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General Relationship Boundaries With PTSD

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Thanks Kathy. We have known each other professionally for almost 2 years, but personally going on 10 months or so? Dating for 8.

So I ran into a conundrum today. Things in my life continue to get worse, specifically with a custody battle over my son. She has been a great help and support to me through it all this time. Given what has happened this week, and being on hold, I have kept the newest revelations to myself.

However, she knew something was wrong with me (she's very intuitive) and asked me what was going on with my son. I really wanted to just bust out all the details, but held back soem of it. I couldn't help myself but to say what was going on though. I told her not to worry about it, that I would take care of it. She ended up rolling her eyes at me when I hesitated to answer.

So what do you do when the sufferer is asking for more information, but you know that saying it might bring more pressure on her? She says she wants to know, she is interested in it, and wants to be there for me knowing I need to vent and talk about it.

How do I handle that?
 
She is probably interested because it takes the focus off of her and her problems. If she has other things to deal with....She doesn't have to deal with her issues. Avoidance is a great tool that we all use, hhhhhmmmmmmmm and denial too... JMO.....

Wendy
 
I was thinking that too She Cat.. also she might feel guilty for leaving you hanging knowing you could use the suport. and really does care for you but just has a hard time with the emotional relationship.. and the moving in togeather part? I think everyone wants to feel needed ... so her feeling like you want and need her shoulder to vent on helps her too maybe.
 
Arashi, I have been reading your thread with great interest as you seem to be in a situation I only understand too well. I opened a thread "on-off relationship.." if you want to read some details...
I can only tell you that I know this pushing away and not letting go at the same time only too well, I have been in this for a long time. At the moment we are seperated but still we are in contact constantly. I have made the experience that him confronting with my problems did not make it any better, he is so much involved in himself all the time and I got angry when he did not even want to listen. And also it is very hard for me to constantly understand him and be there for him when nothing comes back. I know that sounds selfish and of course I feel guilty, but maybe you understand what I mean. Just want to tell you that I know what you are going through. I am at the moment trying to take care of myself also and have recieved a lot of helpful advice in this forum!
 
So what do you do when the sufferer is asking for more information, but you know that saying it might bring more pressure on her? She says she wants to know, she is interested in it, and wants to be there for me knowing I need to vent and talk about it.

I agree with the advice you have received, she could very well be trying to shift focus. However, she is an adult, and if she is asking for information directly, you should not feel the need to shield or protect her. I would answer her questions honestly. You needn't make it a huge conversation or go into details. But refusing to tell her is treating her as a child in a sense, and she is not a child. It is not as if you are forcing the information upon her; she has asked you, and so to be respectful to her, I believe you should answer. If it upsets her, she can deal with the consequences of that, as she is the one who asked in the first place.
 
That is sort of the stance I took with it Kathy, thank you. I eventually did give her some answers, but I didn't go into as much detail as I would have were we not in the situation we are in now.

I think that she will come out of this and be better able to handle these things without feeling the pressure, but right now it is too much. I know she cares, and she does watn to know. I can't be responsible for her motivations to do so, but I can decide how much I reveal or how I speak of things so that the burden doesn't shift to her in any way shape or form.

Maybe she is trying to find a distraction, but I really think it is genuine concern and interest. I mean, up until a week and a half ago this is somethign that we would have talked at length about on probably more then one occasion. It is also a habit and pattern for us and for her.

Again though...I need to be careful because I don't want to contribute to her feeling overwhelmed.
 
So here is another question. This whole thing of hers is recent in regards to letting it affect our relationship so openly. Last week was a big downswing, and Thursday showed a major upswing.

I want to talk to her more about what is going on and what I have learned depsperately...but know the timing must be right. Should I strike while the iron is hot, when she is in an upswing, or should I wait longer for her to kind of even out instead of using either side of the emotional extreme?

My instincts tell me to make a grand romantic gesture and take advantage of her good mood and "reaching out"...but I don't know if that would be just as bad as doing some desperate action while she is in a downswing. You know?
 
