The past few days have been such a struggle for me. I feel alone and terribly depressed. I want to be alone most of the time. I struggle to get out of bed and get myself to work. I don't want to celebrate Mother's Day, it is to hard for me.
A little back history, I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD from physical/verbal/emotional abuse as a child from both of my parents. Both are alcoholics. I was removed from the home at 14, put into a hospital (because they said they had no other place for me), they lost custody of me during this time. My grandmother (my mother's mother) stepped up and took legal guardianship of me. She loved me enough to not allow me to get lost in the NYC foster care system. I am also adopted. My grandmother became my mother as my parents spiraled even further into mental illness.
6 years ago, on the verge of making a huge move from the city to the country, I found my parents living in squalor. A flithy hoard. 10 inches of garbage on the floor, filthy laundry piled as high as you can believe, human feces everywhere in the bathroom, infestation of roaches and other vermin. I had to call APS and had them removed from the home and they are now in separate nursing homes as wards of the state. The hardest thing I ever did. All the while I had my grandmother's guidance and blessing for what I had to do to her daughter.
I tried to focus on my marriage and I had a baby. 31 days after giving birth to my first child, my first blood & flesh relative, my grandmother passed away suddenly from a brain tumor. I spoke to her on Friday and she was gone on Sunday. We were looking forward to a trip to see her so she could meet her great granddaughter. I miss her so much. I ache everyday. My husband doesn't understand the level of my pain. I think I might be having a delayed reaction to grieving for her, because I had an infant to take care. My therapist thinks because of the pregnancy I had (really tough) and the loss of my one constant champion in life has blown this PTSD thing wide open.
I feel such guilt for the decision I made. Physically sick. Yes, I know in my heart that it was the right thing to do and I not only saved their lives, but saved the lives of the other tenants in the building. My mother was a smoker and there were burnt paper in the apartment, so I knew she was dropping her cigarettes. She could have started a fire in that building. My husband and his family don't understand the pain that I'm in. They think I should just cut my parents off. I don't why I can't. My mother-in-law told me that I don't stop allowing my parents to upset me I was going to lose my marriage! What? Why? Because I'm hurting, depressed, guilty, and I cry a lot. I do a lot of my crying privately so as not to bring everyone down.
So today buying Mother's Day cards, I just wept in the aisle.
To add to the all of this stress, I own my own business. A small gift boutique. The winter was terrible and I tried to negotiate a winter rent with the landlord, who basically ignored me. The rent is still being raised and the landlord wants us out right at the beginning of our busiest season. I'm beside myself. Not sure what to do, with the exception of closing the store in the next 3 weeks. I don't know if I have the strength to do this. I just want to stay in bed and cry. There is so much more I want to write, but I have to pull myself together since I'm in the store trying to conduct business. What a joke.
A little back history, I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD from physical/verbal/emotional abuse as a child from both of my parents. Both are alcoholics. I was removed from the home at 14, put into a hospital (because they said they had no other place for me), they lost custody of me during this time. My grandmother (my mother's mother) stepped up and took legal guardianship of me. She loved me enough to not allow me to get lost in the NYC foster care system. I am also adopted. My grandmother became my mother as my parents spiraled even further into mental illness.
6 years ago, on the verge of making a huge move from the city to the country, I found my parents living in squalor. A flithy hoard. 10 inches of garbage on the floor, filthy laundry piled as high as you can believe, human feces everywhere in the bathroom, infestation of roaches and other vermin. I had to call APS and had them removed from the home and they are now in separate nursing homes as wards of the state. The hardest thing I ever did. All the while I had my grandmother's guidance and blessing for what I had to do to her daughter.
I tried to focus on my marriage and I had a baby. 31 days after giving birth to my first child, my first blood & flesh relative, my grandmother passed away suddenly from a brain tumor. I spoke to her on Friday and she was gone on Sunday. We were looking forward to a trip to see her so she could meet her great granddaughter. I miss her so much. I ache everyday. My husband doesn't understand the level of my pain. I think I might be having a delayed reaction to grieving for her, because I had an infant to take care. My therapist thinks because of the pregnancy I had (really tough) and the loss of my one constant champion in life has blown this PTSD thing wide open.
I feel such guilt for the decision I made. Physically sick. Yes, I know in my heart that it was the right thing to do and I not only saved their lives, but saved the lives of the other tenants in the building. My mother was a smoker and there were burnt paper in the apartment, so I knew she was dropping her cigarettes. She could have started a fire in that building. My husband and his family don't understand the pain that I'm in. They think I should just cut my parents off. I don't why I can't. My mother-in-law told me that I don't stop allowing my parents to upset me I was going to lose my marriage! What? Why? Because I'm hurting, depressed, guilty, and I cry a lot. I do a lot of my crying privately so as not to bring everyone down.
So today buying Mother's Day cards, I just wept in the aisle.
To add to the all of this stress, I own my own business. A small gift boutique. The winter was terrible and I tried to negotiate a winter rent with the landlord, who basically ignored me. The rent is still being raised and the landlord wants us out right at the beginning of our busiest season. I'm beside myself. Not sure what to do, with the exception of closing the store in the next 3 weeks. I don't know if I have the strength to do this. I just want to stay in bed and cry. There is so much more I want to write, but I have to pull myself together since I'm in the store trying to conduct business. What a joke.
