Relationship Woes

[vtap]

Hi

I feel childhood trauma has completely crushed my ability to have a relationship with a woman. Now approaching my 30's I'm at a loss as to how I will be able to overcome this. I've had about 37 sessions of therapy and made good strides but still I'm alone. Trauma has left me with a deep sense of shame, lack of assertiveness and low confidence when it comes to taking risks with the opposite sex. The only way right now is to self medicate and drink my way out of it. But that's not what I want to do. It is like I am craving the feeling of being loved. I try to keep myself busy to deal with this craving but being loved is a basic human need.
Is anyone else in the same boat or can relate?

 

[Papa369]

Hi:
I'm new to this site and the internet also. I too was physically/sexually abused from birth till I was 12. I often felt alone and help less. I some how manage to get thru high school. I knew I needed some strong direction enforcement or else I would end up like the rest of my family. I choose to join the Marine Corp. I not a recruiter or suggesting you join the military. I did 2 tours in Viet-Nam and I came back with a strong sense of what I really wanted and felt was important in life for me. That simply was to have a family or as I say a real family. I had many years of counselling but today I have my dream. I have been married 33 years and have 2 step children who now are adults and have blessed me with 7 grandchildren. The best thing I can tell you is to BELIEVE IN YOU. Sadly no one else can fix what has happened in the past, but you can believe in yourself and only you can change the future. You as a person are worth it, you just have to keep telling yourself that.

papa369

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Papa. Congratulations on your dream and 33 year marriage with grand children. Glad you're here.

 

[vtap]

Hi thanks for the response. Good to hear that you have managed to get success in this area eventually. Freeing myself from trauma is proving to be a tough journey and taking up most of my time. I will keep going though.

 

[marylouise]

@vtap, I wanted to say that I was numb to the desire to have an intimate relationship when I started my recovery. Embarrassing, yes, but I used to think: why would attractive people want to get married or have a boyfriend? why not just roam around and have fun with various, interesting, attractive people?

I believe that being able to acknowledge your desire for a loving relationship is the first step towards finding it. We're human and vulnerable when we acknowledge our desires. It took me a long time to be able to be so vulnerable. Your'e already there! You seem self-aware about what you need to work on. I'd just suggest making sure you share your goals with your therapist so you can get the support you need.

Oh, and I'm celebrating my sixth wedding anniversary next week. : ) Remarkable, considering what I just mentioned.

 

[vtap]

@marylouise Yeah it has taken me some time to realize what I need to work on. Most of the trauma I suffered was emotional abuse and the wounds are so deep that inside I feel repulsive or defective in some way. One can never be loved if one does not accept themselves. My behaviours or habits of mind seem to be set in stone.

 

[rondynash]

Relationships are strong and pure until we trust all the people in the relation and treat them well.

 

[anthony]

Trauma has left me with a deep sense of shame, lack of assertiveness and low confidence when it comes to taking risks with the opposite sex.

Therapy unfortunately isn't going to solve your dating life, regardless how much any therapist may think otherwise. Like you said, it is helping you with assertiveness and such, but the only way to help yourself with dating, is by speaking to the opposite sex. Use online dating sites to do nothing other than just chat with women. Be totally honest about yourself... let them know you aren't confident and such... some will reject you, some will embrace you.

Maybe try and line up some experience in those date nights, where you jump from table to table speaking with available partners. It isn't about whether you get a date from it, but it is experience in talking with the opposite sex who is in front of you, and available. Yes, you may crash and burn all of them, but learn from your mistakes and get more experience. You will eventually then build assertiveness, communication and... well... experience again.

(Most) problems, the best solution is throwing yourself in front of it and facing it square on, doing what needs to be done so its no longer a problem for you.

 

[vtap]

Maybe try and line up some experience in those date nights, where you jump from table to table speaking with available partners.

Thanks for the reply. I have tried a couple of these. What I am finding is that most women demand a confident partner and I am very hesitant and come across as anxious in some situations. This is because I feel risking rejection is unsafe - as a consequence of feeling intense emotional pain every time I was rejected throughout childhood.

If I can stop the anxiety and feel safe risking rejection then I can get somewhere.

 

[anthony]

You got me at, you've tried them. Well done. If a woman is looking for a confident partner, then they just aren't the right ones for you, is all. If you be yourself, talk to them about your vulnerability and such... show them the true you. Women want a lot of things... but just be you and there will be someone who is happy with you just the way you are. Sure, we all have to change a little when looking for a partner, but that doesn't mean being someone you aren't.

What is confidence really? You went to the random date nights... that is confidence. Many people who go to those are looking for a root... and that is usually what they get. It is a minority who come away with a real relationship of compatibility. But they are good for confidence building, and you've done them, so that says you do have confidence.

I like to go for the total honesty policy in some things I do... well... most things actually, though I tend to get the desired results that I'm looking for when I do that.

Have you tried a quality dating site, with real-time pics, and a well written, constructed, brutally honest account of who you are as a person, who you've looking for, what you want from a relationship?