD for my benefit or his. What I do know is if he won't acknowledge it, he cant get the help he needs.

 

[txdoll38]

One other think I forgot to ask you Frankie. You stated it's important not to over-stress them. Which i try very hard not to do. Would you consider asking him to talk about the relationship and where things stand as over stressing? I've been holding things in for weeks trying to keep from stressing him out, but today I got to the point of saying to myself "I'm in this relationship too and I need to know where things stand?" So anyway, I put it out there (via msg) and have not heard anything else from him. Was that the wrong approach? How much do I have to ignore my own needs to meet his? I guess that was more a vent than a question. :)

 

[Frankie]

Hi Txdoll38.

I am glad your bf is talking about going for therapy. He has to find a doctor that deals with PTSD, that will help him immensly. PTSD is not a "no big deal" your bf has to realize that it is very serious and meds alone will not work !

He needs therapy to work out his anger, nightmares (if he has any), flashbacks, etc...and yes, relationship issues. Your bf has to acknowledge his PTSD, he has to understand that he is now a man living with PTSD and has to learn to live with the disorder, he has to learn how to control, how to recognize his triggers, etc.....Only then will there be the beginning of healing.

You say:
"One other think I forgot to ask you Frankie. You stated it's important not to over-stress them. Which i try very hard not to do. Would you consider asking him to talk about the relationship and where things stand as over stressing?"

Well, in my experience with him I used to check his moods, watch him carefully and see what could trigger him and go from there. We talked a lot, and many times he would tell me what would "over-stress" him and we would adjust.

You can maybe have a heart-to-heart conversation with him, while he is at his best and tell him you want to help make things better between both of you, but that he has to help and tell you what bothers him. And then adjust yourself accordingly, if it is something you can adjust.

In my case I never babied him, he always knew what I was able to tolerate and what I would not ! So he also had to control himself !

How much do we have to ignore our needs to meet his ? Like in any relationships it should be a give and take. Only you can say what you can ignore.

I know it is not always easy to do so, cause you have feelings and emotions and needs too ! Like a lot of people here always say "the carer has to take care of himself too" as carers we have to be in control and we have to feel good about ourselves before we can begin to help our "sufferer"

I am maybe not the best one to give you suggestions though on "over-stressing" because that is why he left. Or maybe I am because it happened to me :) I got so used to tell him everything, all my problems, that it got too much for him and he left. So I would suggest being careful about always venting out with him, that will cause more stress and anxiety, which they don't need more of ! Maybe find a friend you trust and vent out with her ?

Good luck !

 

[Lost_in_FL]

Frankie and txdoll -

Just wanted to say thank you both for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It appears we are experiencing similar issues with our sufferers and like Frankie said, it is very helpful and validating to read and see that we are not alone in our worry and emotional pain. Hugs and prayers to you both ~

Peace,
Lost

 

[Frankie]

Well, I am back to reality after a week of blissfull solitude (I went to my friend's summer cottage)....2 hours away from everything, I was truly secluded !! I read, watched movies, made a jigsaw puzzle, listened to music.....Nature, forest, lake, and deer ! Just wonderful !

I had time to think things over, cry as much as I wanted...mourn the loss of a great relationship, hoping that I would get my hurt and pain out in the open and start fresh.

Well, back at work and still thinking of him and still in pain, and still missing him...(Almost 2 months without any news). I know there is nothing I can do but move on and try to make a life without him. It feels like a book with the last pages missing....very frustrating and sad!

A quote comes to mind...goes something like this: Do not cry for what you lost but smile for what you had" .....hmmmm not there yet ! But I am strong and I will get there !

 

[cyndi]

Bless you for your compassion and understanding. May it come back to you tenfold.

 

[Frankie]

Thanks Cyndi :smile:...I am merely one of many here that have the same qualities...and all because we are able to see the person beyond the PTSD and love them just the same, if not more, because of all they had to go through.