Greetings to you all. I apologize If this is not the right place to ask, if the post becomes too long... but I need some opinions on this. I request your help to help someone else who doesn't want to go see a professional, despite his severe emotional condition. Thoughts, opinions, advice... is welcome. I have friends and especially those people I helped to heal up to back me up with this, but I fear the current person is exceeding my current level of knowledge.
I've helped people get over suicidal thoughts and manic depressions, but this "case" i have before me now is boggling my mind. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. I'm not a professional, I am merely a carer by heart, and have had my own share of experience with the ugly sides of life.
This forum has already helped me to get some insight of a PTSD's sufferer's mind, yet uncertainty is still on my side.
The story:
I met a fellow graphics artist online in a forum, where I had posted a single comic strip to the entertainment of the users. He seemed to be quite fond of my comic, and so we came to exchange words and artworks a while later.
It was a time where I drew a lot of short 'toons just for him to make him feel better. He seemed very sad, but at this point I had no clue why. Only my silly cartoons could get him to drop his sadness for a while, and get him to laugh. A lot.
A while later he told me that he was in a rather unstable condition. (flashbacks, sleeping disorders, nightmares, depressions, outrageous mood swings, feeling of hopeless- and worthlessness followed by a brief fit of extreme self confidence, lack of perspective...) His long-term girlfriend AND his father (to which he seemed to have been rather close) had died in a rather short timespan one after another. Sudden heart failure. His late girlfriend... I haven't dared to ask. "In the end, she was a nursing case." It's all I need to know.
When I showed up in his life, his gf only died about two months before. His real-life stuff seemed to go totally out of control. He had been emotionally shattered, and it didn't take a genius to figure out why.
It took me about two seconds to decide to book a trip to his hometown and visit him, despite the fact that I had only known him for about 2 weeks at this point. It was crazy, but it was the right decision. I stayed a week at his place, and things were worse than I expected.
I made some assumptions from the pictures he painted me until then (grim, dark, threatening) but that was just a slight hint of what was to come.
I had prepared myself with knowledge as good as I could under all the anxiety, but even that wasn't enough. It took me a month to finally realize what was going in his head back then when I visited him. So broken beyond belief...
At times he would just lie down and zone out. Luckily he allowed me to give him a hug or just be there for him when that happened. What I did not know then: it were the times when he had intense flashbacks. He hid them well, for that I did not notice, but his mood changes were drastic. He could be happy one moment and be sad the next, but unable to cry or show true emotion. His overall state could be described as broken - beyond sad.
Although we had some romantical advances going on prior to my visit, shortly after my arrival, things froze over. I first put the blame on myself (well, not everything can be a good match, right?) but from the way he acted and *apologized* for not showing that much emotion, the problem seems to lie elsewhere, and I have a good guess where.
At first I believed it would be normal grief. But normal grief does not come with flashbacks that worsen even after the course of five months, along with everything that could be considered PTSD. Things get even more awful when he's out for "social drinking". It moves him into a deep spiral of depression, flashbacks and fits of guilt towards me. Phrases like "I don't know what to do with you." "I am an unworthy person" I am just mistreating and abusing you, aren't I?" "I am such a looser..." are common during these phases. Yesterday he left me a whole message like this at 4am in the morning. Naturally, after he logged on at noon, I asked him If he would like to explain this to me in the evening after he fully sobered up. He agreed, an so we talked.
I probably pushed a little far at this point. I was a little nervous because our relationship is drifting between "best friend" and "couple" and I couldn't quite fathom why. (We had a splendid time during my visit regardless, so...). I was telling myself that he was still attached to his late gf, which I do respect. But his rather erratic behavior supports my PTSD theory. One time he's pushing me away, the next he's holding me close. One time he considers giving in to pretty women in his area, the next he is praising me as his saviour.
If I wouldn't have had my share of experience with emotionally wounded people, I would've probably gone insane by now. I am keeping my distance as far as I can, but I still cannot deny my feelings for him. I just try not to surface it overly often (romantically) and try to give him the space he needs, mostly encouraging him to make a move. I channel my emotions without words, through my artworks, my comics, and the small gestures such as putting a good digital emote-coffee on his instant messenger window when he needs one.
He responds throughout positively to these small things, so much that he even values my advice on him quitting smoking & social drinking, doing more sports and seek out other activities away from the computer.
As usual, I am not lecturing him or forcing him to do something, I am mostly encouraging him to do these things on his own.
Yet, he won't agree to see a professional. I've surfaced this topic by telling him that I was reading an article about PTSD because it interests me and because I wanted to know more about flashbacks. At this point he nearly freaked out and told me that he doesn't think highly of "so called professionals" and said that I should not even THINK of trying to analyze him. (Eh...I've been doing this all along? Oh well.)
Also he's very insisting on keeping his grief for himself. "It's my problem, not something you should concern yourself with." Fine by me. Up to the point that I want to help him get over his volatile emotional condition, because it is influencing his work and his (our?) love life.
My next steps would be trying to help him through Yoga and Meditation, if I ever get a chance to see him again before the condition worsens. His flashbacks seem to have increased in frequency recently, which is a step back from the progress we had when the romantic thing wasn't going on, and he was going out social drinking less.
Since he refuses to go see a professional, I'm on my own here, and seek your advice. Should I stay this course? Should I keep the relationship on such a low romantic level? I have no trouble with that, mind you, although I do want a clear answer at some point in the future...cause "oh surprise, I've been cheating on you!" is a deal breaker for me.
