Revisiting After Months Long Pause

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

I have not gone back to my therapist even though I am extremely fond of her.

This is the 2nd time I have paused, the 1st being immediately after I began the process with her with the initial cognizance of the PTSD. That time, the reason in my mind was that I needed to process the enormity of impact. There was so much to process just at the surface of viewing myself in the scope of PTSD.

When I made it back I was through that layer. I had fixated on myself and determined that what I've been is super-dead. Alright, yeah, I was not really alive. But I was really good at everything that makes me dead.

Since then I thought I was in a battle for authenticity. Of course the intellectual fixation on connecting with people and being real. I realized that won't work while I am basically still outside of myself. I can now say I know when I am feeling joy (it's sharp) or belonging (it's warm and bright) or foggy which is a spectrum of frustration for me.

So I am going back to figure out where the next step lies

 

[mytai]

Why did you take a break this time around? If you already said why, forgive me, I'm pretty thick today.

 

[arfie]

I believe that process of figuring out my next step is one to be savored for a good, long while. The danger of the long chew being the potential for a backslide to my denial and repression. My personal herstory with those is profound enough to warrant a daily inventory.

Staying mindful of that hazard, I find that taking my time with the choosing of my next step lets me proceed with more personal conviction and clarity. The healing journey is not a race.

Hope you find what it is for you, dreams. Keep sorting.

 

[EverOnly358]

I've been in and out of therapy. I think the important thing is deciding where you're at and where you want to go next. And then communicating that to your therapist. Because, for me at least... it's important to get it outta my head.

When it all just sits in my head with no outside influence, that's when things start to get bad for me. So, getting validation or advice from a therapist is helpful. But I still very much keep control of the overall process. Therapy is just one part of it. It's consulting an expert about something I'm learning about and trying to deal with day in and day out.

But I'm still learning and doing things on my own as well. I guess what I'm saying is you can be in therapy *and* also design your own way of dealing with PTSD, too. Working with your therapist is just another tool. Like books or this forum or all the many other ways of learning and dealing with PTSD.

Hope this helps even a little (I guess I really just hope it makes sense!),
D

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

I didn't go back because I felt I have been waging the battle for authenticity. I had ZERO clue of how outside myself either physically or emotionally I was. I go back with a sense of spirituality, connection to who I am as a human being, and an inventory of sorts of how lost I am... I know I have cracked through the first layer because now I'm more lost than before. That tells me I'm closer to myself than I was, and it's a mess.

If you've been lost in fog but never perceived the fog, when you do perceive it, that's profound. Now you know what feeling like yourself feels like and you know when you feel the fog or tight anxiety take hold. And you want to solve it and learn how to fend off the invasion and hold yourself aptly. And when you are grasping that moment of feeling like yourself.... you can FINALLY be honest and connect with another human being adequately.

 

[mytai]

Thanks for clarifying @dreamsofmydeath . With me personally when I've taken a break from therapy it never has gone well. I'm someone like D123 who needs an outside voice/influence even if I'm struggling to discover who I am and where I need to be. I'm happy you were able to find the answers you needed in order to progress in therapy again.

You seem very in tune with yourself and your needs, that's a really good thing. However, I agree with what D123 stated

I guess what I'm saying is you can be in therapy *and* also design your own way of dealing with PTSD, too. Working with your therapist is just another tool. Like books or this forum or all the many other ways of learning and dealing with PTSD.

It's good to work through things on your own too, but T's are there to help guide us. They are a tool/resource to help us get to where we want to be.

I really hope that when you go back this time that you are able to work through some stuff.

 

[EverOnly358]

I think it's really important to listen to yourself, too. You're the #1 expert on you. I was out of therapy for a long time. It really wasn't working, wasn't helping and in some ways it was making things worse. When I came to a different perspective within myself, then, I decided I was ready to go back to therapy and get some advice from therapists. And now things are different in therapy. Better things are happening. I guess I'm just restating what I said before... it your process. Do what works for you.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

It doesn't matter how many different ways someone guides you toward a path, if you can't see the ground due to heavy fog you won't get there.

That other perspective does little if it can't account for the lack of light or visibility in your path.

 

[mytai]

Part of a therapists job is to teach you those necessary grounding skills. They are experts, you are paying them to help you. If your T doesn't help you in that area, try asking if they can help teach you some grounding skills.

With me it is on going, my T rotates through grounding skills with me. What works one day doesn't necessarily work another so we try different ones to find options for me. I'm in the early stages of it and most of the time on my own outside of my T's office I fail miserably at grounding myself.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

Grounding is a very nice definition that I am going to use now. It's almost like I've been making a delirious descent toward the ground. Now I know I'm close, I've touched down at certain moments. This will be really helpful for tomorrow

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

This was very productive, in the conversation I was able to explain how eye opening it was to redefine the super-dead self as just me living inside my mind, intellectually only, coexisting with hidden pain. And the discovery of the goal of grasping my emotional self as my core method of authenticity. Self honesty.

What her perspective showed me this time was relating perception and behavior to brain connections. As I become more familiar with the emotional states I experience, they will come more into focus. Intricacies will become apparent that were not possible to see from further back.

At the same time, the observational process also slows down the neural connections that up to this point have been extremely strong automatic paths, like a very built set of muscles. I will gain control by being aware as well as by proactively using grounding techniques.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Very profound and validating. I am so glad I read this.