openocean2234
New Here
Hello,
My SO of 4 years returned from a 10 month deployment from a combat zone in January.
At first everything was great and everyone, including him, were excited and happy he was home. As time went on I started to notice more and more little changes. He barely slept for 10 months on his deployment and could barely sleep when he got home as well. He did not like talking about what happened on his deployment and I never forced him too. I also noticed he didn't really express himself or anything anymore - except anger. When he would get drunk he would sometimes break down in tears and tell me a little here and there but that was it.
He started up work and school in May and everything was normal at first. Then I started to notice he was very stressed out (he was taking really hard classes, and he's been out of school for awhile). We started to see each other less but I didn't think anything of it at the time because I work and go to school full time as well and figured for now our schedules are just tight. He mentioned about a month ago "Something just doesn't feel right" and he asked me if I felt the same way. I said No and I wasn't sure what he was talking about. I asked him to explain and talk to me about how he's feeling and he said he doesn't know and said it's probably nothing. He then asked me to take a break because he was stressed and needed to figure out his feelings. He was practically in tears as he said this. I was heart broken - and confused. I told him I didn't do breaks and we had to work it out or end it. The next day he texted me that he was really sorry and wanted to work things out and he's just been off lately but once these classes end he feels like he will be fine.
2 weeks went by and things were semi-normal, then out of nowhere, he called me and said he needed to see me in person and he didn't feel normal and didn't think this was going to work out. We talked and he said it wasn't me but he feels like our relationship is a friendship, he's really stressed, and he doesn't have any feelings (good or bad) for anyone or anything anymore - including me, his family, his friends - he's just blank. He was almost in tears and said this is very hard for him and he's really scared nothing will change and he will feel like this forever. He said he really cares about me but he has to figure his feelings out and was hoping one day I would take him back if he could figure things out.
I was a wreck, I cried for 2 days straight, I was so upset I couldn't deal. Well his Facebook accounts were logged on to my tablet still so I decided to look. (couldn't help myself). Found nothing on Facebook but I noticed he had a tinder and looked through it. He was 'matched' with quite a few girls and looked at the messages. Nothing bad just flirty messages. He did exchange his number with one girl from the messages. These messages started about 2 weeks prior about the time he originally told me he doesn't feel right.
I freaked out, I called him at 12 AM and told him to come to my house now. He came over and I flipped out on him (like a crazy person) and he told me he was so sorry and he really did screw up. I asked him why and what he did with these girls. He told me he has been feeling so empty, and nothing he could do would help and was on the verge of committing suicide. He talked to his military buddies and they mentioned to him he should try to talk to some girls on this app. He said he tried to talk to these girls but still felt nothing. I looked through his phone and found the one girl he exchanged numbers with. Still nothing too bad but still hurt me terribly. I felt betrayed and so stupid. We have never had issues like this in the past 4 years, and he never lied to me before.
He said he never saw any of these girls or acted on anything in the messages. I looked through all of his messages, social media, emails, and pictures and found nothing more. At this point he admitted he needs help but doesn't know what to do, he said if he doesn't get help he will kill himself. He asked him if I would be willing to forgive him and work things out again. I told him under certain circumstances.
First - he had to go to the VA on Friday (this was Wednesday night) and go to the walk in mental health clinic
Second - he needed to delete the tinder app, block the girl on his phone and all social media, and be 100% honest and open with me with everything I ask
Third - he needs to talk to me when he starts feeling strange and if he truly doesn't want to be with me anymore because he's moved on - he needs to break it off and not tell me "he's trying to work out his feelings" and make me think there is still a chance, when really he moved on.
Forth - He needs to earn my trust back, and although I know he can't handle a lot of stress at the moment, he needs to try at our relationship. And when he needs some alone time, he just needs to say it and I will give it to him, but he will not text another girl unless he's single.
He agreed to my terms, and asked me to go to the VA with him on Friday. We went, he got dx with PTSD, insomnia and depression. They put him on antidepressants and he has an appointment to go back on July 26th. His classes also ended for the semester and he has a month off, but he will be going to field training for the military for 2 weeks in July.
Its been about a week and a half since he's been on the medicine and school's ended. He leaves for training in a week but so far everything is good. The medicine treats insomnia in 1-2 weeks and he already is sleeping 100% better, and feels a little better from that alone. The depression and PTSD will take a few more weeks to see improvement with meds. I asked him to ask about combining therapy with his meds, and he said he will ask on his appointment on the 26th but really doesn't want to do therapy because he doesn't want to talk about what happened and his feelings. I told him to still ask and really consider it because it will help him a lot more than meds alone. He's been resting and doing fun relaxing activities and our relationship has been great. He feels terrible about what he did and he was open and honest with me about what happened the past month.
He really wants to get better and is making an effort to get well. I love this man to death and want to support him. I'm not sure what else to expect next or if it's going to get better or worse. Im not even sure if what I am doing is the right thing for him and our relationship.
So my questions - Am I doing the right thing? Am I stupid to forgive him and give him this chance? Will he ever 'feel' again or am I beating a dead horse trying to get him to 'love me back'. No one I know has ever dated someone in the military let alone dealt with a SO with PTSD. Any and all Advice is appreciated and wanted. Please and Thank you.
