Trying to overcome an "ableism" conditioning

[Ecdysis]

So, in my family growing up, being disabled was "not an option".

I'm not even sure entirely what that means...

I think if I'd been physically disabled... it would've meant even more abuse and neglect.

Because my disability wasn't physical, I was told to basically "suck it up" and "cover it up" and "hide it" so that I could "pass" as non-disabled.

That mindset sits so deep.

I think because one of my parents was narcissitic, the intensity of this runs especially deep. This idea that you need to be a "model child" to be paraded around as part of that parent's narcissitic madness...

Ever since I left home, I've had to be a workaholic and an achievaholic, in terms of getting by and surviving and so I've tried to ignore/ suppress/ cover-up my disability as much as possible ever since.

Part of that is also keeping PTSD as much of a secret as possible - only ever letting a handful of my closest friends know.

For a few years now, I've been at the total low-point of my life in terms of functioning. I've not been coping at all and my depression has gotten worse and worse so that I'm no longer able to work and not even coping with stuff like household chores anymore... Last year I finally caved and applied for an assisted living programme (which I'm also keeping a secret from all but a tiny handful of friends).

I'm finding it sooo, sooo hard to identify as disabled... And if I do, then all that ableism from my family of origin comes up and it feels like doom... like the world as I know it is going to end if I come to terms with, face, accept and identify as being disabled.

The thing is, it's not longer an option for me to cover it up and compensate for it so that "no one can tell". I'm beyond that now. Not an option. And as I'm nearing 50, I'm feeling like that window has well and truly passed... That crazy-invincible-energy of youth that used to carry me through the most difficult situations... that's gone... I'm entering middle age and my energy levels are never going to be at a level again where I can pass as non-disabled.

In a way, I'm relieved about that. It's been beyond exhausting carrying that legacy and that "task" and using up almost all my energy on trying to fulfill a basically unfulfillable task. So there's some relief at finally being able to drop that and say "that's simply not my job anymore".

But I'm really struggling with the identifying as disabled thing...

It's stupid, because I know a lot of folks with a disability and I know they're good people... It's not that my own brain thinks "disability is a bad thing".

But my conditioning, my childhood programming runs so deep that I seem to be convinced that disability is a dangerous/ unsafe thing... at least for me... and that bad things will happen... like doom type things will happen...

It feels like some family taboo... That there must not be any disabled people in our family, or else... Which is insane...

 

[arfie]

my family baggage runs to the contrary because of the potential for disability benefits, but i object to calling myself, "disabled" because it disables my healing drive. defend your limitations and, sure enough, they are yours for life. government sponsored poverty doesn't appeal to me as much as "the easy life" does to my sibs, etc.

yes, i am injured and need to ply honest acceptance to my symptoms for the sake of healing, but i believe healing CAN happen and want to stay open to the healing potentials.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Hearing you. You know mine is from a physical health perspective, but in the end denying my need for aid/ equipment was actually causing me more disability. By refusing to use the tools I needed, because I didn't want to be disabled, because I 'wasn't disabled enough' I was ending up doing the very opposite and making myself worse.

If you can allow yourself to recieve the aid and adaptation and input you need, you deserve, maybe the symptoms will be easier to manage, and in turn, your disability becomes actually less of an issue?

 

[Movingforward10]

think because one of my parents was narcissitic, the intensity of this runs especially deep.

I think this is a really big issue. With narcisstic parents you can't have any need. None. Anything that needs attention from them (whether big or small) is a BAD thing. You turn into a bad thing. Your needs are a bad thing. There is only room for that model child. And a model child needs nothing.

If you can shift all the fleas or shackles off that this type of parenting instils in you, you can free yourself from the narcissistic lies. And see the nonsense that it was. Children have needs. That's all they have!

And therefore having needs now is ok. Whatever those needs are, be they needs arising out of changing health and that being categorised as disabled.
It's all ok.
If having the category of disabled helps you to get services and support to improve your life: then it can only be a good thing.

You're taking so many brave steps to help yourself.

 

[Teasel]

Something that helped me was exposure to people with my disability who are totally cool about it. Had some sessions with a woman for autistics who have realised they are autistic late in life.

Seeing her just be herself unapologetically melted feelings of shame I'd had about it.

 

[Rose White]

I think this is a really big issue. With narcisstic parents you can't have any need. None. Anything that needs attention from them (whether big or small) is a BAD thing. You turn into a bad thing. Your needs are a bad thing. There is only room for that model child. And a model child needs nothing.

Whoa . This hit me straight on. It was such a point of pride to have no needs but the painful thing was not being perfect—that’s how the self-betrayal and shame cycles set in. And then also to believe that I had the power to fix all my dad’s tantrums, my mom’s meltdowns, and anyone in the world’s tantrums felt like a super power. Religions talked about being selfless and that was just second nature to me (was I like Jesus? ) and so on…

 

[Ecdysis]

I think this is a really big issue. With narcisstic parents you can't have any need. None. Anything that needs attention from them (whether big or small) is a BAD thing. You turn into a bad thing. Your needs are a bad thing. There is only room for that model child. And a model child needs nothing.

Yeah, I think this is the core issue...

I'm annoyed that it still seems to have a hold on my subconscious, so many decades later...

I guess I'm going to just have to keep pushing through this... When I first applied for the assisted living programme and the legal guardian, both those things felt impossible and like my life would implode and so much shame around it... it felt like I was not going to be able to adapt to it. And yet, only a few months/ weeks later, I have adapted to it and while it doesn't feel "fine" it certainly doesn't feel impossible anymore.

So maybe the way to convince my subconscious that this is do-able is to do it and then to have my subconsicious observe that the fallout is minimal and certainly no doom scenario.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm annoyed that it still seems to have a hold on my subconscious, so many decades later...

Totally understandable. But also understandable that the impact of this abuse shows itself in various ways throughout life, given her subtle and corrosive it was in childhood.

And yet, only a few months/ weeks later, I have adapted to it and while it doesn't feel "fine" it certainly doesn't feel impossible anymore.

Amazing! Love this. Showing difference by action.

So maybe the way to convince my subconscious that this is do-able is to do it and then to have my subconsicious observe that the fallout is minimal and certainly no doom scenario.

Yes! And also adult you holding the knowledge and belief that what you're doing is totally ok. It's self care.
Impressive.