Orglethorp
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I've been going through a particularly rough period of nightmares and bedtime panic attacks since last Thursday. I think I've got another piece of the puzzle resurfacing about my childhood abuse, because the narrative of the dreams are consistent and I'm remembering them clearly days later.
Last night, however, when I told Peter (my partner) about these nightmares, I started thinking (somewhat involuntarily) about similar periods of consistent nightmares in my past. I told him about some of the nightmares I used to have as a child. Then I recalled one that made me quite distressed and brought up some questions that I can't answer.
TRIGGER WARNING! I'm about to describe the childhood nightmare.
Starting at age 4 and recurring for several years afterward, I would have a recurring nightmare wherein I end up trapped in a fire; usually a house fire. While trapped in the fire, trying to get out, I would always look down at my hands at some point and see the flesh melting off my fingers.
Around the same time, I also started having dreams of watching a surveillance video of myself being run over by a vehicle. Since I remembered these dreams so clearly and I was so young, I had to check to make sure they were dreams. I remember asking my mother about that one, whether or not it actually happened, and something about the way she responded made me decide (at just 4 or 5 years old) that she couldn't handle hearing those things, and I shouldn't tell her any more.
I was abused by my father (never by my mother), and I think sometimes also by his acquaintances. I say acquaintances rather than friends because I don't think he's capable of caring for others enough to truly make friends. The abuse was physical, sexual and verbal. He would also lie to us, pit my sister and I against each other in silly arguments, and leave us in public places. He was a reckless driver, but we were never in an accident, nor did he ever cause one in my presence.
I have never actually been severely burned, trapped in a burning building, or hit by a car.
Why did I see those things so clearly in my nightmares over and over again starting at such a young age? What on earth was I exposed to, to be able to envision melting flesh at 4 years old?
I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night in total, and I'm now on campus until Peter gets off work in about 10.5 hours. I only have 2 1-hour lectures and a short computer lab today to distract me.
Last night, however, when I told Peter (my partner) about these nightmares, I started thinking (somewhat involuntarily) about similar periods of consistent nightmares in my past. I told him about some of the nightmares I used to have as a child. Then I recalled one that made me quite distressed and brought up some questions that I can't answer.
TRIGGER WARNING! I'm about to describe the childhood nightmare.
Starting at age 4 and recurring for several years afterward, I would have a recurring nightmare wherein I end up trapped in a fire; usually a house fire. While trapped in the fire, trying to get out, I would always look down at my hands at some point and see the flesh melting off my fingers.
Around the same time, I also started having dreams of watching a surveillance video of myself being run over by a vehicle. Since I remembered these dreams so clearly and I was so young, I had to check to make sure they were dreams. I remember asking my mother about that one, whether or not it actually happened, and something about the way she responded made me decide (at just 4 or 5 years old) that she couldn't handle hearing those things, and I shouldn't tell her any more.
I was abused by my father (never by my mother), and I think sometimes also by his acquaintances. I say acquaintances rather than friends because I don't think he's capable of caring for others enough to truly make friends. The abuse was physical, sexual and verbal. He would also lie to us, pit my sister and I against each other in silly arguments, and leave us in public places. He was a reckless driver, but we were never in an accident, nor did he ever cause one in my presence.
I have never actually been severely burned, trapped in a burning building, or hit by a car.
Why did I see those things so clearly in my nightmares over and over again starting at such a young age? What on earth was I exposed to, to be able to envision melting flesh at 4 years old?
I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night in total, and I'm now on campus until Peter gets off work in about 10.5 hours. I only have 2 1-hour lectures and a short computer lab today to distract me.