Sorry for the long post.
My SO of 4 years returned from a 10 month deployment from a combat zone in January.
At first everything was great and everyone, including him, were excited and happy he was home. As time went on I started to notice more and more little changes. He barely slept for 10 months on his deployment and could barely sleep when he got home as well. He did not like talking about what happened on his deployment and I never forced him too. I also noticed he didn't really express himself or anything anymore - except anger. When he would get drunk he would sometimes break down in tears and tell me a little here and there but that was it.
He started up work and school in May and everything was normal at first. Then I started to notice he was very stressed out (he was taking really hard classes, and he's been out of school for awhile). We started to see each other less but I didn't think anything of it at the time because I work and go to school full time as well and figured for now our schedules are just tight. He mentioned about a month ago "Something just doesn't feel right" and he asked me if I felt the same way. I said No and I wasn't sure what he was talking about. I asked him to explain and talk to me about how he's feeling and he said he doesn't know and said it's probably nothing. He then asked me to take a break because he was stressed and needed to figure out his feelings. He was practically in tears as he said this. I was heart broken - and confused. I told him I didn't do breaks and we had to work it out or end it. The next day he texted me that he was really sorry and wanted to work things out and he's just been off lately but once these classes end he feels like he will be fine.
2 weeks went by and things were semi-normal, then out of nowhere, he called me and said he needed to see me in person and he didn't feel normal and didn't think this was going to work out. We talked and he said it wasn't me but he feels like our relationship is a friendship, he's really stressed, and he doesn't have any feelings (good or bad) for anyone or anything anymore - including me, his family, his friends - he's just blank. He was almost in tears and said this is very hard for him and he's really scared nothing will change and he will feel like this forever. He said he really cares about me but he has to figure his feelings out and was hoping one day I would take him back if he could figure things out.
I was a wreck, I cried for 2 days straight, I was so upset I couldn't deal. Well his Facebook accounts were logged on to my tablet still so I decided to look. (couldn't help myself). Found nothing on Facebook but I noticed he had a tinder and looked through it. He was 'matched' with quite a few girls and looked at the messages. Nothing bad just flirty messages. He did exchange his number with one girl from the messages. These messages started about 2 weeks prior about the time he originally told me he doesn't feel right.
I freaked out, I called him at 12 AM and told him to come to my house now. He came over and I flipped out on him (like a crazy person) and he told me he was so sorry and he really did screw up. I asked him why and what he did with these girls. He told me he has been feeling so empty, and nothing he could do would help and was on the verge of committing suicide. He talked to his military buddies and they mentioned to him he should try to talk to some girls on this app. He said he tried to talk to these girls but still felt nothing. I looked through his phone and found the one girl he exchanged numbers with. Still nothing too bad but still hurt me terribly. I felt betrayed and so stupid. We have never had issues like this in the past 4 years, and he never lied to me before.
He said he never saw any of these girls or acted on anything in the messages. I looked through all of his messages, social media, emails, and pictures and found nothing more. At this point he admitted he needs help but doesn't know what to do, he said if he doesn't get help he will kill himself. He asked him if I would be willing to forgive him and work things out again. I told him under certain circumstances.
First - he had to go to the VA on Friday (this was Wednesday night) and go to the walk in mental health clinic
Second - he needed to delete the tinder app, block the girl on his phone and all social media, and be 100% honest and open with me with everything I ask
Third - he needs to talk to me when he starts feeling strange and if he truly doesn't want to be with me anymore because he's moved on - he needs to break it off and not tell me "he's trying to work out his feelings" and make me think there is still a chance, when really he moved on.
Forth - He needs to earn my trust back, and although I know he can't handle a lot of stress at the moment, he needs to try at our relationship. And when he needs some alone time, he just needs to say it and I will give it to him, but he will not text another girl unless he's single.
He agreed to my terms, and asked me to go to the VA with him on Friday. We went, he got dx with PTSD, insomnia and depression. They put him on antidepressants and he has an appointment to go back on July 26th. His classes also ended for the semester and he has a month off, but he will be going to field training for the military for 2 weeks in July.
Its been about a week and a half since he's been on the medicine and school's ended. He leaves for training in a week but so far everything is good. The medicine treats insomnia in 1-2 weeks and he already is sleeping 100% better, and feels a little better from that alone. The depression and PTSD will take a few more weeks to see improvement with meds. I asked him to ask about combining therapy with his meds, and he said he will ask on his appointment on the 26th but really doesn't want to do therapy because he doesn't want to talk about what happened and his feelings. I told him to still ask and really consider it because it will help him a lot more than meds alone. He's been resting and doing fun relaxing activities and our relationship has been great. He feels terrible about what he did and he was open and honest with me about what happened the past month.
He really wants to get better and is making an effort to get well. I love this man to death and want to support him. I'm not sure what else to expect next or if it's going to get better or worse. Im not even sure if what I am doing is the right thing for him and our relationship.
So my questions - Am I doing the right thing? Am I stupid to forgive him and give him this chance? Will he ever 'feel' again or am I beating a dead horse trying to get him to 'love me back'. No one I know has ever dated someone in the military let alone dealt with a SO with PTSD. Any and all Advice is appreciated and wanted. Please and Thank you.
Sorry for the long post.
