Rejecting Internalizing Family Messages Is Backfiring

[seragoo]

I saw my therapist today. My family is not really in my life. In therapy, we talked about family dynamics as a kid. My therapist had me draw a physical boundary between me and "family members" (which was just some pillows on the floor) to begin to talk about how my family's ideas and messages about me are theirs and I don't need to take them in anymore. Ok, yes, probably seems like a stupid thing to do in therapy - but it triggered the hell out of me, and not because it was silly and stupid.

I came home and I went into very severe panic. I called my therapist and told her and asked her what to do. She sent a message to me to tell me what I was experiencing was normal and to hang on through it and to take care. I didn't respond back - it's the evening before a holiday and I don't want to bother her.

It's been 7 hours of really intense panic and I'm now to the point where suicide seems viable. I have not had suicidal thoughts for quite some time, and it's scaring me. I tried calling two crisis lines and it was a disaster.

I don't understand why I am so triggered or what to do. I would appreciate any suggestions.

 

[Bihu]

If you feel suicidal... Go to an ER while you still can, or Call 999/911 if you're not able to get there yourself.

 

[Umocu]

I'm sorry you're so triggered. It sounds like your therapist isn't very attuned to how bad it is for you. If you are really feeling suicidal, I second Bihu's advice about going to an ER. Also, whether or not it is a holiday, your safety comes first. Call your therapist again if you have to and tell her how bad it is. What is happening is not your fault, and there is a reason you are reacting so strongly. I don't know what it is, but there is a reason.

It's hard to say from here why it was so triggering, but it sounds like you have some very deep entrenched messages relating to family that you'll need to work through, and perhaps your therapist is moving too fast. The next time you talk to her I think you should tell her that and work on ways of taking care of yourself and creating safety before you work any more on separating from your family. If she's a good therapist she will understand that. Creating safety is the first step in all major therapeutic models.

 

[seragoo]

I fell asleep for a few hours - now I am awake again and shaking. I am so alone. It is thanksgiving where I live and there are new friends I can go spend the day with but they are new and not,.. they are not family...

You are right that my therapist is not very attuned, and she usually is. Oddly, we were talking about the lack of attunement that my mother had in the session yesterday, maybe this is transference and if I did call my therapist again, she would finally understand.

But I can't call, it is thanksgiving.

I am so alone. Internalizing family messages is all I have left of them.

 

[Cukit]

You're experiencing "being triggered". You KNOW that. That's a good start. So, what IS "being triggered"? It's a reaction to something. It's either a reaction that's out of proportion to the perceived threat, or to a non-existent threat, or to an old obsolete threat....... In other words. the reaction is unpleasant, but it's not giving you any information that's currently useful. Knowing that, you have a choice. You can continue to treat the feelings like they have some meaning beyond what you give them, or tell yourself "feelings are not facts" and find something else to focus on.

The same it true of the holiday. You can focus on "Oh, but they're not family." Or you can go with, "This might be interesting and worthwhile" or pick something else. Does your community do a community Thanksgiving dinner? Maybe they need more volunteers to serve. Maybe the Salvation Army soup kitchen needs more volunteers to help. Look for the pluses, not the minuses.

That really doesn't sound like a stupid thing to do in therapy and, the way you reacted to it suggests that there's something there you need to work on. This might not have been the best way to work on it, or the best time. but it sounds like your relationship with your family is a problem and needs work. You're NOT alone, you have everyone here, for a start. If internalizing bad family messages is all you have left of your family, maybe you're actually better off. You're an adult now. You don't actually NEED you biological family to survive. The point of family is to grow you to adulthood, and it's things like moral support and encouragement. If you've made it to adulthood, and you're not getting anything positive from your family, there's nothing special enough there to make "family" worth worrying about. You can find support and encouragement else where. You said yourself, you have friends.

Regardless of the holiday, I'm sure your T would rather you called than killed yourself. Have you ever talked about what she wants you to do when you're feeling suicidal? If you have talked about it, what did she say? I agree with the rest. A trip to the ER is better than suicide. We all want you around.

 

[Ake]

If you think you only have the bad things left of them... You're wrong.

Suggestion : You work with your therapist on what else you have left, that you want to keep. Healthy things. Things that aren't poison. So that you don't feel so adrift.

One of the most evil people in my life, taught me to stand up for myself. Because no one else would. I don't mind attributing that to him, because it was a victory. Something I gained, when he wanted me to have nothing. That time wasn't meaningless. Wasn't wasted. I learned a skill. A necessary, vital skill. That he'd hate, and I love. He can't keep me from taking those lessons with me. He has no power over me. Which I know...from being able to take the good away from the bad.

One of the best people in my life, has influenced me a thousand ways that I hold onto. Love attributing it to them. But some of the nonsense clings, too. Removing the nonsense doesn't remove them, nor the thousand beautiful ways. It simply makes them real. 99% amazing, 1% asshole. They would want me nixing the negative. Taking the good away from the bad.

 

[seragoo]

Thank you for the suggestions and responses. It is vet helpful.

I'm signed up to volunteer at 3 thanksgiving events in my community this morning. One for the homeless and another for orphaned kids and another for the police and fire dept that are working today. All before going to a friends house at 5pm. I overbooked myself with opportunities to get out of my head on purpose.,. In trying to pull it together and go, but I'm in the midst of a storm of terrible thoughts in my head. I keep telling myself to stop, a couple people in my life would be so hurt if I died. They would be hurt.

I was triggered and it is just a trigger. You really hit the nail on the head about being and adult. I am terrified of being an adult. I can't believe how I could be. I've been an adult for a bit of time now.

I have done lots of safety planning, and I haven't really needed it for awhile now - I really need to review it again. My therapist told her I can always text or call her when my own efforts fail...

That is an idea - keep the good things of them. I don't have to completely push everything out, and there was some good. That gives me some hope right now in this moment. I did Lea some in rebuke lessons and developed some good things by enduring them and surviving them. That is there too.

I got to get out of here. Either the ER or someplace else.

 

[Ivew]

Hang in there and focus on what's outside your head, today. Enjoy the people you meet, enjoy the day as best you can. Review your safety planning. Stay safe!

 

[Tosa]

Hi, I hope you're doing a bit better....

I just want to say that I hope you don't feel those activities your therapist has you do are "stupid"... Many times they can seem stupid to us, but they are very powerful tools. I've done puppet therapy... Talk about feeling "stupid" at first! But, it was one of the most powerful things I've ever done in therapy in my life.

 

[seragoo]

I think I'm going to the ER. I took klonopin - normal dose but I have not taken it for years - and then I had 1/2 a glass of wine. I am supposed to be at a friends house. But I'm crying and panicking and now so drugged. That was a stupid idea. I don't know if I should tell my therapist. I can't do this. I can't do this anymore.

 

[Nejekuw]

The worst of it is over. I'm impressed that you made all those plans. That's the survival instinct in you. I hear you that it sounds too hard and you can't do it anymore, but for now, you need to take baby steps. Your goal is to survive through today, or if that's too much, through the next hour. Either get out of the house and around people at one of those events you signed up for, or go to the ER. It sounds like it's hard to be alone, so don't be.

I'm going to share something with you because I can relate to feeling triggered by the idea of being separate from your family. For reasons I won't go into here, I am in a situation where the assertion "you don't need your biological family to survive" doesn't feel true at all. Something I hope to work out, but it doesn't feel true at the moment. When I started remembering abuse from my childhood, it was unclear and I'm still not sure if it was true. I tried to tell myself it must have been something at school or involving someone outside the family, because believing my parents might have been involved felt like such a breach of loyalty that I hated myself for even entertaining the thought. One night when I was alone and seriously thinking about this, I was filled with overwhelming self hate and seized with an incredibly strong urge to cut myself for even thinking about it. It took all I had to stop myself doing it, sitting on my hands, taking a bath (a cold shower might have helped more). I did get through it though, and so will you. I'm wondering if there is something similar going on for you, and while I don't know the specifics of your family situation, it sounds like the thought of being completely separate from them is too terrifying to contemplate. You might need to take much smaller steps, like making one decision on your own or listing three ways you are different from them, instead of cutting the cord all at once.

Hugs to you. I know when it gets this bad you feel like no one can understand, but that's just part of the negative messages we have internalized about ourselves. Believe us, many of us have been there and do get it.

 

[Nuba]

Yes, you should tell your therapist. By all means get the to ER, we all want you to get the help you need to get through this!