Do you have any more suggestions what I could try to help him? Heck... are my assumptions even correct? I am worried, and running out of ideas here.
Keep on helping....
-Ivy :hello:
I've helped people get over suicidal thoughts and manic depressions, but this "case" i have before me now is boggling my mind. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. I'm not a professional, I am merely a carer by heart, and have had my own share of experience with the ugly sides of life.
This forum has already helped me to get some insight of a PTSD's sufferer's mind, yet uncertainty is still on my side.
The story:
I met a fellow graphics artist online in a forum, where I had posted a single comic strip to the entertainment of the users. He seemed to be quite fond of my comic, and so we came to exchange words and artworks a while later.
It was a time where I drew a lot of short 'toons just for him to make him feel better. He seemed very sad, but at this point I had no clue why. Only my silly cartoons could get him to drop his sadness for a while, and get him to laugh. A lot.
A while later he told me that he was in a rather unstable condition. (flashbacks, sleeping disorders, nightmares, depressions, outrageous mood swings, feeling of hopeless- and worthlessness followed by a brief fit of extreme self confidence, lack of perspective...) His long-term girlfriend AND his father (to which he seemed to have been rather close) had died in a rather short timespan one after another. Sudden heart failure. His late girlfriend... I haven't dared to ask. "In the end, she was a nursing case." It's all I need to know.
When I showed up in his life, his gf only died about two months before. His real-life stuff seemed to go totally out of control. He had been emotionally shattered, and it didn't take a genius to figure out why.
It took me about two seconds to decide to book a trip to his hometown and visit him, despite the fact that I had only known him for about 2 weeks at this point. It was crazy, but it was the right decision. I stayed a week at his place, and things were worse than I expected.
I made some assumptions from the pictures he painted me until then (grim, dark, threatening) but that was just a slight hint of what was to come.
I had prepared myself with knowledge as good as I could under all the anxiety, but even that wasn't enough. It took me a month to finally realize what was going in his head back then when I visited him. So broken beyond belief...
At times he would just lie down and zone out. Luckily he allowed me to give him a hug or just be there for him when that happened. What I did not know then: it were the times when he had intense flashbacks. He hid them well, for that I did not notice, but his mood changes were drastic. He could be happy one moment and be sad the next, but unable to cry or show true emotion. His overall state could be described as broken - beyond sad.
Although we had some romantical advances going on prior to my visit, shortly after my arrival, things froze over. I first put the blame on myself (well, not everything can be a good match, right?) but from the way he acted and *apologized* for not showing that much emotion, the problem seems to lie elsewhere, and I have a good guess where.
At first I believed it would be normal grief. But normal grief does not come with flashbacks that worsen even after the course of five months, along with everything that could be considered PTSD. Things get even more awful when he's out for "social drinking". It moves him into a deep spiral of depression, flashbacks and fits of guilt towards me. Phrases like "I don't know what to do with you." "I am an unworthy person" I am just mistreating and abusing you, aren't I?" "I am such a looser..." are common during these phases. Yesterday he left me a whole message like this at 4am in the morning. Naturally, after he logged on at noon, I asked him If he would like to explain this to me in the evening after he fully sobered up. He agreed, an so we talked.
I probably pushed a little far at this point. I was a little nervous because our relationship is drifting between "best friend" and "couple" and I couldn't quite fathom why. (We had a splendid time during my visit regardless, so...). I was telling myself that he was still attached to his late gf, which I do respect. But his rather erratic behavior supports my PTSD theory. One time he's pushing me away, the next he's holding me close. One time he considers giving in to pretty women in his area, the next he is praising me as his saviour.
If I wouldn't have had my share of experience with emotionally wounded people, I would've probably gone insane by now. I am keeping my distance as far as I can, but I still cannot deny my feelings for him. I just try not to surface it overly often (romantically) and try to give him the space he needs, mostly encouraging him to make a move. I channel my emotions without words, through my artworks, my comics, and the small gestures such as putting a good digital emote-coffee on his instant messenger window when he needs one.
He responds throughout positively to these small things, so much that he even values my advice on him quitting smoking & social drinking, doing more sports and seek out other activities away from the computer.
As usual, I am not lecturing him or forcing him to do something, I am mostly encouraging him to do these things on his own.
Yet, he won't agree to see a professional. I've surfaced this topic by telling him that I was reading an article about PTSD because it interests me and because I wanted to know more about flashbacks. At this point he nearly freaked out and told me that he doesn't think highly of "so called professionals" and said that I should not even THINK of trying to analyze him. (Eh...I've been doing this all along? Oh well.)
Also he's very insisting on keeping his grief for himself. "It's my problem, not something you should concern yourself with." Fine by me. Up to the point that I want to help him get over his volatile emotional condition, because it is influencing his work and his (our?) love life.
My next steps would be trying to help him through Yoga and Meditation, if I ever get a chance to see him again before the condition worsens. His flashbacks seem to have increased in frequency recently, which is a step back from the progress we had when the romantic thing wasn't going on, and he was going out social drinking less.
Since he refuses to go see a professional, I'm on my own here, and seek your advice. Should I stay this course? Should I keep the relationship on such a low romantic level? I have no trouble with that, mind you, although I do want a clear answer at some point in the future...cause "oh surprise, I've been cheating on you!" is a deal breaker for me.
Do you have any more suggestions what I could try to help him? Heck... are my assumptions even correct? I am worried, and running out of ideas here.
Keep on helping....
-Ivy :hello:
