Childhood Recognizing and Escaping the Scapegoat Role

[deno]

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the long-term effects of scapegoating in families and social circles. When you grow up in that role, it can take years—sometimes decades—to realize that the way you were treated wasn’t just difficult but was actually a pattern of blame, exclusion, and manipulation. It affects how you see yourself, how you interact with others, and how you interpret situations where you’re not actually at fault.

For those who have experienced scapegoating, when did you first recognize it for what it was? What helped you start breaking free from its effects? Have you been able to redefine your self-worth outside of that role, or does it still impact you today?

I’d love to hear how others have navigated this. Did you find support, or was it something you had to work through alone?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Great topic. I was the scapegoat in my family. My abuse started pre verbal so I was acting out early. I was always the outcast in the family. The strangest thing is it has happened in my own family. I have allowed myself to be treated as a second class family member. I am excluded. My adult children scold me. I have only realized this in the past few months. I have never had any boundaries but I have one now. I don’t accept that treatment from anyone, I am a human being and as with all of us, have the right to be treated with basic decency.

 

[deno]

Thank you for sharing this. It takes incredible self-awareness to recognize that scapegoating didn’t just happen in childhood—it followed you into adulthood, shaping how you were treated in your own family. The fact that you’ve identified it and are setting boundaries now is huge. You’re absolutely right—every human being deserves basic decency, and it’s not selfish to demand that.

I relate to what you’re saying about realizing things only in the past few months. When you finally see the pattern for what it is, it’s a relief but also devastating—because you recognize how long you’ve allowed yourself to be treated as less than. I’ve spent years trying to make sense of being scapegoated in my family. At this point, I fully understand the dynamics—narcissistic control, borderline black-and-white thinking, and manipulation designed to push me out. The people responsible will never acknowledge what they’ve done, and others still believe their version of events. I know I can’t fix it or get justice, but I still struggle with the emotional weight of it all.

So I’m curious—how do you emotionally detach when you know you’ve been intentionally scapegoated and excluded, but there’s no way to change the outcome? Was there a shift in perspective that helped? Or something else that worked for you?

 

[Heather L]

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the long-term effects of scapegoating in families and social circles. When you grow up in that role, it can take years—sometimes decades—to realize that the way you were treated wasn’t just difficult but was actually a pattern of blame, exclusion, and manipulation. It affects how you see yourself, how you interact with others, and how you interpret situations where you’re not actually at fault.

For those who have experienced scapegoating, when did you first recognize it for what it was? What helped you start breaking free from its effects? Have you been able to redefine your self-worth outside of that role, or does it still impact you today?

I’d love to hear how others have navigated this. Did you find support, or was it something you had to work through alone?

So far I’ve relied on Bible verses God is real, but I don’t know as that I’m going all Jesus freak on u. I am grateful for what I have. I’ve been molested, by a man whom still lives with me so it’s like constant PTSD. I am an addict so when people gas light me or downgrade me I automatically feel like I’m imploding. Just thought I would blow that.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

It just plain hurts when it happens. For example I was not allowed to go to my youngest son’s college graduation, numerous family trips, etc. now I draw attention to it by asking why I am being treated as a second class family member. If I am out with one of the kids and they start scolding me I politely ask them for a ride home or if I drove myself I just leave. Once I saw it for what it is I had to refuse that kind of treatment, it is a bright
Line for me. I think eventually they will get it, maybe not.

 

[enough]

add the ill affects of being the lone dissenter from a cult religion and you have the ingredients for a really awful soup that lasts decades, over fifty years for me. My family of origin has been out of my life for almost fifteen years now, most are dead, but the marks left on me between the first day of the cult at age 11 and my first day of freedom at age 14 live on.

It is common and getting some recognition. There is a good book that i will reference here later when i have the title and authors name in front of me. Like most of this shit knowing as much as possible helps but at some point it is like earning a degree in meteorology and thinking you can stay dry in the rain because of it.

My biggest take away? trying to change ourselves is work enough and taking on changing our whole families is more than can be done, stop trying. Looking back, every time i was contacted or made contact after i left home was just another refresh of the false narrative that i was the problem and they had the solution. Even when they came to me looking for my help and acceptance of their apologies it lead to more frustration as soon as their needs were met. My needs were met when i met them myself, all except the need for the love of a parent. Now, I need to get over it.

