Rising, Healing

[Viosinger]

I was actually considering writing a letter to my parents to tell them that I was sexually assaulted 10 years ago & never told them... (For various, well-founded reasons).

Then I spoke to my mother on the phone. What I got from a conversation with mom today: when I don't do exactly what she says, I'm a dumbass; apparently I'm a sissy ass city girl who talks back to her elders, I don't have enough pity for my brother having to work afternoons instead of days at the sub shop (his first job in 8 months, I know nothing about dogs, wedding gifts, or Medea, and my boyfriend is a skinny-assed wimp who went to a terrible school.

The warmth of her maternal glow is simply astounding. Oh my, how it still shines.

Her MO is: if you're not doing well, she has the answers. If you are doing well, she'd better beat you up verbally & blame it on you so you don't get a big head & she doesn't ever have to question a word she says or thought she has.

 

[Barconian]

Her MO is: if you're not doing well, she has the answers. If you are doing well, she'd better beat you up verbally & blame it on you so you don't get a big head & she doesn't ever have to question a word she says or thought she has.

That's my mother :)

 

[Viosinger]

Ha! I'm sorry to hear that. I know she helped make strong, but some days I wish she could just be a little kind & supportive.

 

[Viosinger]

Another day, another phone call from my mother. She's struggling with the fact that since I've worked on healing, I don't pretend to be/play the role of the daughter she expected. In her eyes I was always supposed to be childish, immature, etc. so for years (because it was easier than the fights that occurred when I was mature, honest, and straightforward), I placated her.

Now, I honestly can't be that. Not for her or anyone. Yes, I eat healthy foods. Yes, I try to keep up on my workouts & consider scientific research about how to make them effective. I don't worry about "bulking up," and would be happy to have the athletic physique she berated me about in high school. God forbid she ever just say she thought I was pretty or beautiful as is.

And because I'm losing weight, and trying to get back to a happier, healthier size, she needs to try & sabotage me every step. "Make a grilled cheese! You should cook s'mores in your fireplace!"

I love her. And I work to erase the damage she's wreaked on me everyday. I know a lot of people would cut her out completely, but even with a messed up history, she's my mother , and family is important to me.

 

[Viosinger]

I am so frustrated with scheduling & student ignorance... I'm so angry.

 

[MissKB]

Another day, another phone call from my mother. She's struggling with the fact that since I've worked on healing, I don't pretend to be/play the role of the daughter she expected..

The more therapy I get and the better I think I'm getting; my mom only sees me as more disturbed and troubling. I am setting healthy boundries now. She can't accept that I have mental illnesses (BiPolar and PTSD). If I take a chance and speak honestly about how I'm feeling (which is always very low) she loses her patience with me.

 

[Barconian]

I am setting healthy boundries now. She can't accept that I have mental illnesses (BiPolar and PTSD). If I take a chance and speak honestly about how I'm feeling (which is always very low) she loses her patience with me.

Keep doing what your doing... setting boundaries :)

 

[Viosinger]

I'm having dreams again.. Which is hard. I usually don't remember them. All my life, when I do recall a dream (even just for those fleeting moments upon waking), it's rarely a pleasant one. :-( I guess I'm digging around in my brain in therapy, of course it's going to talk back in my dreams.

 

[Viosinger]

• Snowboarding
• Paczkis
• Biting an ear
• Truck bed
• Red workout pants

Simple things. Not simple anymore for years.

I feel like I was set up for a bad experience with men, long before anything ever happened. I hope if I ever have a child, I can raise them to feel better about themselves.

 

[Viosinger]

1 step forward, 10 steps back it seems. I'm learning a lot about myself, but it's so hard. I feel like my life is crumbling around me, but that I'm just better at putting crumbs together.

 

[anthony]

That is the exact process how it starts, and as you progress you will find the opposite, with 3 steps forward, 1 step back, then 10 steps forward, 1 step back, and so forth. That is the healing process... you go backwards first, then you go forwards as you continue with the hard work.

 

[Viosinger]

So perfect today...