Relationship Questions

[BlankCanvas]

I'm having some issues right now in my relationship with my boyfriend. Just for some background, I've known my bf for a few years and we've been dating for about 8 months. We've kept things fairly casual, a lot of this is due to my struggles with anxiety and PTSD. We're both young, in our mid-20's and we usually see each other 3-4 times a week.

This is my issue right now: my boyfriend shows no interest in being part of my support network and doesn't want to hear about my PTSD because he finds it overwhelming.

I'm not sure how necessary it is for my boyfriend to be understanding and supportive with my PTSD baggage. He is aware of it and obviously accepts it, since he has been dating me this long. I know that it's my responsibility to get better and the last thing I want is an unhealthy and overly dependent relationship. I put in the work on a daily basis but I do suffer from setbacks and my panic attacks have sent me rushing out of his place a couple times. My biggest issue is that he doesn't want to hear about the PTSD and the traumas I've experienced. To me, this feels like he's trying to see only what he wants to when he looks at me, the parts that he is attracted to. But the PTSD is a huge part of my life right now. I was only 'diagnosed' in August of last year. I don't think it's healthy or normal that my boyfriend is not part of my support network?

Just to put things in perspective a bit, I've asked him little things, like if he wants me to teach him some basic things he can do in order to help me through my anxiety attacks. I've explained to him that it would help me feel safer going through them at his place, instead of rushing home. He hasn't given me a straight answer on this, he simply says "I don't know".

Anyone have some advice?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Although we are responsible for our own healing, and we should try not to be dependent on another for our needs, it is different when there are others involved.

I know that people sometimes have difficulties dealing or know what to do when PTSD arises, but you are involved in a relationship, and he is aware of the situation. IMO, for him to NOT want to do anything, or to talk about it, shows a very selfish, self centered attitude.

Your PTSD isn't going any where, and if your boyfriend can't accept this, then it may be time for you to take a second look at the relationship.

 

[Nicolette]

While Wendy and I have an uncanniness to often have opposing opinions.... :rolleyes:...I totally agree with what she has written.

 

[CaptainR]

I'd love to give you a "man's" perspective on this issue, but I don't think it's that kind of gender driven relationship problem.

What worries me most about this as I read it, is that you seem to have a realistic and appropriate expectation of what you need regarding your PTSD from a partner. And he is hesitant to even openly discuss it with you. There are a number of possible explanations, some of which you've hit on precisely, like wanting to pretend it doesn't exist and just focus on the good things.

I think that as in most things, being honest about how you're feeling about his reaction to the issue is critical. You need to articulate to him the worries you articulated in your post, and see what he feels about it. Asking for some small support when you're panicking doesn't seem like too much to ask, and if it is too much, better to find out sooner than later. Some people are afraid of PTSD sufferers. Some people think we're just weak, or faking for attention, or stuck in the past and need to move on, or insert any number of the reasons people misunderstand or are unsympathetic.

I really believe that being open, and communicating that you're not looking for a babysitter for your issues or an overly dependent relationship, but that having PTSD comes with a number of very "real" symptoms and behaviors that he will have to cope with and understand if the relationship can succeed.

Probably not helpful, but just wanted to give my two cents. Relationship issues with PTSD are SO difficult. I wish I knew the perfect answer, because I could apply it to my own life...

Also, if his reply is really, "I don't know", I hope you understand what this statement means. It doesn't mean he doesn't know. It can mean he knows, but doesn't want to be honest because he's afraid it isn't what you want to hear. Or it can mean he knows, but doesn't want to say because it will make him seem uncaring. Or it can mean he knows, but doesn't want to agree because agreeing to help might feel like a greater commitment than he's ready for, making him feel like he's commiting to being your caregiver. Or, it can mean a lot of things. One thing I do know, is that when a man says, "I don't know", it almost never means he doesn't know. It can mean he's hoping to change his mind to a more acceptable answer in his mind, but HE KNOWS how he feels about it. Just that phrase can be the springboard to a good discussion if used properly. The next time he says "I don't know" about something sensitive like that, give him permission to be honest, ask him to tell you what he's really feeling about it even if he thinks you might not like what he's going to say. But only do that when you're up for a real, calm, and mature discussion about it. He may not take the bait, but it also might get things moving in the right direction.

Good luck to you.

 

[supergirl]

I agree with SheCat and Nicolette and with you. He is does not want to see the total picture of who you are and that makes him selfish. I also agree with CaptianR "I don't know" means he does know but is not willing to be honest with you. Sounds to me like this relationship needs to go back to "friends" status. You need and deserve a partner that is willing to accept all of you and be there to support you when you are sturggling.