 

[deno]

add the ill affects of being the lone dissenter from a cult religion and you have the ingredients for a really awful soup that lasts decades, over fifty years for me. My family of origin has been out of my life for almost fifteen years now, most are dead, but the marks left on me between the first day of the cult at age 11 and my first day of freedom at age 14 live on.
It is common and getting some recognition. There is a good book that i will reference here later when i have the title and authors name in front of me. Like most of this shit knowing as much as possible helps but at some point it is like earning a degree in meteorology and thinking you can stay dry in the rain because of it.
My biggest take away? trying to change ourselves is work enough and taking on changing our whole families is more than can be done, stop trying. Looking back, every time i was contacted or made contact after i left home was just another refresh of the false narrative that i was the problem and they had the solution. Even when they came to me looking for my help and acceptance of their apologies it lead to more frustration as soon as their needs were met. My needs were met when i met them myself, all except the need for the love of a parent. Now, I need to get over it.

Your story really resonates. The metaphor about earning a degree in meteorology but still getting wet in the rain is painfully accurate. We can learn everything about the dynamics, but the emotional wounds don’t just disappear. The realization that every interaction just reinforces the false narrative—that you were the problem—is something I’ve seen play out in my own life. The cycle doesn’t end until you stop engaging, but even then, the longing for parental love is harder to shake.

You say 'Now, I need to get over it,' but that’s easier said than done. Have you found anything that actually helps move past that unmet need? Or is it more about just learning to live with it?

 

[deno]

It just plain hurts when it happens. For example I was not allowed to go to my youngest son’s college graduation, numerous family trips, etc. now I draw attention to it by asking why I am being treated as a second class family member. If I am out with one of the kids and they start scolding me I politely ask them for a ride home or if I drove myself I just leave. Once I saw it for what it is I had to refuse that kind of treatment, it is a bright
Line for me. I think eventually they will get it, maybe not.

I deeply resonate with your experience. Being excluded from significant family events, like your youngest son's college graduation and various family trips, is profoundly painful. Recognizing these actions as scapegoating was a crucial step in my own healing journey. By setting firm boundaries—addressing the issue directly and removing myself from situations where I was disrespected—I asserted my right to be treated with basic decency. This approach not only protected my well-being but also signaled to others that such treatment was unacceptable. We deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and setting boundaries is a vital part of that process.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

That is how I see it too, but being treated as some sort of inferior family member has become so normalized that it is going to take time. At first I just left and said nothing, and nothing changed. Now I am explaining why I am leaving and that there is a bright line that can’t be crossed. I guess I just let this slip in bit by bit sine I had such low self esteem. I am improving on that front.

 

[Friday]

When dealing with “scripts & schemas” the only way I’ve ever found effective in escaping roles OTHER PEOPLE have assigned me? Is to change my environment… be around other people, in other places.

Roles I’ve assigned to myself, however? Are harder & more complex. Even if that seems counterintuitive.

***

One of my classes assigned watching This movie (Just Friends, Ryan Reynolds, if the link doesn’t work for you) when we first started studying scripts & schemas; if you’d like something dead accurate, but lighthearted/comedic, instead of super heavy.

That particular professor was reeeeeally good at 360 degree teaching… as scripts & schemas apply to ALL kinds of human relationships, not just roles people get locked into in abuse, trauma, assholery, etc.. So whenever we were studying ABC as it relates specifically to XYZ? They would counterbalance that specific focus, so that we could see how it applied to DEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW. Which made it even easier to laser focus on they myriad potential problems/solutions of the narrowed focus. As a “Here’s how it happens even in the best of times in the most loving families, long term friends/enemies, & the newest/briefest of interactions” makes “So what happens to this very human thing…. when we add in… abuse, addiction, refugees, politics, disorders, conditions, cultures, careers, etc., etc., etc.?” Kinda like knowing a song means one can still recognise it with different tempos, played off key, with the words changed around, played on different instruments, etc., as well as gaining a deeper appreciation & understanding of it played well, and the ability to predict what various components changed around will sound like. Death Metal played on a kazoo???

 

[enough]

Death Metal played on a kazoo???

love it. Paretto’s instinct for combinations. I am definitely on this side of his binary divide, this plus this played on that, gidee up!

 

[enough]

The book I referenced to earlier is titled: Rejected Shamed And Blamed by Rebecca Mandeville. Sorry, dont know how to put the italics into a phone keyboard.
I found it a great help in deciding what had been going on, and i found lots of insight into why and how. It helped me feel like part of a group of us scapegoats instead of cast away on my own lonely island.
If for no other reason I recommend it for the “check the boxes and count the points” self diagnosis chapter. My copy is worn and scribbled on.
And no, I have not found a way to get past the sense of need for approval from my family of origin. I think thats a leopard spots level problem and I gave up when they died. Getting past being angry at them is happening I think. The anger served me when they were alive and still making moves on my board and i was tempted to engage thinking the game might still be winnable, but now it has no value. Gone, no MORE damage but plenty was done.
As always, if there is a hell it waits for them, not me.