Long story short.............. please with me it seems nearly impossible
I was with this "friend" of the past whom invited me for what i thought intent was to be based on conversation with a bite to eat, lite drink under the stars along the beach just thrown in to afford a place of tranquility i am so looking for. It has been some time since i have shared stares of eyes just for being of what eyes do of that It was just supposed to be a get together for two souls that wanted to get away from each others chaos and just chat about stuff as it came to our minds. I should have know then i was going to be in trouble as this what i thought brief get together was supposed to be just that of sharing in that of the mind and nothing else.
I cannot trust my mind in simple thoughts no more, As we sat there at what i thought was a nice place maybe a place that would not have been of my first choice as there was artificial light that was afforded to occasionally break in to which i could see the tatoos upon this person which normally I can enjoy if there are stories involved and reasons they were aquired.......... We bantered for nearly 2 hours I thought which seemed to be going ok until she leaned over to me and afford a...........transfer of fluids from the mouth when i caught the glimpse of matching tatoos to which i thought there might be meaning to.
Even though i had never seen tatoos like this beneath the sheets i heard through a past relationship that these are markings of one who might be in the world of ill repute. I was quick to show my pull back and then took my eyes off hers and could not help to stare at these markings that i realised were covered up on purpose by a most revealing garment except it was made for purpose to cover up places that were not to be seen.
She then pulled at my chin and said to me "what are you looking at" !.......I could not lie I told her i see the 2 stars inked upon her elbows and immediately told her what i had heard they might represent in that of a profession that i want to know nothing about. If she told me it was past i might have listened but she never offered that as reason nor excuse. She admitted it was was what i thought it was but never gave me a hint that it was a profession that she was no longer be in.
Well i tried to show patience but she knows of me that i have little patience i tried all the tricks of mangement by breathing not speaking, by trying to change discusion to find a place of comfort, to actually saying to her i apologize for being uncomfortable in the position we were in being very physically close and i wanted space to provide a zone of physical and mental comfort.
She huffed in what i was hoping would be of understanding for me and in a way i was hoping it was being respectful to her as I did not say or spout anything further beyond as to what my eyes saw in her starlets upon her elbows and the first sentence of what i thought thoses newer looking pieces of art? might represent.
Well as i got up to brush the sand and try to lose what had just happened in the waves of crashing she said to me that she had entered a world to which she was not proud but was doing it for easy money to support her habits of not drugs or alcohol but one of missed love and effection she claimed she never received from loves of past..........Ikes I was falling for it because that is what i do I sat back down now at a comfortable distance for me and listened... I must say all i heard was a lot of blah blah blah but the real remebered visions of being at social events with her and her x and seeing what i thought was normal signs of affection between to lovers as i know what not receiveng whole love is..............
Well long of the short i was not satisfied with the reasons the tats were in place nor was there a sign that there was ever going to be a story of them being there for a reason that might offer explanation to which i could accept. I think if there was a sad story or hidden message they were in place i would accept that but there was none of that other than U always were a nice guy ray we all new what your x was about .................... Here we go again everyone knew but I............
well we packed up our stuff headed back to vehicles i looked her into her magical blue eyes and wished her well and told her if she needed to talk i would make my self available for that but that is all... I reached out in handshake (another new method i learned) said good night. Well as i rode home it all started over again first the bad emories of past relationship and all the ills of fakeness that was involved in that but as i approacehd the driveway I saw a vehicle in it that remeinded me of not only past memory of a woman then an event that had caused my reason to need me to be out tonight in the first place.
Well now I sit in darkness again with only the light of the screen of the lap top to iluminate the keys of the keyboard and yet another reminder of only 7 digits working on the keyboard because of the injury i sustained while having vehicle I saw in the driveway in part with me when i suffered the assault which put me over to the edge of PTSD.
Now again another night i will spend exhausted but awake wanting to rest my eyes but knowing in truth every time I nod the flash backs of the attack will be reminded to me.
I thought that tonight was going to be a beginning of a possible relationship ...how deep i did not know but i thought it would be one of comfort and breakness from all the discomforts i now call my friends. I just call them friends even though they are Bad friends but me being always the nice guy (except when under great duress) I will not call them that as that would be unacceptable labeling.
As i sit here writting my thoughts of am i ever going to find friends of heart not just in words or just sex I receive an email from this nights nightmare saying she had a great time wished it went different understood how i felt and even though i was right about the stars permanently imprinted on her she never had expectations of using that profession on me tonight although she did have thought of close bodies till morning light............
I do not believe ,,,,sorry i do not know what to believe as i thought we we were sharing and she made the first move for which me was way to soon but i have been told by others that i move to slow so this time i was going to go with the flow but my god what would i be feeling about this relationship iif more than a kiss took place and i had to wake up with guilt beside me......
Am i ever going to have a real relationship......i really do not know.........but if i never fall asleep then i will never have to sleep with another.......... for real comfort i so desperately seek to give and receive.........
I was with this "friend" of the past whom invited me for what i thought intent was to be based on conversation with a bite to eat, lite drink under the stars along the beach just thrown in to afford a place of tranquility i am so looking for. It has been some time since i have shared stares of eyes just for being of what eyes do of that It was just supposed to be a get together for two souls that wanted to get away from each others chaos and just chat about stuff as it came to our minds. I should have know then i was going to be in trouble as this what i thought brief get together was supposed to be just that of sharing in that of the mind and nothing else.
I cannot trust my mind in simple thoughts no more, As we sat there at what i thought was a nice place maybe a place that would not have been of my first choice as there was artificial light that was afforded to occasionally break in to which i could see the tatoos upon this person which normally I can enjoy if there are stories involved and reasons they were aquired.......... We bantered for nearly 2 hours I thought which seemed to be going ok until she leaned over to me and afford a...........transfer of fluids from the mouth when i caught the glimpse of matching tatoos to which i thought there might be meaning to.
Even though i had never seen tatoos like this beneath the sheets i heard through a past relationship that these are markings of one who might be in the world of ill repute. I was quick to show my pull back and then took my eyes off hers and could not help to stare at these markings that i realised were covered up on purpose by a most revealing garment except it was made for purpose to cover up places that were not to be seen.
She then pulled at my chin and said to me "what are you looking at" !.......I could not lie I told her i see the 2 stars inked upon her elbows and immediately told her what i had heard they might represent in that of a profession that i want to know nothing about. If she told me it was past i might have listened but she never offered that as reason nor excuse. She admitted it was was what i thought it was but never gave me a hint that it was a profession that she was no longer be in.
Well i tried to show patience but she knows of me that i have little patience i tried all the tricks of mangement by breathing not speaking, by trying to change discusion to find a place of comfort, to actually saying to her i apologize for being uncomfortable in the position we were in being very physically close and i wanted space to provide a zone of physical and mental comfort.
She huffed in what i was hoping would be of understanding for me and in a way i was hoping it was being respectful to her as I did not say or spout anything further beyond as to what my eyes saw in her starlets upon her elbows and the first sentence of what i thought thoses newer looking pieces of art? might represent.
Well as i got up to brush the sand and try to lose what had just happened in the waves of crashing she said to me that she had entered a world to which she was not proud but was doing it for easy money to support her habits of not drugs or alcohol but one of missed love and effection she claimed she never received from loves of past..........Ikes I was falling for it because that is what i do I sat back down now at a comfortable distance for me and listened... I must say all i heard was a lot of blah blah blah but the real remebered visions of being at social events with her and her x and seeing what i thought was normal signs of affection between to lovers as i know what not receiveng whole love is..............
Well long of the short i was not satisfied with the reasons the tats were in place nor was there a sign that there was ever going to be a story of them being there for a reason that might offer explanation to which i could accept. I think if there was a sad story or hidden message they were in place i would accept that but there was none of that other than U always were a nice guy ray we all new what your x was about .................... Here we go again everyone knew but I............
well we packed up our stuff headed back to vehicles i looked her into her magical blue eyes and wished her well and told her if she needed to talk i would make my self available for that but that is all... I reached out in handshake (another new method i learned) said good night. Well as i rode home it all started over again first the bad emories of past relationship and all the ills of fakeness that was involved in that but as i approacehd the driveway I saw a vehicle in it that remeinded me of not only past memory of a woman then an event that had caused my reason to need me to be out tonight in the first place.
Well now I sit in darkness again with only the light of the screen of the lap top to iluminate the keys of the keyboard and yet another reminder of only 7 digits working on the keyboard because of the injury i sustained while having vehicle I saw in the driveway in part with me when i suffered the assault which put me over to the edge of PTSD.
Now again another night i will spend exhausted but awake wanting to rest my eyes but knowing in truth every time I nod the flash backs of the attack will be reminded to me.
I thought that tonight was going to be a beginning of a possible relationship ...how deep i did not know but i thought it would be one of comfort and breakness from all the discomforts i now call my friends. I just call them friends even though they are Bad friends but me being always the nice guy (except when under great duress) I will not call them that as that would be unacceptable labeling.
As i sit here writting my thoughts of am i ever going to find friends of heart not just in words or just sex I receive an email from this nights nightmare saying she had a great time wished it went different understood how i felt and even though i was right about the stars permanently imprinted on her she never had expectations of using that profession on me tonight although she did have thought of close bodies till morning light............
I do not believe ,,,,sorry i do not know what to believe as i thought we we were sharing and she made the first move for which me was way to soon but i have been told by others that i move to slow so this time i was going to go with the flow but my god what would i be feeling about this relationship iif more than a kiss took place and i had to wake up with guilt beside me......
Am i ever going to have a real relationship......i really do not know.........but if i never fall asleep then i will never have to sleep with another.......... for real comfort i so desperately seek to give and receive.........
