We went back to a hard target yesterday. Last time it left me disassociating etc. We took a break and worked on " smaller" targets and that helped. Now we are back on this one and I started off with pretty high stress about it. It's a target I have fragmented memories. I keep trying to put someone else in there, but everytime I try to work through this I end up coming back to my dad abusing me even though i find it so hard to process that idea. It makes me crazy. Deep down I know its true, but i cant handle what that feels like. In a weird way, my brain going to my dad doing the abuse made me feel better during the session. Like child me was okay because it's my dad..and dad is safe. Ha. I do what dad wants and all is well. Funny...I still feel that way at times as an adult. Just make dad happy. Even though later in life i always felt uncomfortable with him.. My distress level went to zero and my brain seemed to just turn off during reprocessing. I couldn't process it anymore. Its like i was okay with it, but I wasnt. Usually emotions don't hit me until I leave a session. In the car I just felt sick and had to work through things. The story line fit...but then I remember dad being " good" to me and its so confusing. He used to blessed before bed. The abuse seemed to stop around age 6 or 7 ( aside from a random episode that I remember was done out of punishment). My relationship with my dad changed drastically at that point. He was nice...but distant from me from then on. My relationship with him is very different then my siblings. I remember my dad asking me how I could hurt him once ( it was something small and random). Now I feel sick. Idk how to reprocess this without believing it's true, but I feel like a terrible person for believing my dad, who is now a sad, hopeless, depressed person, did these things. My emotions bounce between being okay and feeling like I can't handle it anymore. I feel terrible today. I don't know if I cam handle this...
EMDR...Hard Target and really struggling
- Post starter Quassus
- Start date
oh!theperspicacity
New Here
What an awful place to be in. I'm so sorry. Sounds so frightening. I guess each time you come back to this, the processing can occur and you will eventually come to terms with it. You're certainly not a terrible person for believing it. Most outsiders would say your dad is a terrible person for doing it but I think good people can still make mistakes and perhaps the distance between you is your dad realising that and a way for him to cope. Leaves you conflicted though.
One thing that struck me was how you said this target is fragmented. My psychologist and I leave the fragmented memories untouched until it's all completely resurfaced to avoid doubt. Different approach I guess.
One thing that struck me was how you said this target is fragmented. My psychologist and I leave the fragmented memories untouched until it's all completely resurfaced to avoid doubt. Different approach I guess.
arfie
Diamond Member
i have never done emdr, but my recovery from trauma induced amnesia has given me a great deal of experience with repressed and fragmented memories. i never push them. pushing to easily results in self-gaslighting and even delusional memories. when i hit blocks such as you are describing, i found it much easier to skirt around the sore spot and deal with the fears, etc., festering around the sore spot. kinda like cleaning the outer edges of a wound before you start getting aggressive with that festering, tender heart of the wound.
easy does it, quassus. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.
easy does it, quassus. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.
- Post starter
- #4
Thank you. This is sort of the conclusion I came to yesterday as I felt my brain was going nuts. Writing down facts that I know to be true. Truths, feelings and beliefs that I do not question. I need to deal with those because they are tangible. The rest has to sit or ill loose my mind.