 

[BlankCanvas]

Thanks for the feedback, I need all the help I can get. :crazy:

I'm having a really hard time with this being the first relationship I've been in post-PTSD. My relationships before had minor anxiety/panic stuff, but never like this.

...if his reply is really, "I don't know", I hope you understand what this statement means. It doesn't mean he doesn't know. It can mean he knows, but doesn't want to be honest because he's afraid it isn't what you want to hear. Or it can mean he knows, but doesn't want to say because it will make him seem uncaring. Or it can mean he knows, but doesn't want to agree because agreeing to help might feel like a greater commitment than he's ready for, making him feel like he's commiting to being your caregiver. Or, it can mean a lot of things. One thing I do know, is that when a man says, "I don't know", it almost never means he doesn't know. It can mean he's hoping to change his mind to a more acceptable answer in his mind, but HE KNOWS how he feels about it. Just that phrase can be the springboard to a good discussion if used properly. The next time he says "I don't know" about something sensitive like that, give him permission to be honest, ask him to tell you what he's really feeling about it even if he thinks you might not like what he's going to say. But only do that when you're up for a real, calm, and mature discussion about it. He may not take the bait, but it also might get things moving in the right direction.

Thank you so much for saying this. I wasn't really buying the "I don't know" thing but I got sick of pulling teeth for answers. I don't want to become the nag or to force answers out of him, it's exhausting and it makes me the bad guy. Also, I don't want to be told something just for the sake of an answer. The times I've discussed PTSD with my bf have been chosen carefully (e.g. not immediately after a panic attack or some other issue). Being told "I don't know" time and time again is the most frustrating thing ever. To be honest, looking at what you've written above, I have a feeling that his real feelings have something do with concerns about commitment.

I think I need to have a good talk with the bf. Blech.

 

[BlankCanvas]

I agree with SheCat and Nicolette and with you. He is does not want to see the total picture of who you are and that makes him selfish. I also agree with CaptianR "I don't know" means he does know but is not willing to be honest with you. Sounds to me like this relationship needs to go back to "friends" status. You need and deserve a partner that is willing to accept all of you and be there to support you when you are sturggling.

Going back to 'friends' status is the outcome I'm afraid of. I do not cope well with the break up feelings.

 

[supergirl]

Going back to 'friends' status is the outcome I'm afraid of. I do not cope well with the break up feelings.

I hear ya on that. Break ups are always hard regardless of PTSD or no PTSD. I'm here to support you no matter the outcome. Good luck to you!

 

[Nicolette]

An after thought.....

You need to know what you are dealing with when getting involved with someone with PTSD. Not only to assist them but to save yourself from the mental struggles it causes Carers....some PTSD reactions just do not make sense and can do a sane person's head in. :rolleyes:

Would I do it all again....with Anthony yes....with someone else... I don't know. It is a big responsibility sharing your life with someone who has PTSD and if you are not willing to be 100% involved at the onset it will only get worse the longer the relationship continues as that is when the "fronts" people put up (best sides) often crumble into reality.

While the loss of a relationship is always hard; it is better ending one that will not benefit you than staying and having it crumble around you down the track once it turns unhealthy...the signs of which you can now see.:rolleyes:

 

[becvan]

My biggest issue is that he doesn't want to hear about the PTSD and the traumas I've experienced

First off I want to make this very clear. I agree with what has already been said. You very much sound like your on the right track here. (and Captain that was an awesome explanation of how men's minds work!)

But I have a question or two for you. When you say that he doesn't want to hear about the trauma's, do you mean giving him details or just the basics (as in the basic description of what type of trauma you have endured.) My reason for asking this is, it can be very difficult and overwhelming for our loved ones to hear about the actual details. Some can not even handle hearing that we were hurt. It can take loved ones a long time to be able to absorb and handle this information. (I have family members who have reacted in this exact way.)

Perhaps you could try to start a conversation and find out if hearing about your trauma's is too painful for him or too upsetting. This could very well be the entire problem.

My other question is are you talking about your traumas and your PTSD symptoms at the same time? Could he be just trying to shut if all off to avoid the trauma talking part?

I would really try to find what is bothering him about it. Pin point it. If the problem is that hearing about this is too painful or angering for him, it may take both of you awhile to find the comfortable in between.

Anyways that is an idea of what else could be the issue. I hope that helps some and I do hope you manage to get this worked out!

bec

 

[becvan]

Not only to assist them but to save yourself from the mental struggles it causes Carers....some PTSD reactions just do not make sense and can do a sane person's head in. :rolleyes:

:rofl:You are priceless, you know that? (Off topic I know)

bec

 

[Nicolette]

I would really try to find what is bothering him about it. Pin point it. If the problem is that hearing about this is too painful or angering for him, it may take both of you awhile to find the comfortable in between.

Very good point Bec and I am glad that I humour you :wink: