WorldWanderer
Bronze Member
Hey guys! It's been a few months!
I finished with my therapist last July, things had been going really well.
November my better half was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, that caused whole whirlwind of crap. We were both terrified, scared of him bein ill, dying, i guess all normal stuff that comes with the diagnosis. I feel shitty for feeling like i do, because it's not me going through it which doesn't help. I can't really expand things too much at the moment becuase each time i go near it the anxiety starts.
Chemo caused a ''cardiac event'' which mimicked a heart attack. I'm highly qualified in first aid and life support so slipped straight into that mindset. No ambulances for over 2 hours, drove him to the hospital myself in the depth of winter on sheet ice roads. Sat in a&e for over 34 hours watching him in agony. Hair fell out. Chemo was stopped. Straight to surgery. A major op at over 10 hours, 14 days in hospital. Loads of weight loss, weakness. An hour drive each way to the hospital.
He's home now, but skin and bones.
I'm doing my best to support him, all the normal house stuff, run our business, nutrition and meal planning, getting him exersising.
He's awake lots during the night for water, a pee, meds, pain cream.
I feel like with having medical knowledge and training, i've approached all of it in a clinical way, not prepared for being the partner of someone facing cancer.
I feel like the PTSD is on the rise again. All of the things i experienced the last time things were bad.
I have nightmares, flashbacks, panic and anxiety attacks. Tremmors, twitches and muscle spasms. I disconnect when people talk to me about it and then start zoning out, getting words all jumbled up. I get anxious when the subject is approached, or family visit and want to talk about it, the shakes instantly start and i have to leave the room. I get images and video clips of it just forced into my day. It's not like it's just one event wither, like since november, this cancer stuff has thrown us curveball after curveball. One day it';s the heart event that's getting at me, and the next day it's the nurses voice ovber the phone telling us it's stage 3 cancer, then in the next moment it'll be something else that's gone wrong with this in the last few months.
I feel like i've messed up because i learned so much in therapy about how to handle this stuff, reframe things, process them. And now i can't. I'm at a point where i'm chicking salt in my mouth to shack myself back into the now, or going to bed and hiding in the duvet because i'm so numb.
Is this normal? Can it come back like this?
I finished with my therapist last July, things had been going really well.
November my better half was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, that caused whole whirlwind of crap. We were both terrified, scared of him bein ill, dying, i guess all normal stuff that comes with the diagnosis. I feel shitty for feeling like i do, because it's not me going through it which doesn't help. I can't really expand things too much at the moment becuase each time i go near it the anxiety starts.
Chemo caused a ''cardiac event'' which mimicked a heart attack. I'm highly qualified in first aid and life support so slipped straight into that mindset. No ambulances for over 2 hours, drove him to the hospital myself in the depth of winter on sheet ice roads. Sat in a&e for over 34 hours watching him in agony. Hair fell out. Chemo was stopped. Straight to surgery. A major op at over 10 hours, 14 days in hospital. Loads of weight loss, weakness. An hour drive each way to the hospital.
He's home now, but skin and bones.
I'm doing my best to support him, all the normal house stuff, run our business, nutrition and meal planning, getting him exersising.
He's awake lots during the night for water, a pee, meds, pain cream.
I feel like with having medical knowledge and training, i've approached all of it in a clinical way, not prepared for being the partner of someone facing cancer.
I feel like the PTSD is on the rise again. All of the things i experienced the last time things were bad.
I have nightmares, flashbacks, panic and anxiety attacks. Tremmors, twitches and muscle spasms. I disconnect when people talk to me about it and then start zoning out, getting words all jumbled up. I get anxious when the subject is approached, or family visit and want to talk about it, the shakes instantly start and i have to leave the room. I get images and video clips of it just forced into my day. It's not like it's just one event wither, like since november, this cancer stuff has thrown us curveball after curveball. One day it';s the heart event that's getting at me, and the next day it's the nurses voice ovber the phone telling us it's stage 3 cancer, then in the next moment it'll be something else that's gone wrong with this in the last few months.
I feel like i've messed up because i learned so much in therapy about how to handle this stuff, reframe things, process them. And now i can't. I'm at a point where i'm chicking salt in my mouth to shack myself back into the now, or going to bed and hiding in the duvet because i'm so numb.
Is this normal? Can it come back like this?