I think that weather you make the "Grand romantic Gesture" now or later, really isn't the point. IMO......I think that your relationship will eventually evolve....But you are still left with the fact that she has PTSD. Unless she decides to get help and work on her issues, you will always have to deal with the push-pull, up-down, in-out, yes-no, maybe-maybe not, and the anxiety, panic and everything else that we go through...

This is a long process, it never goes away, we always have it...She can learn to manage things but she needs to take the first step, by seeking out help.....

Wendy
 
I personally would do neither one of those, Arashi. I would not ignore it, nor would I make a huge display of it. I would simply casually mention, without going into details, that I had been learning about PTSD, and then let her decide whether she wants to speak more about it or not. That way you are giving her the option of how much information she wants to absorb at the moment. Additionally, she may very well know the information already, in which case she may turn on you and accuse you of being pushy or patronizing.

One thing my husband does with Evie, and you may not have a good an opportunity as you don't live with your girlfriend, however - he prints out articles from the forum here, that he believes pertain to Evie's current state of mind. He then leaves the articles where she will find them, usually at the breakfast table. It works with Evie, as she can read the information as her leisure and not feel pressured to talk before she's ready.
 
All great advice. I did not end up doing anything rash this weekend even though the temptation was very very strong.

The most I did was text her a complimenting affirmation. I used to do those things all the time, but with her wanting space I have only done it twice. I sometimes get struck by the sense that she needs to hear something positive about herself and I can't fight the urge to send her something. Twice in two weeks is a hug amount of restraint for me. :)

Ok, so here's a little thing that's been running through my head that I'd like some feedback on (and I apologiize for asking lots of questions, but not having many answers for others).

So the week before we went on break she mentioned to me that she was writing about me. She said she watched the movie '50 First Dates' and realized how incredibly romantic it was. She said she had seen it before, but it struck her this time how romantic it was. The other thing she reall ysaid about it was she had been thinking about what it means to have to get someone to fall in love with you everyday. We talked briefly about it, and I didn't ask how it pertained to me specifically.

I got to thinking this weekend, how much does she relate to that movie? In the movie Lucy has short term memory loss and Henry ends up having to get her to fall in love with him everyday because he is in love with her.

If she relates to Lucy in that she has a disability that impedes her ability to love fully, such that I would have to essentially do all those things that make her love me all of the time. What are those things that I do that she likes that gets her to fall back in love with me? These are the questions she was asking herself and I am asking myself now.

Since it feeds my instincts I am wondering if this was a subtle hint that the "grand romantic gesture" I mentioned before would have a great affect on her. She has said before how she waffles on things, gets scared, and then I do something wonderfully romantic and she remembers how great she has it. Maybe she was in need of one? Maybe she knew she was faltering greatly at that point and subconsciously was hoping I would do something to snap her out of it.

Is it too late for that now? Is she too far gone in her head? Is her frame of mind shifted too much for that to be viable? I dunno. It would be a big risk to do it since if I was rejected it would make it hard to go back to normal.

I dunno...
 
I'm not sure about the whole make you fall in love with her over and over again; however, I can relate to loving that movie.

Please let me explain. In case your not sure, I have PTSD. Now that movie.. I had to buy it after I seen it.. because I relate to the memory loss. (I'm missing 14 solid years though.. not short term.) I relate to how the family reacts is how I feel. That I can't be loved, that I'm missing a part of me.

So, anyway, most of us suffer from low self-esteem if we have PTSD. Also if it's caused from abuse there is a good chance that we don't believe that we can love or be loved, deserve love, are worthy of love etc.

So anyways, you can see where the two parts of this movie relate. This crazy guy proves, repeatedly, enthusiastically, unwaveringly, that he loves her (hence working through the self esteem issues) and also doesn't mind at all that she's missing a piece of herself that is so central to how we relate to others and the world (her memory.)

Unless you outright ask her how much she relates, you won't know and we really can't answer for you. At least though, this can give you some food for thought and perhaps a direction for conversation to understand.

bec
 
Thank you for answering Bec, excellent response. I apologize Arashi, however I have not seen the movie in question so I don't believe I can offer a proper opinion.
 
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