Right Back Where I Started

[tah]

It's been awhile since I have posted here. I left for a while because it seemed that reading posts, posting, seeing what I wrote was making it worse. I withdrew really badly. Went to a couple sessions with a counselor, got notice they were no longer with my medical group and now I have to start over with someone new. I haven't. Can't get meds unless I do. I am still not sure if I want to go down that road. It took me years to just get in the door to talk with someone and now it's like an excuse not to go back. I know I need to, but god it is so hard to. It is just so much easier to push it all back and ignore it. My anger started getting worse when my husband lost his job and we went downhill financially. This really sent me into a spiral. I was already spent and this stress is more than I can handle.

Everyday I keep saying I am going to try harder. It is a new day. Then I get overwhelmed and BAM! Right back where I started. I have been drinking more it seems. I started to write my mom and step-dad a letter. I may never give it to them, but it has things I remember, good and bad. How I felt about them and how I feel today. What impact my childhood has had on me. It feels good to get it all on paper. One thing my counselor said I should do. Just so it isn't all inside. Little steps.

I just needed to get this down somewhere. Thanks for listening.

 

[anthony]

That is a positive step in writing things out... and yes, it really doesn't ever matter if you actually give it to them or not, but it is the exercise of getting it from your brain and in writing, so you can read over and over it, as that is a way of exposure therapy and desentizing your brain to the trauma. Often when people do that exercise, they end up highly anxious, but if you read over and over it, continually adding to each time, your anxiety actually decreases quite rapidly and near instantly. That is how fast this technique works, hence why diaries here exist and the instructions cover this exact technique. Very effective... and glad that you are doing it. Doesn't matter where or how you do it, as long as you do it. Well done.