supa_scoop
New Here
Having had significant mental and emotional health issues, seeing psychiatrists for depression, GAD, and anxiety, being medicated (Lexapro and Vyvanse) l, and doing lots of work; I am now realizing that CPTSD symptoms and stories fit me like a glove. I am reading the Pete Walker book like the Bible.
Background: Mother has CPTSD from a violent alcoholic father, never completed her high school education, but the sweetest most caring person I know. But not without a very anxious disposition that felt palpable to me as a child. Father has significant childhood issues that have stunted his growth as an adult, bouncing between homelessness and living with friends, owning a business that has been stagnant for 25 years. Rarely working.
Growing up, my father abused steroids as well as other illegal substances. Violent temper without being directly abusive to my mother. Always treated me and my brother as competition rather than children; serial cheater and kicked my mother out of our childhood home during a low point in her life. Was the first person in my life to offer me drugs - weed at 15 and later painkillers at 22, which lead to a 3 year addiction that was the closest thing to death I’ve experienced. I was doing so many that my drug dealer (the man who profited most from my addiction), convinced me to stop and gave me suboxone. He didn’t want a body on his conscience.
I used that experience as a launchpad to throw myself into everything that I knew was objectively healthy. I created rigid structure and routines (running every other day, eating healthy, gym, went back to school for teaching). Because of this, my professional life and self esteem have improved. The medications have helped me to continue to lessen my symptoms of depression and ADHD. I also have friends who gave me positive, healthy examples of how to be a successful adult. They allow me to function well in areas of my life, except for relationships.
The “a-ha!” symptom for me was reading about the freeze response. Prior to SSRIs; any vulnerable moment in a relationship would cause me to go into a state of paralysis in which it felt like all my awareness concentrated directly into my own brain and my limbs would feel numb. I would go nonverbal for minutes to hours from the threat of vulnerability and the feeling of impending abandonment.
Every relationship in my life has been plagued with my apathetic attitude towards commitment. Refusing to allow myself to be vulnerable or loving even when my partners are pouring their hearts out to me begging for something, anything in return. Every relationship I’ve been in has ended with the gut punch of “I hope you get the help you need.” I have been an absolute emotional drain on so many women, and it destroys my self esteem to think about it.
This attitude I have; of refusing to admit something I want, goes back to my earliest memories. Refusing to admit my needs to anyone, and being utterly destroyed when they are not met. I cannot seem to break the emotional flashbacks that bring those feelings back. I am at a breaking point and my most recent breakup was particularly brutal, and I’m feeling absolutely hopeless that I will ever find the capacity to accept and express love with a partner.
As well as the breakup, this year has been my first experience with a parent having being sick, and the realization that I could very well end up losing someone that I wished to have a better relationship with but allowed the interpersonal apathy to win and create distance between us (my mother, my father I keep at a healthy distance). I broke down when my mother told me that she was happy to see me more as a result of her health issues. My spirit felt completely broken and I don’t know I’ve ever felt more out of touch with my humanity between that moment and the breakup. It has been a year from hell.
Hoping to hear from anyone who has been able to work on these symptoms, and hoping to find a more specific and suitable therapist that specializes in CPTSD especially in navigating interpersonal relationships. Appreciate everything I’ve read on here and hoping that I can continue to be vulnerable
Background: Mother has CPTSD from a violent alcoholic father, never completed her high school education, but the sweetest most caring person I know. But not without a very anxious disposition that felt palpable to me as a child. Father has significant childhood issues that have stunted his growth as an adult, bouncing between homelessness and living with friends, owning a business that has been stagnant for 25 years. Rarely working.
Growing up, my father abused steroids as well as other illegal substances. Violent temper without being directly abusive to my mother. Always treated me and my brother as competition rather than children; serial cheater and kicked my mother out of our childhood home during a low point in her life. Was the first person in my life to offer me drugs - weed at 15 and later painkillers at 22, which lead to a 3 year addiction that was the closest thing to death I’ve experienced. I was doing so many that my drug dealer (the man who profited most from my addiction), convinced me to stop and gave me suboxone. He didn’t want a body on his conscience.
I used that experience as a launchpad to throw myself into everything that I knew was objectively healthy. I created rigid structure and routines (running every other day, eating healthy, gym, went back to school for teaching). Because of this, my professional life and self esteem have improved. The medications have helped me to continue to lessen my symptoms of depression and ADHD. I also have friends who gave me positive, healthy examples of how to be a successful adult. They allow me to function well in areas of my life, except for relationships.
The “a-ha!” symptom for me was reading about the freeze response. Prior to SSRIs; any vulnerable moment in a relationship would cause me to go into a state of paralysis in which it felt like all my awareness concentrated directly into my own brain and my limbs would feel numb. I would go nonverbal for minutes to hours from the threat of vulnerability and the feeling of impending abandonment.
Every relationship in my life has been plagued with my apathetic attitude towards commitment. Refusing to allow myself to be vulnerable or loving even when my partners are pouring their hearts out to me begging for something, anything in return. Every relationship I’ve been in has ended with the gut punch of “I hope you get the help you need.” I have been an absolute emotional drain on so many women, and it destroys my self esteem to think about it.
This attitude I have; of refusing to admit something I want, goes back to my earliest memories. Refusing to admit my needs to anyone, and being utterly destroyed when they are not met. I cannot seem to break the emotional flashbacks that bring those feelings back. I am at a breaking point and my most recent breakup was particularly brutal, and I’m feeling absolutely hopeless that I will ever find the capacity to accept and express love with a partner.
As well as the breakup, this year has been my first experience with a parent having being sick, and the realization that I could very well end up losing someone that I wished to have a better relationship with but allowed the interpersonal apathy to win and create distance between us (my mother, my father I keep at a healthy distance). I broke down when my mother told me that she was happy to see me more as a result of her health issues. My spirit felt completely broken and I don’t know I’ve ever felt more out of touch with my humanity between that moment and the breakup. It has been a year from hell.
Hoping to hear from anyone who has been able to work on these symptoms, and hoping to find a more specific and suitable therapist that specializes in CPTSD especially in navigating interpersonal relationships. Appreciate everything I’ve read on here and hoping that I can continue to be vulnerable
